Winter has ended

241 days of Autumn, 192 days of Winter and 22 days of Spring….

Autumn, a season of leaves changing from green to cooper, it’s as if a breath of slow death was blown over the once alive and green lawns and trees.  The season my life was in, life was slowly hanging on by its last treads.  Nothing made sense, hurt was the feeling I was walking around with and here I had to put my pride in my pocket, walk to work on many occasions and also ask for a food parcel from church. 

There was a moment where autumn felt a little bit more familiar, like home and I opened my mind up to new possibilities, I took on a new work position, I moved into a bigger place and I felt a little bit better.  From the all the new beginnings, things started looking up however one always need to remember that after autumn comes winter.

Like a thief in the night, all life, even that of which was still hanging on for dear life was killed.  Everything once copper or brown, now the darkest of black.  Winter settled in and with it came the likes of being split up from what we were used to,  that oh so familiar feeling in my back came back like a sharp reminder of thing gone before and me not learning my lesson, fighting for the little ray of light keeping my two feet firmly placed on the ground, the fact that this season did not hold any truth for love on the horizon and with Winter, we had to say goodbye.  Goodbye to two very important individuals we never for one moment thought of losing so soon.  We had our lives shorten just a little when one of our children went to hospital, while dreading the immune virus that spread in her little body. 

The moment of the winter coming to an end was when a new friendship turned to dust sooner than it was formed, when reality set in and for the first time it really made sense to me that you are the only one that looks out for you and even after that, my body decided it had enough, I myself was forced to rest with a kidney virus, one I didn’t even know I had. 

Spring, from tomorrow it will be Spring, I have decided.  I will look for all the new blossoms of life opening up and giving God my hand I held to myself for a few weeks and I am just going to walk with him again, as I should have from the beginning.  The next 22 days of Spring will hold something of a new beginning, one I will look for or work for ever day until its Summer. 

365 Days of Summer for 2017

My goal for Summer will be to dedicate my time to getting to know God, the only man that should be of importance in my life, with that also to finally set out to reduce, overcome and finalize my debt.  I will dedicate my time to get to know my children individually, focus on that undivided attention.  I will not stand or let anyone stand in my way to my goal of becoming one of the most successful BDM’s in my company.  I will teach myself self-discipline, read at least 10 new books and focus on becoming the best person I can be, saying yes more and never to let a lie flow over my lips again regardless of the outcome.

I hope my journey has helped some of you, may it also show you that you can make it through anything and always to trust your gut.

One year of dedication to my unapologetically me, to my 365 days o Summer….

….. to be continued 

Is it really DRAMA

How much can a person possibly handle in their lives.  I have heard everything from "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" to "God only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers" or my best "Tomorrow is another day", well you know what - I have probably done it all, seen it all and been there got the t-shirt and returned it.  Live is hard, people should stop sugar coating it.  I have had one of the most difficult years of mu life, I have had 2 loved ones die in a space of not even two months and you know whats the worst, people are not supportive or even give a damn, for them its easy to say "Sorry Chan - oh by the way can you do this or that".  What has life come to?  Are we programmed to be these compassionate-less robots.

I am not coping, I am struggling in all areas of my life and you know what, its damn hard and difficult.  So when you have a bad day, come talk to me, your life will just seem that much better in the end.  

Here's to praying for a light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully its not an oncoming train.

xoxoxo

Take my word for it

Expectation is the root of all evil - William Shakespeare.  I don't think he would've said it unless he experienced it.  In some form or another we are let down by someone at least once a day, never do we plan for it to happen, yet it happens.  I once forgave a person very close to me without having any expectations because I knew he wouldn't be what I expected of him, I made my peace.

What irritates me is the fact that we set ourselves up for failure most of the time.  For this to make sense I need you to forget about the law of attraction or what will be will be and just hear me out.  More often than not we are presented with the true, it's there staring at you, if it was a snake it would actually bite you, problem is we let it bite us and pretend that the venom doesn't eat away all the good and turn what was once all together into rotten nothingness.

When a person says to you they might come across as something but rest assured they definitely not like that, 99 times out of a 100, they are exactly that.  So if you ever hear - I'm not a prick, or shallow, or violent (yeah run when you hear that one), or a ladies man, or (my best so far) I don't just message random people on Facebook messenger (how stupid can a person be, it's shows when last you were active dumbass), the list goes on and on.  The cherry normally on the cake is the fact that these individuals feel "entitled" because they have people feeding their egos or need a rebound from a previous relationship.

So many of us have actually been in this position, we overlook all the clues and then sit for weeks picking up our broken pieces and start sticking them together.  I don't know why it's so hard to be honest, I know who I am and I will never intentionally treat someone badly because it always comes back to me, although most of these people get away with murder.

My best guy friend is the most sincere person I know, he is upfront and won't create any expectations for anyone to get hurt because it's a simple fact, he knows what he wants.  Well you know what, I'm done, it's not the end of the line it's the beginning of a new chapter.

I am not going to ever settle for anything less than the best.  When I give my valuable time up that I could have spent with my child, it better be worth it.  I am worth the chase and you know what, I don't deserve anything less.  So just to make you aware, if a guy tells you he is "not" a prick, 100% guaranteed, he is the biggest self absorbed, chauvinistic, self entitled man you will meet, and if he says he's not, make sure he can prove it.

Thanks for this lesson once again, just goes to show that one must always trust your gut feeling.

XOXO

When you find me

It's a low whistle, for some it's a murmur, others feel it in the deep density of their bones.  Where it comes from will always remain a mystery. You use it as you would use your hand to pick up a pen, never doubting it, you follow what it tells you.

It's intriguing, this wild free spirited being. The scars from wounds once unbearable, all healed to a perfect mark of a warrior. Eyes that are blessed by the color of Mother Earth, they see the life in things long forgotten and enables the need to be reborn.  The touch of skin engulfs the surrounding mystery of unknown waters lying dormant as the dead sea.  Fire flows deep in a beating heart, struck to life by the hands of God, woven into a being by the spirit itself.

The sheer gravitational pull of inviting lips as scarlet as the blood that flows through these veins, trapped in a moment of sweet surrender leaving only the heat of molten lava to pass over your weary skin, attracted to the raw primal senses awakening deep within, this unfamiliar feeling becomes an obsession.

Resistance gives you control for a moment but the heart of a stallion beats beneath a rib cage to keep it from running wild.  To have yet never to hold, the heart wants what it wants...

Always to be seen yet fighting for a love that promises forever.  Wanting to be needed but always avoiding to be wanted. Standing still just as a statue that was planted, waiting for the day to break free from the grips of reality.

Oh to be lost in oneself only to found in  the truest most beautiful moment when a soul makes you whole.

Will today be the day or am I up against the odds again

“One sheep, two sheep, did I put the stove off, when last did I check if the door was locked, tomorrow I am not consuming sugar or wheat or diary……. Uhm….. one sheep, two sheep, I need sleeping tablets” , that’s basically trying to whooosaaa and fall asleep and if you look at my Facebook and Instagram activity during 12am and 2am, you’ll see I am either sharing stuff or working.

They say that 3am is for the thinkers, the poets, the dreamers and the writers, guess my body or mind kind of missed that memo.  And trust me, I do not for one second feel tired during the day.  I think I can safely classify myself as a functional insomniac.  Maybe I think too much; I do its definitely not a “maybe”.  Most thoughts at night are about what I would like to achieve the next day, how not to bloody well procrastinate and wake up hoping to the day that will finally be “the day”.

All of us are dreamers, I put my dreams into prayers to God, some Meditate and some believe in a higher power.  Some say they are goals and Einstein informed our generation that we must not tie a goal to a person or an object, rather place your goal on a dream or achievement you want to reach however every night I go to bed and pray the same old prayer in hopes that the next day would be a different day.  Don’t get me wrong, I make sure I write down what I am grateful for every day, at least 3 things and I am blessed with a lot that God has placed in my life.  Once a very rich, old, unhappy and miserable man or should I say icon said, “While being interviewed many years ago, J. Paul Getty was asked, how much money do you want? Getty replied, "just a little bit more".   

We get what we want in the season we are supposed to have it but we always want just a little bit more. 

I am really happy where my life is heading,  I took on a challenge I thought I’d never get through.  If we spoke a year ago you would never believe I am the person I am today, I lost everything and felt the loneliest I ever felt, yet I focused on what I needed to do to prove to myself that I can be a nice person.  The only thing I just cant wrap my head around is the fact that I have been asking, praying for love – my happily ever after since I can remember and yet it feels like the biggest challenge in my life.

And then again I listen to other couples and their issues while eating my cornflakes for dinner, because you know, I can do what I want, watch what I want and wear what I want.  That to me is the only part of being single that is so appealing.  I can decide on the spur of the moment to do something different, go out (if my babysitter is available) (don’t judge) (you are judging, stop it!!) when I want and don’t have to do anything to please anyone else. 

Yes I know, you guys will be going blue in the face soon, I know the right man will eventually come into my life by mean of me stalking him or randomly selecting him off of social media (joking!!!).  I will probably bump his car accidentally or flip him the bird in traffic or something totally random, yet and if I may, please God, Jesus, Holy Spirit (not being facetious now), Budha, mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa’s spirit, The Lion King, someone with power please make this happen soonish, at the right time yet kind of a little bit before its supposed to be due.

Believe me at this point I am living each and every day like my last haha.

Like I always say “may the odds ever be in MY favor”

Renew yourself - Today is a new day

I wanted to write about yesterday but then I realized or I had more of a brain fart from about 4 months ago.  I believed I was a non-influential christian, I thought I had it covered, I believed that I have been living a clean and pure life just because of the promises I made to the Lord............... And theeeeeeen it hit me, like an unexpected fart in a hallway.  Not only have I turned my back on the Lord, I have actually been a very very very bad and unchristian like christian.  How did it happen?  I will tell you exactly how it happened, I will list them all:

I let people influence me

I wanted to fit in with the crowd

I thought it would only be a one time thing

In order to be part of a conversation I had to start swearing like a sailor again

I did stuff even when my gut told me not too

I hurt and neglected my friends at church 

And lastly

I stopped going to church all together

This morning I decided to read an online article about faith.  You see yesterday was terrible.  My focus should have been on how to ultimately end this month off on a high like I had last month and as much as I am holding thumbs for a miracle today, I know my focus was elsewhere.  There is this thing called "life" that happened, it happened in a variety of ways and I let myself be influence.   Where my focus was supposed to be on how to live a Godly life, I was focused on what people were doing, what people were saying, what I was missing out on and mostly questioning my worth when I should've been focusing on God.

The biggest hypocrites make the most noise.  I have been one.  Just because I became one doesnt mean I have to stay there, NO and I decided that today my success depends on God and myself.  In order to want the love and happiness paired with success and financial freedom, I need to turn my focus and first seek God above all else and then move towards becoming a better me.

Today is a new day, I took some inserts from an article as I feel almost like I've been spoken to by him through his word:

"If we’re going to live in love, we have to learn to forgive one another. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, but instead, forgive. And above all things, put on love.”1 That means: Above having your own way, above your own agenda, choose to put on love."

"The apostle Paul prayed in Ephesians 3:17 that we would be “rooted and established in love so that we would have power together with all the saints.” When we choose to walk in love, we have the power of God in our lives, as well as healthier relationships."

A divided house will always fall.  Just because I dont like how people act should it frustrate me or influence how I feel,  I should rather focus my energy on me and choose not to see what others are doing.  Yesterday a doctor told me that if I dont like something in others people, its normally because it is something in me that I also struggle to accept.

I am so infatuated with others and what they are doing wrong that I completely missed the point, I need to fix my broken parts, accept myself, find my worth through God and above all else, lead by example.

He knows my hearts desires, he has taken me out of a very dark place and made me clean and new, now I need to go and clean up where the dirt has settled and start hanging out the clean laundry.

If you are reading this and I have hurt you in any way, I ask your forgiveness and promise to work on being a better friend, family member and christian regardless.

xoxo

Value adds

Yesterday was heavy on my heart, things didn’t go as I planned, it wasn’t working in my favor.  I feel like the black sheep of the family.  In the last 10 days I have experienced quite a fair amount of different emotions.  These emotions have contributed towards growth, understanding and above all else to trust your gut and be humble.

For the first time in my life I experienced what it felt like to lose something I put my blood,sweat and at the end my tears in when it came to my professional life,  it was an unpleasant and very hard pill to swallow but nonetheless, the lesson was learned and I gained knowledge from it.  I also opened myself up to a possible personal experience, one that was my first in a year and felt heart first into the situation when I should have been a bit more cautious.  I put my chips on the table and believed (stupidly) that it was right, even to go as far as to say “meant to be”.  So fast forward to today and I am back at square one, semi or partially hurt heart but wiser mindset.

I am however left in awe of a feeling I can’t quite place yet.  A friend suggested a person and did the initial ground work, which was in her defense rather sweet,  though the situation has left me contemplating the male species and if nature plays more of a part in this process of finding a mate.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the response – “ he is not interested in a woman with kids and that has been married before, sorry friend”.   Wow, that’s all my mind could process.  I left it and for some reason its been weighing on my mind.  I am by no means questioning my worth but I am going to put this out there, its debatable but its how I feel:

When I got married the first time (I say it like that because there will be a second time which I trust in God will be my last) to my ex-husband, it felt right, it may have been more of a Mr. Right now for that specific stage in my life but I believed that.  I have had the privilege to create human life, carry another beating heart and a little soul in my body, protected and nurtured inside my womb and successfully gave birth to three precious little girls.  I praise God everyday for them and that he did not let me suffer a loss in a way that a lot of other women are challenged with.  I feel that God healed and glued my broken pieces together the day I became a mother and I will always be grateful for that.  In the end and I say end because we separated and divorced, my Mr. Right was there for that time in my life.  The fortunate and most blessed part of it all is the fact that we are one big blended family now, we were mature enough to realise we are raising the future and to know that in the end the little people matter and should be allowed to enjoy their childhood and not recover from it.

So in saying all of the above I guess there are two ways of looking at it, I can either judge the poor bloke for making his decision based on the information he has about me and respect (which I am doing) his point of view or I can look at as choice of understanding, I have been through life, and I am realistic about my expectation, I know what I want and what I wont settle for.  I am a strong, unbreakable woman of substance, I earn my own income and sustain myself (sometimes by means of family) and am happy.  I do not require to be “saved” or feel someone needs to “complete” me, so it would have to take a very strong individual to accept but mostly appreciate what I have accomplished and been through.

Coming back to the nature part, the female species (in the animal kingdom as well as the human) are more inclined to accept offspring that they did not physically gave birth to and I always believe in these two statements:

“Mothers are born either by nature or nurture and not defined by the way a child entered the world”

“A mothers heart is like a taxi, there is always room for one more”

Male species on the other hand are wired completely different, it’s a catch 22 situation, some fathers are born the day their children are born and some are raised by the best of the best fathers and accept others offspring as their own.  In the end its about the value they bring to that child’s life or they see the need to step up to the plate where the other male counterpart neglected his duties as a father.

My ex-husband has the most amazing fiancé who not only accepted his situation but become a second mother to my children, not step no, other mother.  She became a mother by nurture.  My non-biological dad loved my mother so much he did what no sane man would ever do, accepted her 16 year old (hormonal | going through puberty | destructive and rebellious) daughter and has been there for me the last 14 years of my life.  He has no biological children of his own yet he refers to me as his child and absolutely adores my children and they are besotted with their Oupa.

Ok so there, got it off my chest.  I believe I am one hell of a catch for the right man and I don’t have baggage, I have value adds :-)

xoxo

Run away with me...

I am crazy, mental some days, out of my mind but that’s me, I have come to accept myself as I am, craziness and all.  I do however make mistakes, some I cannot take back and some I am happy I made for the life lesson I learned from it.

The difficult thing about me is that I life with my heart on my sleeve, I am either all in or nothing at all.  There are no grey areas in my life.  Its been that way with everything I have ever taken on.  If I think of how I do business then I kind of realise how I would be in my personal life too.  When I want something I go all out to get it, I don’t always care of what is in my way or how it impacts others, I have a goal in mind and need to achieve the impossible.

Recently there have been a lot of successful love stories posted on social media and me being a complete romantic, I always read it and wish I could be in their shoes.  I am fully aware of the fact that only “fools rush in” BUT and yes it’s a very big BBBBBBUUUUUUTTTTT why not?  Who made the rules? Think about it, in life we do things based on how others tell us to do things and yet when I decided to go against what was deemed “normal” and become friends with my ex-husband and his future wife, it turned out to be a success.  There are no manuals, no written rules, just what we guard ourselves against and what we hide from. 

A dear friend of mine recently got married at the spur of the moment, they met 6 months ago in a foreign country, fell in love, waited for marriage before they were intimate and wanted to so badly live happily ever after that they ran off to City Hall in New York and just did what they wanted to do.  I almost feel like I sometimes live in the wrong era, I should’ve lived in the 60’s or something.

One thing that I can be sure of is that I will not stop praying and believing that God has someone special in mind for me, someone who will accept me for all my craziness and just want to have me around forever.

Fairytales happen everyday, they are there not just for little girls but for woman who still hold the dream in their hearts that Prince Charming is on his way, he may not have a white horse or stay in a castle, gosh he doesn’t even have to be a prince, he just needs to fight the dragon and win the heart of the princess.

One day we will run off and live happily ever after....

In or out of my Shell

By no means do I ever claim to be better than others, I have in fact noticed that I have taken a rather different path than what I planned on in the beginning.  I've been and probably am still making a lot of mistakes that I should probably not be making. And then again tomorrow rears it head and you realize that it's a brand new day to start fresh.... Again.

I have been wanting to loose 5kg which turned into 7kgs due to just overindulging, I've wanted to become more active,stop swearing so much, stick to my plans and just become successful, the only thing standing in my way is me.  A friend of mine said that once you announce something bad about yourself you cast that doubt over your life.  There are aspects where I feel like I have changed and it's been for the better now I need to finish the tasks I have set out for myself.

I truly believe that we sometimes need to go back to our inner roots to establish where we need to move forward from.  I need to start doing a daily planner to structure my life, it's as simple as that.  Then you have your personality, this is formed in your pre-teens, pre-messed up and really neither here nor there 20somethimg years.  Just because you have done a major life change by moving out, getting married, having kids or whatever doesn't mean you have to lose you.

I will probably always have the little bad girl inside me, not the type that gets you in trouble but the type of girl that loves tattoos, gothic clothes, prefers not to wear bright clothes, loves rock and punk music, wears her heart on her sleeve, can go a week wearing black without someone having to die, rock out with music vibrating from my car on my way to work and singing my heart out.  The fact is we have to have balance and make a choice of character.  For instance, at work I prefer looking professional and classy, as soon as I get home I am in my pj's and can stay that way the whole weekend. During the weekends and off days I could probably make more of an effort but why should I? I'm comfortable and look homeless most day but I'm happy.

So I know I've been going on about wanting to meet someone and moving forward in my life but geez Louise, it's hard.  Firstly, I don't know where they hide half of the potentials, I'm NOT going to start hanging out at my local pub (probably wouldn't even know where it is either) and then you have to start the whole process of getting to know someone, try fit the into your life, make room for them and then you suddenly realize maybe it's all too much too soon.  I'm not unhappy being single, not for one moment, I'm not lonely, my children, family and friends make up for that and then it's work functions and and and..... Also I am not a serial dater or like to speak to 10 guys at the same time, I firmly believe in doing to others what you want done to yourself.

All in all its been a process, one of chance, back to the original plan from a few months ago, start living the life I put down on my vision board and start somewhere, focus and become the person I dream to be and hopefully meet the person I'm dreaming of too.

So it's a question of being in my shell or actually moving out and becoming uncomfortable, taking that step and growing a pair and meet people anywhere anything, talking, networking, focusing and becoming the best version of myself....

Xoxo

the art of appreciation

Sit and focus, look at the people around you, your animals, your family, your children or just you surrounded by you.  Look at them, don't just see them. Now open you heart and feel the emotion that plays in conjunction with looking at them. The deeply warm and satisfyingly feeling of joy, love, heartache, pleasure, pride and most of all being content. Family, friends, children, lovers, partners, all bring us some kind of sense of "belonging".

Today I read some sad news, I have been following this family who has a son with congenital heart disease, he is only a few months old and has spent about half his life in the NNICU where his mom and dad kept staying positive and kept on praying.  Today the parents posted that he is not a suitor for heart surgery and have decided to start getting off his meds slowly and take him home on Monday so that he may spend his last hours at home with his family.

"WarriorsforWalt"

Once again after reading that my whole perspective of life fell back into place again.  We live such hectic lives to please other people and yet we do not spend time with the small people, the people that count.  I gave my babies the biggest hugs I could and loved and kissed them just that little extra because we are all on borrowed time.

What this has also done for me is made me even more determined to keep believing that I will find love again with someone who will see the value of these little souls and how they keep me grounded and happy.  I am nothing without my children and they will not be a sacrifice.

So admire the people around you, tell them you love them, hug them out of the blue because where that mother is preparing to let go of her angel back to heave, we can still throw our arms around the little people we have around us.

May God bless Liz and her husband through this difficult path they are walking on together, little Walt will be with his Holy Father where he won't have to suffer any longer.

Please pray for this family on Monday when they say goodbye

Know your Plan

Putting yourself out there.  It’s hard, you will be judged, you will fail and you will more often than not end up right at the beginning again.  Before you can take that step forward, you have to reevaluate the situation.  Are you ready for what you will find and will you be strong enough to deal with being let down.

People are mean, they don’t like seeing people do better than them, they don’t like competition and they don’t want to be sidelined.  In all kinds of relationships you will find those people, it’s a matter of knowing the quality rather than having the quantity.  If you think of any new venture you pursue, there is always that part of “getting to know an individual”.  Its fun, exciting and then you find the roadblocks, they either make you stumble and fall or you simply turn around and walk away.

In today’s society it is rather hard to find quality.  There are so many lonely souls who want to find love but we keep looking in the wrong places and yet all the wrong places are where we are at too.  Take for instance, dating sites, I’ve tried a very popular one – it should rather be called “onenighter” because that is all you are going to get, I think I’ve only heard of one successful relationship come from there.  There are so many and yet the quality is limited to handicapped or disabled, dropped dead gorgeously gay or just plain nasty.  Now I am vein, yes I wont hide that fact but there needs to be substance, I almost feel the pretty boy are the worst picks, I have never met a quality pretty boy.  That aside, you then have the likes of social media and networking, to a degree that could work or you could just look like a stalker.  Bars and Night Clubs have never really produced anything to write home.

So you are basically left with the likes of your friends and family who does not always understand when you say there is a specific profile you are looking for and they just hand out the single guys like lucky packets, we all do, we all have that one friend we so badly just want to have a good girl snag him up and he just doesn’t get the girl.  It is a sad reality but it’s a reality. 

Morals and values are non-existent, we all want the model on the front page and cry our hearts out when they drop us like a hot potato the moment they are done with you.  You almost feel like asking yourself, where have all the good men gone.   While driving home I was listening to a song which is rather controversial but in a way rings true – Garbage – Crush, the sound track for Romeo and Juliet, the words are as follows:

“I will pray for you, I will pray for you, I will sell my soul for something pure and true, someone like you”

When last did you actually sit down and put what you want into the universe?  When last did you ask for something rather than just taking what you can get?  Is asking for someone to be good looking, well educated, has substance, well established, looks after themselves, accepts a person’s reality, well mannered, big hearted, respects morals and values too much to ask?  No and that’s why it is good to be picky and set in your ways of what you want, we all deserve our happily ever after…. How we get it is the mission, the crutch, the “do not pass go”. 

It would help if there was a manual to this whole life thing but in a way it is nice and exciting to wake up every day not really knowing what awaits and just accepting the unknown, being grateful for life’s mysteries.  It’s a joy ride, keep enjoying it to the fullest…. 

Unnoticed Miracles

As I sit here in my bed, feeling very sorry for myself and wishing this flu would just pass by already, I never really stopped to think about how things have turned out for me over the last couple of months.  Before going into that, I just finished watching "Miracles from Heaven".  I highly recommend this movie to anyone and everyone, I cried my eyes out and now my nose is even more blocked than before.  

This is my blog, some things I have written on here which I am not completely fond of or particularly feel proud about it but nevertheless I left it on here, the purpose for it all is to one day read it all from the beginning and see how I crew from a caterpillar to a butterfly.  It all takes baby steps in the beginning, what I failed to write about was all the blessings.  I am a christian, probably not the best christian or the most obedient one at times but I believe in my heart that God loves me.  

I can tell you about all the instances that he was there and I just took it for granted but there are times now that are more relevant than the times before this blog transpired.  The thing is, I know a lot of people aren't where I am spiritually and everyone has their own views on what they think / feel and want to believe in, I share this for those who are looking for more, who want to notice that miracle and is not ashamed that their "beliefs" cramp their style.  

I am not here to convert anyone, I am basically just telling my story...

From losing everything, to slowly regaining everything.  A job opportunity presented itself when I was desperately looking, I had to take a leap of faith and it worked in my favor.  I finally moved into a bigger home, one where we werent all sharing a bed in my small one bedroom apartment but I thank God for those moments, they shaped me and made me more humble.  I regained friendships lost and made new ones along the way.  There were days I worried about not having enough food, days I worried that I might not make it through the month and every time that happened, a little miracle showed up.

I have been blessed with a car that can drive me to work and back, family that is there for me til the bitter end, a very satisfying job, a church I love, children that fill my heart with joy, food in my cupboards, blankets on my bed, warm water to bath in and most of all a God that keeps supplying even when I dont have the guts to ask.

When you looking for a miracle, just stop and think about what you needed most over the last couple of days and how you have somehow managed to get it, that is the biggest part of it all, noticing the unnoticed miracles around you.

I was asked today if I was happy and my answer to that was one that will keep me smiling to myself, "as long as other people are happy, then I am happy".  I would rather see you smile then hurt, my boat will come one day but for now I am content.

Peace. Love and Happiness

xoxoxox

The truth will set you free

The biggest thing for me at the moment is honesty, be honest, tell the truth and stop playing the victim.  You choose your happiness, you decided your fate, you govern your luck and either gravitate towards something or away.

I would like to straighten the curve that has been placed on a story which was alterd to make me seem like a horrible person.  I have never nor will I keep a child away for their biological parent,  I was subjected to that when I was in my teens and it was horrible to go through that experience.  I am glad I learned by going through that, that one should not do that.  I have however sought other avenues to ensure my safety and that of my child and therefore I am being seen in a bad light but once again it goes back to the fact that you cannot take risks with your life and that of a child.  So the "battle" that was fought was actually brought on by badly made choices and I was not playing the bad cop.

I have been raising a little angel for the last 11 months and 15 days on my own, diaper duty, breast feeding, no evenings out, no going out on weekends, crying, fighting nights away with troublesome teeth, all on my ace.  I take full credit for all her milestones, all her happy moments and all her little achievements because I was the one who helped her reach it.  One day I want to her to read my blog, hen she is old enough to understand and make her own logical decisions as to what will be best for her.  I want her to know the truth and what was going on and how I overcame my obstacles with her in my life.  It is because of her that I am still fighting, that I go through endless nights of no sleep because I worry that I will not be able to provide yet every month and by the grace of God, I am able to survive.  When she wakes up in the morning and she looks into my eyes with the biggest smile on her face, my heart melts.  When I get home and she throws her hands in the air, pulling her funny face at me and I grab her little body and squish her tight, I feel my spirit awaken with feelings like butterflies exploding into air through my veins. 

If any of the people have read from the beginning and actually follow my journey, you will know my heart, you will know me.  I am not a cruel vindictive person and I will give the shirt off my back to someone else, I trust without thinking twice and I always give someone the benefit of the doubt BUT dont EVER paint me as the bad guy when I am doing my damn best at raising my child.  Do not play the victim because you are not the victim here, you chose all of this.

I made peace with my decisions, I made peace with my bad choices, I made peace with my past but I am growing beyond what was expected and said of me.  I have risen again and I will keep fighting until the day that I blow out my last breath and with God by my side the truth will be exposed, slowly but surely things will come to light.

But I do not wish anything harmful on anyone, who am I to judge, I just ask that God's will be done, let he decide your fate and what your life should be like.  I have forgiven you, I wish you no harm.  All I hope is that one day you will see the truth for what it is and realise that you cannot live a life of lies and doubt, people are getting hurt and life is difficult for all of us.

I only wish peace and love over your life, and mine of course haha.

xoxoxo

A REAL Man

There is this gentleman at my church.  At first glance he does not seem very open to converse with but I have gathered that that's just the outer facade of him.  Once he knows who you are and what you are about, then he opens up a bit more.  He is a youth pastor and a youth leader, he gets involved and he helps where he can.  He is also married to a stunning young doctor and she is absolutely an all in one package.

So to actually get to the story of my post title, this gentleman is actually a REAL man, a Godly man, the type you read about who fights for justice and beat the odds.  He is definitely not the type of "guys" guy that is currently flooding the market, hence why I decided to write about him.

He is very much younger than me, he is a 90's baby (it still feels wrong working with people born in the 90's - I'm just saying) 26 years old to be exact.  He is married, that I mentioned but what I didn't tell you is that he married the love of his life who adopted 2 little orphaned babies before she ever met him.  She stepped up to the plate when these 2 babies had no hope of a future and became their mother.  She made a decision to live a life of a single parent because she wanted to give meaning to life for two little souls.  What she did not expect was to be the object of total mezmerization from this man. 

He fell in love the moment he met her and started pursuing her, she on the other hand did not want anything to do with him because of her responsibilities.  Countless times he tried and every time he was met with resistance.  Why would someone so young want to date a person who has not only 2 children that is in fact not even her biological children and she had no time for a relationship. 

Did this stop him??? Clearly not. He saw what many guys today fail to see, he saw past the     the added extras of live she carried with her and saw her, he saw a person and not her circumstances and he wanted to be a part of that.  He didn't think twice about becoming an instant father to two orphans who were not biologically his or hers, he wanted to be with her and no matter what it took, he was all in.  

I see them every Sunday at work and when I look at how great he is to his children and most importantly to his wife, it gives me hope.  It makes me excited, gives me something to look forward too and that one day when the time is right God will send a REAL man that will step up to the plate and put his big boy panties on and fall in love with me, regardless of what state my life is in or what I can and cannot give him.

At the end of the day there are copious quantities of guys out there but only a select few quality guys....

Wait for yours, give it to the dude upstairs, believe and trust.  Your other half is out there...

I like Jam on my toast

I’ve been meaning to write for over a week now but I am just not getting to it.  Yes I know the excuse we all use “I was so busy, I don’t have time”, well I didn’t.  I spent my time with my girls.  I had them for 2 solid weeks………….. by myself…………………..for two weeks……………. Do you know how long two weeks can be with a 6 year old, 4 year old and 10 month old……………………… LONG!!! But I enjoyed it and got to bond with my eldest, which was so super amazing.  She is like a little version of me, Chan 2.0, just way more maintenance, my mother’s wishes came true.  The many years I hear “one day you will have a daughter that is 10 times worse than you” and yup, not only did I get one, oh no, you must remember God has a sense of humor, buy two and get one free……….  Lucky me!!! I love my girls, little mini-me’s all around.  I can sometimes just sit and watch them, to think I was part of creating those little energy syphoning terrorists and yet they each have a piece of my heart with them at all times, nothing beat being a mom, whether it’s a biological mom, step mom, foster mom, adopted mom, granny, ouma, whatever, its special…..

Any case, I can carry on the whole night.  So after this weekend I came to the realization that I am actually quite awesome, a rare kind of catch, uniquely different, an acquired taste, a hint of sweet with the bitter taste, a smell of some memory one forgotten but twice found, a melody that rekindles a distant feeling locked away.  I am frankly a Bold statement of fabulous.

Believe me, the above took me 30 years to find.  I finally found myself, within myself.  I don’t have a big ego, far from it, I just realized who I finally am and what is awesome about me and the BEST part of it all???  I didn’t need someone else to feel complete, no validation needed, no permission asked, no compromise made, nothing.  It as in a brief moment of dancing and skipping around towards nowhere in the middle of the ballroom while my dress twirled in the air and I felt like a princess, in that moment I felt complete. 

I had the time of my life; I was dancing, mingling, chatting, twirling, skipping, grunge jumping, singing and finally passed out due to sheer exhaustion.  I haven’t felt that elated in years, not since before my children were born, not actually in forever.  The night was magical and it was magical while spending it mingling but not depending on anyone but myself.

At almost 30, I have accomplished quite a bit,  I was engaged 3 time, married once, divorced, homeless, broke, alone, have 3 children, regained myself, lost my best friend – my sister, became an only child, made peace with my enemies, embraced a blended family and learned to survive… And after all of that I still gave my heart to the Lord and kept my two promises – to stay single for a year ( 3 months to go) and to stay celibate until I get married.  Maybe the 2 biggest and most difficult promises to make but I am so proud of myself for keeping them.

So in saying all of the above, going off topic and then back again, I know the following:

You are out there,  I am patiently waiting for you to find me.  I am a survivor and a warrior.  I have been pushed down, stripped of my dignity and have become humble and grateful.  I am fun, smart, witty, be one of the boy but I can also clean up nicely.  I have 3 beautiful daughters, a blended family bigger than most families.  My children are loved and cared for.  I am happy and complete.  So one day when you do walk into my life unexpectedly, just keep in mind that my uniquely awesome life is one of a kind.

xoxo

Recheck yourself!!!

You know when you looking for signs and you just don't seem to find it, you make a mental note and you kind of carry on, then one day out of the blue BAM!!! It hits you square in the face.  The last couple of weeks I felt a bit distant from myself, felt like I was retreating back into a dark space, so today I wanted to have a movie day with the girls. We rented 2 kiddies movies and I picked "Mockingjay Part 2" and "How to be single".  Well did yesterday and today turn out with different endings for me.  

After watching miss Everdeen on her many trails to finally find the peace and revenge she wanted, she instead found love and peace.  What motivated me from the ending of that movies was how she kept on fighting, she never gave up because people were counting on her.  In the second movie I realized that although I have set my time limit on being single, I haven't quite stopped looking, I haven't taken the time to be me, find me, become me and enjoy me.  

So in all the greater scheme of things, I have decided and concluded that in order for me to move forward and find happiness,  I need to accomplish my goals I set out for myself. Rightfully said, today will be the day I sit down and focus on my goals, decide what I want and how I am going to get there.

And it was actually the first night in months that I actually finished watching MY movies and it's 01:23am and I feel great!!

May today be the start for many more things to come!!!

Love life, you only have one shot at it 

Xxx

Surviving your own Brood

Being a single mom is hard, there are no “time-outs”, there are no “hold the baby while I quickly disappear for 5 minutes”, there is no extra pair of hands.  It’s hard, no sugar coating it, it’s the hardest job I have ever had to do in my whole life.  I would rather go to work every day of the week and do cold calling until I am blue in my face because I am not built for being a full time mom.  I commend the full time moms, you have the patience of a saint.

I had a mommy meltdown, yes I sad on the floor and just cried, I cried for accepting that I did this to myself, I chose this life, I chose to do it alone.  I have a baby fast asleep in bed, my eldest as good as gold and my middle child literally turning into a little devil.  So many nights I sit and fantasize about how it would actually feel to just have day for me, a day where I wake up on my own time, chill in bed, maybe read a book or two and just simply be, but alas that will never happen.  “Why?” you ask, its simple, its not JUST about me anymore, during that day of luxury I will keep on worrying about my children in the back of my mind, feel guilty for spending the day by myself and not with them and question myself 10 times over whether I am doing the right thing for myself or not. 

I am sitting in bed typing away while I listen to my middle child wailing away for goodness knows what, my eldest trying to sleep and I am doing my best to ignore her.  I sometimes don’t understand why we do this to ourselves, like who’s clever idea was it to love someone so much that you want to create another life together?? There should be a warning manual given out before marriage and a 5 day crash course where they play barney all day on tv and a cd of a crying child on repeat, you know, to ease you into it.  I really feel like such a bad mother most days, I carry on walking when one is wailing at my feet for something and I give people the “what are you looking at stare” and some days I walk out of a shop after announcing that I am leaving, whether they follow or not and most times they come screaming after me because I “forgot” about them.  Yeah right, like I would intentionally choose to forget you.

There were days that I worried that I’d turn out like my parents, not that they did a bad job, hey I am unique and it took a damn tough person to raise me.  Kudos to my mom and my ever patient other dad for sticking it out with me.  The thing is, I am not my parents, our circumstances are way different then what I am in now and one thing I never for one moment doubted was that they loved me.  I mean, take today.  I have been a very self-centered, selfish, undoubtedly miserable, stubborn and hardheaded child you could possibly find on the face of the earth and yet today my mom and dad stop at my new home and drop off a brand spanking new fridge for me.  Not once did I ask for it, I don’t even think I deserve it to be honest but one things I will never ever question, is their love for me.  I took me by complete surprise and I have never been so grateful to receive a proper working fridge in my life.

Its not always about the big things, its about my eldest child coming to sit in my lap and pat me on the back while I cry because my middle child hit me in the face and it was actually really sore, its about kissing the monster good night and hugging her while she tells me “sorry mommy for hitting you in the face with my angry bird”, its about finally climbing into bed and having a little 10 month old wiggling herself closer to me just to make our co-sleeping that more worth it.

At the end of the day, they are what makes you, you and the love for them will last a lifetime.

Do not Disturb

​One of the most mindbogglingly things for me to date and actually has been on my mind since, like, forever, will be the confidence a man walks around with, especially those who you would never ​even look at twice.  We've all had the "Oom" on the beach with the beer belly check us out and actually walked up to some of you and started a conversation, never-mind the beach, at a restaurant, bar or randomly at shopping centres.

Is it maybe because females have a lack of testosterone or what??  Why on earth would we not have that "confidence" gene?  And my ultimate hate is when you are single, this also goes for me too, you get stalker, talked too or added randomly on social media by the creepiest bunch of guys out there.  I mean seriously?? I am not desperate and I have my list of requirements, it almost makes you wonder what category of "looks" or "attractiveness" you fall under,  That to me is just unacceptable.

I have had 3 instances so far, the first was when I quickly had to send out an email to a client, I stopped off at the nearest place and hurried into a little space and started working.  It was close to home time so I ordered myself a glass of wine and started cracking on my email, not 5 minutes into my work, there he was.  I could smell home before I even saw him, body odor mixed with the smell of cigarette smoke lingering.  He casually walks up and asks me of he could buy me a drink, I politely refuse and then he proceeds with "you look busy, may I join you while you work" - um NO! was my response and he kind of backed away slowly but kept on starring at me from a distance. Like you got to be joking!!

The second instance was on a work social media platform, the guy adds me and I send him a WORK mail about my business and our offerings.  Not a second later he says cool, we can set up a meeting at my offices.  Ok so from the get go of the reply I kind of had a weird feeling about it, so I ask a male colleague to sit in the meeting with me.  He rocks up at our office, start talking and the whole meeting is about himself, almost like a speed dating session that took forever to finish, while I kept on trying to cut the meeting short and my male colleague also tried, he just carried on.  Finally he gets up and leaves, I almost cling to my male colleague as to not have to walk out with this guy.  Not even an hour later this dude starts adding me on all social platforms and starts stalking me.  Like SERIOUSLY??? So I block him everywhere and left it at that.

The third was one of those, you add people because they invite you on social media because you share a connection or you attend the same church or whatever the case.  So I innocently accept the friend request.  Soon after my photos from a few months back start popping up as "liked" on my notifications, then I start getting inbox messages on messenger.... I ignore the guy, sometimes being polite gets your burnt just as bad as actually trying to tell them to leave you alone.

So in saying the above, I am not vain or horrible, God created us all with certain likes and dislikes, stuff that appeals to us that dont to others.  I just have a certain preference and I am not going to just jump at any opportunity that presents itself.  I have come to the conclusion that I cannot marry for money as I seriously need a connection with the other person.  I know within the first few minutes of meeting someone, whether or not there would be potentially something or not.  But in saying all of the above, I have actually had a lot of time to think while driving to and from work lately.  I dont have the time, capacity, will or need for someone right now.  Yes I will always make the odd joke about "oh and if you know of a rich single guy, send him my way".  That is just plain playful banter, the same as if anyone new is employed or somebody talks about their single friends, the question always pops up about whether they are hot or not, its just a silly conversation making statement.

So all in all, there is unfortunately no space in my life for anyone unless you are super duper extra-ordinary but that doesnt really happen and I have yet to be proven wrong.  I share my bed with a little warm body every night, my weekend are filled with quality time with my offspring, my evenings I work and look for business to make sure I have enough income to look after myself and frankly, I am content.  I am my own boss, I do what I want, talk to whomever I want, wear what I want, change my mind 10 times without having to consult anyone and actually would like to start socializing and start serving at church more often.

So there you go, in a nutshell - I have standards - I dont like creepy dudes and not in the market AT ALL until further notice.

So as those door hangers say " DO NOT DISTURB " 

A Temporary Hiatus

I haven’t written on my blog for a while.  It has been by choice.  I have had a lot of changes that manifested in my life which I wanted to give the time to settle in properly.

I have started a new job, one that I prayed for for quite some time and the one that presented itself to me was far from what I thought it would be, it has taken me out of my comfort zone and yet its has acted as a platform on which I am growing as an individual, my self-confidence has reached a new level and I am able to build relationships where I never thought possible.  The other aspect of it all is that I have a new Family, my work family.  We each have a link in some or other way to one another and the best part of it all, we all have small children so its easier for us to relate to each other.  The environment is a stable and welcoming one, the people (most of them) are friendly and helpful.  To say I am happy is an understatement.  God provided this opportunity for me, now I need to make the best of it.

My personal life has been somewhat of a different challenge.  There have been days where I have felt insatiable happiness and other days where I wished my life could just be normal, go home, go to work, go home, you know the normal routine. I must admit that I do enjoy every so often receiving feedback from total strangers and friend on how my blog has helped them overcome an obstacle in their lives and how they were able to see a situation in a different light.  The part that I do not enjoy and I also cannot really complain about this because I chose to leave the door open, is the fact that people are keeping tabs, taking my words out of context and using it as a tool to harm and hurt other individuals.  It is rather sad that we have such horrible, vindictive, sly and just plain disgusting human beings out there.  In saying all of that, I choose not to let them get me down, all I can do is pray for them and hope that one day they might find inner happiness with themselves and their lives.

The last few weeks I have also made some decisions, ones that are not only for my own sanity but probably because you can only do so much.  I, as mentioned above, can only pray for the situation to change as I do not have the capacity or capability to do it or carry it on my shoulders anymore.  I have decided to step away from a situation, distance myself for the betterment of the other people involved, I have embraced the fact that I am happy for my children to call my ex-husbands future wife “mommy – mama – mom” whatever they decide, I told them I’m cool with it.  I wrote a letter and spoke from the heart to my father and can only hope that one day things will be able to resolve itself until then I can just pray.  The burden of keeping everyone happy and to be careful not to step on any toes has completely been thrown out the door with the trash, it not been an easy decision and far from a selfish one, its just a matter of not wanting to be in the middle anymore.

Financially I am still trying to figure out how to sustain myself and how to best go about making the most of my income and utilizing it in a way that I don’t burn myself.  The emotional roller-coaster has taken me on an insightful trip, I am dealing with CCMA case (my first and frankly I am pooping my pants with this one) where I literally feel I am being discriminated against but I cannot really have any expectation here, people are going to do things for the betterment of themselves and not take into consideration that at the end of the road they are doing more harm than good.  I’ve had an ongoing sga with my last born and trying my best to make the right decisions so that she may one day not have to “recover” from her childhood due to being exposed to the wills of others.  Its been hard, its been draining and its been a massive distraction from my work.  I made over and above my target last month and yet this month I have not had any clients trading.  I know my focus has been elsewhere and every day I walk in and say today I will make a difference and before my sentence is completed, I am hit by a curve-ball.

So in rambling on about the above, I have decided to change a few things, starting with:

1.       Nightly Bible study (mornings are way too hectic for me)

2.       Create a vision board and work towards it

3.       Start everyday new

4.       Focus on work and have an hour a day for personal stuff and then leave the rest

5.       Make time for everything

6.       Pay off my small debts owing to people

7.       Stop being lazy

8.       Stop finding and excuse

9.       Start believing that God gave you this opportunity, he will provide

10.   Start keeping in touch with family and friends on a regular basis

Oh and before I forget, this is a BIGGY!!!

I am finally content, I have lost the desire to have someone in my life, I am completely happy being single.  There has never been a time in my life that I can honestly say that I have been happy to be single.  Those were lies and I should have been punished for even saying or believing that.  Sitting on my cough with my very affectionate kitten, sore throat, feeling a little bit sorry for myself, watching my baby over the monitor while she sleeps and thinking of all the work I need to do before I go to bed…. I can confirm that there has not been a day in 4 years that I have been this content.  Regardless of how this month will turn out, the good news I will receive and the learning experiences that will be thrown on my path, I can safely say, Bring it on!!!

Just like the songs “Because I’m happy”

xxxx

Help Moses

Good evening

Firstly I am apologising for sending this email, number one, its late and number two, I don't know you and you don't know me but I have a request.

I believe we meet people for different reasons and today a gentleman helped me with a box of matches because I didnt have any change on me and I wasnt going to swipe my card on the machine as I didnt want to buy any more stuff from the garage.

I asked for a match, he said he'd buy for me.  I had nothing to give him but my business card and I wrote on the back "Thank you".  I also said to him that he must call me if he needs help....... And he did.  He sent me an sms. 

This is what he sent me:

Thanx for responding, I currently dont have a drivers license, I only have matric subjects certificate, (UV) utility vehicle certificate from Murray & Roberts Company, and sevral program certificates including HIV/AIDS peer educators certificate, I am very skillful and able to learn quick. I am currently stuck with a financial problem, I study risk management course with IQ Academy.  All I need right now is better work opportunity to upgrade my life.  I got no parents,and working for transport and food now. My dream is to see myself success one day. I also have a great gardening designing skill, even runned a Hope Support Group Organization before as a chair person. I was taken in by a white guy who kind of adopted me but cannot afford to look after me anymore.  I work at the garage for between 12 to 14 hours without lunch and one day off per week,  I dont drink or smoke.

Moses Phefo

Something I dont always share with people due to their own judgments, I am a reborn christian, I lost everything I owned 10 months ago, I walked to work and had to take hand outs for food as I couldnt afford food for myself, as a single mother you put your child first.  Since joining FCBT my life has improved and I am happier than I have ever been.  I learned to be grateful and humble, appreciate the smaller things in life.  I always wondered what my purpose in life was and I kind of think its to help others.

I am not asking for you to help if you do not feel it necessary but all I ask is if you could maybe pass on this gentleman's details so we might find someone who can help him.

I only wish you the best evening.

The Wonders of my God

There are all types of people who follow all sorts of religions, beliefs and so on.  My blog is my personal space where I write about the wonders that have happened in my life and regardless if you are an atheist or just a spiritual person but to me God is my everything.

The wonders of my God - Jesus Christ - The Holy Spirit

11 months ago my life fell apart.  The sadness I felt I could never imagine a person could feel.
3 weeks after my baby was born I was homeless, staying in between home with my mother and grandmother. 
3 months I was allowed to temporarily stay with my dad. 
December 2015 I moved into my "halfway" home and done as much as I could to survive.
I accepted groceries in January 2016 from staff members and the church, I walked to work because I didn't have a car and I reached the lowest point in my life. 

I LOST EVERYTHING

So I changed my mindset, started following my religion, worked at what I wanted and set up a 6 month goal list with 5 goals.

1. Find an new job
2. Find my feet financially
3. Find a new home 
4. Be closer to my children
5. Hope Mr. Right finds me (hasn't happened and frankly not interested)

All of the first 4 became a reality.  As I sit here I realised that I am blessed.

The 6 month in 2016 my 4 major goals became a reality and I owe it all to GOD!!!

Romans 8 - My very first moment with God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. 

I owe everything to him who has given me new life, I new meaning to being a good person, a new meaning for wanting to do what is right and for just being grateful for everyday that is a blessing.

There are things, custody battles for my baby, unforeseen circumstances with all sorts of thing that presents itself daily but it is truly how you look at it and at the moment I choose to walk with a smile on my face, head held high and to be happy.

I OWE EVERYTHING TO GOD

Your dreams are never to small, dont ever underestimate the power of your God.

Always have a grateful heart.