I am sad

Life has really been a little house of horrors for me, I have meant to be all coming up sunshine and roses yet I cannot physically get myself to write anything positive at the moment.  I think I am allowed a bad day / week/ month / year or forever now and then.

The bad news hit me from all sides yesterday, some of it started over the weekend.  I don’t blame anyone for anything that happened but myself, its as if I have to accept the inevitable truth.  The wors that keep resounding in my head “your will, your way, your mercy God”.  A friend of mine sent me an email yesterday and in it read “God gives his strongest soldiers his hardest battles”, well let me tell you this soldier is waving the white flag.  I am getting up and walking towards the gun to put my flower in the barrel loaded and aimed at me.  I am stripping off the bulletproof vest, placing my ammo on the floor and surrendering. I cant do it anymore, I am done fighting, done trying to make my own decisions and done trying to keep up with others.

Walking into the bathroom falling to my knees, vulnerable and scared, I poured all my hurt and pain into my prayer and all I could muster up was “please God, please help me”.  The tears didn’t seem to have an end, my heart didn’t seem to feel like it will be able to put the pieces together again and the second panic attack set in for the day.  I needed to get rid of these feelings, this soul clenching hurt, I felt as if I was being choked.  I had no choice but to agree, to give in and to let go.  Maybe every inch of my being has to be broken to a million little pieces and lay scattered on the floor in front of me so I can sit down, pick up the glue and slowly start building again.

Today I looked like I either had a helluva bender last night or a massive allergic reaction, the tears still moments away from filling my eyes and I keep swallowing back the chocked feeling in my throat.  My eldest daughter has a wonderful way of reminding me she doesn’t like me very much, I think she tells me she hates me more than she loves me and yet I still try and tell her as much as I can that I love her,  the middle child never wants me to go anywhere, she is my shadow and the baby is just a happy go lucky little person.  Its been a rather trying time and feel like such a failure as a mother.  My award will probably sent in the mail.  All I want is for them to see I am trying, trying to give them what I can, trying to understand their emotional outbursts, their needs and wants and most importantly I am trying to be the mom I always promised I will be only on a part time basis now.  Yes the other reality, the more people tell me “you will always be their mother, they know that, they love you” the more I want to take those individual and put them in my situation for a day, just feel and understand, its hard.

Probably not the best post or the most motivating, I just have too much sadness inside me at the moment.  I am mourning.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts for human beings to comprehend.  We always say “I will forgive but I will never forget” and yet the main reason someone asks for forgiveness is for that person to forget the hurt, the pain, the hate, the disappointment. 

I asked for forgiveness from my ex-husbands Fiancé and it was one of the most liberating moments in my life.  The mountain of hate and guilt I carried on my shoulders vanished, the feeling of complete release was magical.  The eye-opening fact was that as I asked her to forgive me, I felt her hurt and pain she has been carrying with her.  For the first time in my life I felt as if I was standing in her shoes and it sucked, she was genuinely hurt by my words and actions.

The relationship between myself and the fiancé has always been a love/hate situation.  Some days I love to hate her, hate to love her, love to love her and hate to hate her.  What I failed to acknowledge is that she didn’t ask to meet a man who had a life before she stepped into the picture, who had an ex-wife and two gorgeous little girls.  She probably viewed her future in a much more different light to the reality she received, nonetheless she accepted it and took it in her stride.  I for one am very grateful to have a stable, loving and caring stepmom in my girls lives.  She cares for them as if they were her own, she never complains or keeps track of what she does for them.

She was a threat to me, here this woman is trying to replace me, take my rightful place in my children’s lives but never once did I stop and think “maybe its not such a bad thing to have another person love my children as much as I love them”.  She can be my safety net, she catches the pieces when they fall, she is my backup when I cant make it, she’s the caregiver when I am not there when they are sick.  I would rather have her in our lives and my girls never feel neglected or alone.

I look at the whole situation in the following light; there are these 3 little girls, they have 8 sets of grandparents, they have numerous cousins, aunts and uncles, who wouldn’t want that much love for their children.  Each and everyone absolutely adores them and loves spending time with them, we have our own village that looks after these little girls and one day her little one will join the whole brood as well.  We are one of the most unconventional families and yet it works.  I am not going to listen to people telling me that its unhealthy to have a relationship with my ex-husband and his fiancé, no, there is really nothing wrong with that, its better to raise happy and content little people who will look up to the love they received and not the lack their of one day.

The feeling was overwhelming to ask her forgiveness and thankfully she was home alone that morning, as she opened the door and turned towards me, I walked in and gave her a hug and apologised profusely with the most sincerest heart.  She held me so tight and I her, I wanted to pull away and she was still holding on and when I looked at her I saw the tears in her eyes and I felt her heartache, I was gutted, she doesn’t deserve to feel like that and here I was walking around being a proud Christian and yet making her feel awful.  She forgave me, it was as if the darkness in my heart vanished.  The one day a step-parent feels completely unappreciated is on mothers day and fathers day, I wanted to change that and I did, I asked her to join me on mothers day to celebrate not only myself for giving birth to my girls but to her accepting them as her own.

Life is way too short to go through it making the same mistakes over and over again and listening to disgruntled divorced individuals, there is really nothing wrong with wanting to have an amicable and awesomely good relationship with your ex and his new future wife.  This is my “New Normal” and frankly speaking, I am very happy with my decision.

My person

Born into a very Afrikaans family, somewhere in the middle but not really, the glue that has keeps the family together.  Timeless and elegant, she makes you feel comfortable in any setting and leaves you wanting to get to know her more.  Her youth forever captured in her mature exterior, never one for it to let it get the better of her.  She is witty, funny and always sees the best in everyone but don’t get on her bad side, she will make you regret ever crossing her. 

I honestly believe that God blessed her more than she can actually comprehend.  True love walked into her life at the tender age of 18, love at first sign.  For me to hear about other people’s chance meetings and how they fell in love is the best stories to listen to. She used to be a window dresser, she was beyond beautiful.  Snow white beautiful, that’s the only way I can explain it, hair as black as coal, lips the colour of a pink rose kissed by the sun and beautiful soul enchanting eyes.  He was from a very upper class English van der Merwe family studying to become an engineer, finished his schooling at Grey College in Bloemfontein, a very shy and introverted individual.

As fate would have it on that special day, many, many moons ago, she was asked to work at the till and he needed to make a purchase (fortunately for him).  The instant sparked that formed when they looked at one another still resounds in her mind every time the memory is recalled and her eyes sparkle from the memory. He was blown away, he experienced a feeling he never thought a man could feel, it made him vulnerable and unsure but the rush was unlike anything he ever had.  The days that followed he would drive past the shop she worked at, almost hiding behind the door panel to just catch a glimpse of her dressing a mannequin, blushing every time she may or may not have noticed him.

Her world was stopped in its tracks, he was so different to her, she was from a big family, they all shared, they were a unit, they lived for each other (they still do).  Love was plenty, if you measured their wealth by the love they had for one another, they would be the richest family in the world, money was of no object and yet they were perfectly content.  She lived for the thrills, she wanted to experience life for what was forbidden and in a moment of meeting this straight laced stranger she was captivated, she was draw to his pure soul and his gentle-manliness.

They married soon after and had 4 gorgeous children, 3 boys and 1 girl.  The years were hard but they stuck together, always seeing the good in one another and setting an example of love and commitment for their children and grandchildren.  I remember to this day the love they had and oh the fights, they used to have the most comical fights, you would laugh the afternoon away at them.   To this day she still thinks of him and has never moved on or wanted to for that matter, I guess when you find a love like that, it really is once in a lifetime.

When a man worships the mother of his children and thanks her for the life she provided for his family (after God obviously), it is more than evident on what is left behind long after he is gone.  She has been forever blessed with 11 grandchildren (sadly my sister passed away but she is still counted) and 4 greatgrandchildren, she is provided for and never had to work a day in her life, even now.  He still provides for her after he joined the angels in heaven.

So you see the point to all of this is that I want to one day experience life to the fullest like she has.  I sit in awe some days as her little squad can almost break down the house and yet she will tell you in no uncertain terms “Leave them they are playing”.  All the little ones are automatically drawn to her, I don’t know how they are but they just are, its almost as if they know she is our special person.  She is my home, she is not just my ouma, she is one of my best friends.  The stories I tell her, the levels of shock factor that comes with it and still she loves me, accepts me and is always there for me. 

My life is complete with her in it, she is my happy place, she loves me with the good and the bad.  I will forever thank the good Lord for giving her to us.

Love you to the moon and back. 

Introducing the change and embracing it

Changing your name.  Does it carry any significance, no.  Does is make you happy, no.  Does the sound of it being called remind you of your adolescence……. Unfortunately YES!!!  So then why keep it? Everyone I’ve ever known had a shortened version or a nickname, for me that was never really a reality, I’ve always just been Chantelle.  To me “Chantelle” reminds me of an unstable, insecure, narcissistic person.  I am not her anymore, I am free, I have changed, I have a new life.  With all of that new, I feel I need a new name, same same but different.  My mother never really chose my name nor does it belong to any older relative I am supposed to be honoring by keeping the tag.  So its time for a total transformation and on a Tuesday, now how’s that for wanting more confirmation that its to be done??

I have played around with a few ideas and I have decided to drop some letters and simply be referred to as “Chan”, not “Chants” simply just “Chan”.  I am also not going to carry my maiden name ever again as that plays to the same reason being called on my full name.  I know it’s a bit drastic but I need that proper change in order to feel complete. I don’t want reminders from my past, I want to be happy with my present me, the me who is on this amazing journey of self-discovery and change.  Unfortunately Facebook doesn’t support my instant gratification of change and will only allow me to embrace my new identity in 60 days’ time, lame Facebook, very lame. Though there is no stopping me from actively taking part in my new “name”, it’s all shiny and new, you can smell the new “name” smell.

For me lately, the most deliberating thing has been the inspiration I have given others to change, not just change for the better but to follow God as well.  I have had days when I re-read my blog and thought to myself that I shouldn’t have shared so much of myself but then again I have days where people actually said that sharing my biggest embarrassments have given them the motivation to change and work on their lives.  I still to this day struggle to accept a compliment and don’t really know what to say however my mother always told me to thank the person who is complementing you and take a few seconds for it to sink in as that is exactly how the individual is feeling in that moment.  Still its hard.  There are instances when I wish more people would read my blog, I pour so much of myself into it and always hope people will realise they have influence when they share it and someone out there may benefit and then again I always open myself up to criticism. For example when you look at the abuse some celebrities are throw with from complete strangers, it makes you want to just not be on social media.  How can you tell someone to go and kill themselves, really, there are special people out there.

On a positive note I have been looking at things more from an outsiders perspective and appreciate the people around me more than I used too.  To become less egotistical, one must really die to oneself and literally let go of what was comfortable and familiar.  To me not hearing my full name will feel uncomfortable and awkward but to know the reason behind the shortened version and how hard I’ve worked to be this different person makes it worth it.  I have worked harder, dedicated more, sacrificed and grown more in the last 7 months of my life than I have ever imagined to do.  You are never too old for change or too young to learn.  Yes I started my blog with a bang and committed myself to writing about something every day  and yet the more work I put in, the more I have to minimize my time online and be more present in the now.  I have gone a total of 8 days without any connection to my mobile, nothing, it was either completely drained of battery life or I couldn’t remember where I put it.  The experience was amazing, I didn’t disconnect from a conversation, I didn’t browse social media and I was able to give undivided attention to the people who mattered around me.  We miss out on so much of life because we constantly want to feel content with the validation from other that what we are doing is right or socially acceptable yet those people are not there when you need to make major life decisions.  I was also able to notice a situation that was somewhat out of my control yet I had the ability to stop it before it caused more damage than it could have, I trusted my gut feeling and acted immediately.  Reliving the scenario is not great but knowing that God made me more aware and for me to put my one unhealthy addiction (my cellphone) down actually made me super proud of myself.

So here’s to my new journey as just Chan Thrupp, completely ordinary to some but extremely extraordinary to others!!

Patience is not my virtue

I've never really been big on patience, in fact I hate it.  If I am made aware of something then I want to know now, like honestly NOW!!!! Instant gratification, the bane of my existence. Cant we just go back to waiting for a smoke signal in the distance and just be happy with that, somehow I just realized that that could be a problem as well because I might just start seeing imaginary things.  I want to be able to wait and not rush into things, I want to be content with just enough info.  The elders say that once you have children then you will learn patience, children teach you patience.  Yes agreed, when you have to eventually after begging a toddler to get dress and asked if you could help and you get a stern “I do it myself mommy” then you calmly count to a 100 and sit down and wait, you have now been told by the highest of authorities because goodness forbid you helped that little terrorist and all hell breaks loose.

So yes and no, children teach you how to have patience (just enough not to go crazy) with them but life still say NO, I don’t have patience with life.  Maybe it’s a control thing, I want to have too much control.  People always complain about my driving but once I am in others cars (especially with my mom) I want to soil my shorts, I can’t believe I drover with her when I was younger and survived!! I love you mom J.  Anyways she is a good driver, maybe I am just overreacting due to not having the brake pedals on my side of the car…… Love you still mommy….  Ok before I get disowned, I have thought of ways to maybe let it go.

You see, there is a saying, Let go and let God.  Whatever is meant to happen will happen, your path has been pre-planned and your destiny is set so no use in rushing something.  Be positive and believe in your heart that what you are meant to receive, you will receive.  Life has a way of getting you excited for nothing sometimes but isn’t it sometimes the thrill we live for, that one moment gives us a glimmer of hope where there once were nothing.  It’s the small things.  To be brutally honest my life has been turned 180 degree in the right direction since giving my life over to God yet the other 180 degrees of change that need to happen is by putting my complete faith in him and trusting that behind the scenes he is doing his work and putting things together for me that will benefit my life as he sees it fit.

As we approach the Easter weekend and reflecting on what was sacrificed for us in order to be forgiven, I think its just fitting to trust and believe that he will sort out whats next, he has put the desires in my heart, he has put me in a situation which I never really even imagined I’d be in or want to be in at the moment but I am embracing it and I am learning the value of it.  I have gone from having everything, reflecting sometimes on how much I used to spend and how much extra money I always had and how I took all of that for granted to loosing almost everything I have ever held dear to me, trying to free wheel down the highway to save my petrol.  But in all of this mess I have put myself in, I have found myself, slowly but surely rebuilding my character I lost over the years and becoming the strong person I am supposed to be.

Here’s to a wonderful long weekend *cheers* 

God's funny sense of Humor

Sometimes my short temper can get the better of me, its almost as short as the week old hair on my legs I haven’t needed to shave for anyone!! Think I’m becoming a feminist, might just burn my bra while I am at it but then again these suckers need some support after providing nourishment to 3 very happy little girls.  Anyways, my daughter has been diagnosed, by me, with JLHM disorder. Let me break it down for you “Just like her mother” disorder.  It is all slowly starting to make sense now.  Her and I have somewhat of a weird relationship, we never really bonded, I think I may have suffered with Postnatal Depression and in turn couldn’t form that bond with her but luckily she was able to form that bod with her father who is her Hero.  I may not like my ex-husband very much and it very regularly the scale tips between the two extremes but he is a phenomenal dad, the best dad I could have asked for, he is just amazing and that’s where that stays with me, he is a good dad better than most.

So now I have to find a way to better my relationship with my eldest daughter who has a similar personality to her mother.  In times like these I always feel God has a really funny sense of humor.  He made me, I am THEE most difficult person I know, I am 30 and still learning about myself, now there is this half sized mini me walking around who sometimes has the same horrible attitude I used to have and wants everything her way.  Great, just great, thank you for the my dear Heavenly father and just for the record I am saying it with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.   There is this little girl that will slowly start opening avenues for both of us to discover about ourselves, I have the opportunity to heal my past hurts from my parents’ divorce by giving her the right tools to deal with her parents divorce and working as a team with her father and his fiancé, we can build a strong little person who can take on life no matter what obstacles lie ahead of her.  She is my blessing in more ways than I ever thought.  Then there is the resemblance to my sister, forever in heaven but we have our earthly reminder with us.  Her blonde hair, her blue eyes, her laugh, she make everything feel better.

There will come that time when I will share the truth of the decision I made to separate and then finally divorce her father, for having an affair (even though it was when I was separated already from her father) and falling pregnant out of wedlock with my youngest to someone I didn’t know much about.  With all my bad decisions I can sit her down one day and tell her the truth, explain how my decisions hurt more people than I ever thought possible and how from my bad decisions she can make the right ones.  I never wanted to tell people the truth about my life or even tell my children but I think sometimes the truth not only sets us free but when we let others know it makes people come out from their hiding places and they themselves can deal with whatever they have gone through.

I believe in using our past mishaps and wrong decisions not only as guidance on making the right decision but also as a reminder not to go down the same path again and to know when to see the red flags.  I must admit I was so ashamed to admit what wrongs I have committed but I realized that only the Lord can judge us and now with Easter approaching I once again am reminded that Christ Jesus died for our sins, he sacrificed everything for me to be free from the sin that holds me down so why must I worry about it any further if he has forgiven me.  I have asked all and sundry for forgiveness, some have forgiven me other have chosen to ignore me and carry on with their live, its each to their own.

So in closing with my rant for today, be who you are, embrace what you did wrong, help you children where you can and be a freaken good adult  while you are trying to figure out this adult life of ours.

Knowing your way

Direction, the mere thought of it makes me hyperventilate and get sweaty palms.  My sense of direction sucks and if I get put on the spot I forget my left and my right. Its rather amusing and terrifying at the same time. Lately I have had a lot of first world problems, data finished, airtime ran out, internet connection has been capped at work, the joys!! So my posts are few and far between now but hey I managed to find a gap to write something at least.  I have been rather hectic, my life has just been a series of fortunate events.  I had all my girls with me this weekend and they have a way of syphoning the last bit of life out of you, not in a bad way but geez they keep me on my toes.  I went to go sit down with the youngest while feeding her and closed my eyes for 5 minutes, well an hour later my mom managed to sneak in and take a photo and make sure we were still alive.  And to be brutally honest, I wouldn’t want it any other way, they keep me young.  The most fun is chasing after them when they want you to catch them, their laughter is addictive, it’s the best for a lonely heart.

I think all of us plan our paths ahead of life and then God throws a curve ball into the mix and you kind of have to go through that detour and finally end up where you are supposed to be, well that is exactly what happened to me.  I thought I knew my way, the “knowing your way” type of gal, did I get a surprise.  I realized that there are more things that need to be sorted out in my life than just the minimal effort I have put in.  I understand now why I have gone through the things I have gone in my life.  My marriage was an unhealthy relationship formed on codependency for my own insecurities, I have a lot of insecurities I need to work through on my detached relationship with my father and also I need to focus on my coping styles.  I somehow do not see my bad behavior as doing something wrong, I always try and validate them but to be honest, I need to put an end to my social smoking, social drinking, overeating food fetish and sort out my headaches.  Yes I have nerve damage from my bout of meningitis that had me in hospital for a month but I can rise above that.  All of this made me realise that a sick person cannot have a healthy relationship, that is a recipe for disaster because the sickness will eventually consume the other persons health.  So now more than ever I admitted to myself that I have to stay sober and by sober I mean “single” and I have been sober for 7 months now, 7 months after a 8 year relationship/marriage and a short lived 7 month relationship.  I really don’t think being single is the worst thing in the whole world, being lonely is but that’s a choice you make.  You either surround yourself with the people you love and want to spend time with or you become a recluse and live a lonely life which to me is rather depressing.  I suffer from depression so imagine having to sit by myself as a recluse.  That would be a really interesting party.

My time will come, I will eventually find my happiness but in the meantime I am using all my extra time to my advantage.  I am building an amazing relationship with my aunt and uncles, I have the most awesome relationship with my gran even through she is 44 years older than me, we just click on such an amazing level.  I have established and placed a stronger foundation for a relationship with my mother and my stepdad (once again confirming that genetics have nothing to do with unconditional love) and forming stronger more stable bonds with the right people to work on lasting friendships.  I also am realizing when to be sensitive and when I a must just take things for face value.  So the way I am going might not have been the way I have planned on going but its getting me where I need to be, a better me.

Chantelle 2.0 in the making!! 

I am an addict

A relationship addict to be correct.  I have a terrible way of being a codependent person who is deeply unhealthy emotionally and somehow I look for another tortured soul to attach myself to and somehow fix their problem and mine at the same time.  I also have a horrible way of pointing out another persons’ faults to hide my own.  Ain’t I just the nicest person you know (insert sarcastic voice).

I always seem to spot the guy that will be out of my league and I avoid him completely because he will be the one to break my heart and use my vulnerability as a weakness.  But apparently that is my unhealthy emotions pointing out a healthy person who I will not be able to break and manipulate.  I also start every relationship thinking “this will be the one” which is an addictive persons personality.  So where did I suddenly get this brain fart? “When you love too much – Stephen Arterburn”.  It is almost as if the whole book was written with me in mind.  Somehow this whole situation I have been in for over 7 months makes a whole lot of sense.  There were days I couldn’t even come to terms with how bad my life has turned out and what a big mess I was sitting in and just because my addition wasn’t alcohol or drug based, I didn’t see it as a problem.  Thank the Lord for opening my eyes, guiding me to the right place and people in order to start my healing.

I made a promise to myself to stay single for a year yet I have tried every opportunity to avoid just that not realizing that I need to actually take this time and put my armour on, pick up my sword and walk out to battle the demons that have clinged to me my whole life.  I have a lot of issues but my main one, I think, stems from my severely fragile relationship with both my parents.  I don’t blame them for my decisions I however blame myself for not sorting out my issues before taking on a relationship.  I keep dragging the old things into new relationships and wonder why they go 50 shades of grey and never work out.  I had been warned on multiple occasions by a lot of people to first try and sort things out before taking on more and messing it up for myself and I think by now you can gather I surely did not follow any of their advice.

At least it happened while I’m still young (30 is still young) and I must admit that I’ve been having these little episodes of hyperventilation every so often when I think of turning 30, it almost feels like I am running out of time or something, almost as if my life is not really going to be that long and now is my prime time to meet someone yet I think that’s more a push from the wrong side of my brain that does not want to let go of the old habits.  See its much harder to actually make an effort to change, its much more convenient to stay stagnant where you are but making the same mistakes over and over again really becomes tiresome. 

All in his time,  I can say with a sincere heart that where I am is where I am supposed to be.  Yes it took a lot of guts and sometimes I just go with something because having to sit and decide about going into a certain direction might just scare me out of it completely so I just go with it.  I also felt an increasing need to give my life over to God, he takes the reigns and we run as leader and learner rather than me as the master and he as my slave. 

I always feel I’d rather add to my personality than stay in the same stagnant place I’ve always been, also the biggest step a person can take it to admit you have a problem.  So here goes…

Hi, my name is Chantelle and I am addicted to codependency in a relationship.

From here I can only become healthy and by sharing this I might motivate another person to get themselves healthy and happy too.  All to live a healthy life with fulfilling relationships with all the important people in our lives.

I'm pink and you are orange

Colour. It can paint the most beautifully vivid picture evoking all sorts of emotions. There is a multitude of colour surrounding our everyday life and we all have our favorite. Yet in the times we live in today colour is what causes a divide. You attitude, self entitlement and disrespect make you a horrible human being not the colour of your skin. I have friends, not many but they are all sorts of colours of the rainbow. My best friend is turquoise, it suits her calm, soft and ethereal being. My soul sister is pink, everybody loves pink, fun and makes you feel good. My friend from church is yellow, stable, strong and steadfast in her religion. My new friends are all purple, outgoing and bold, not your everyday colour. I am grey, my happy and safe colour, it grounds me, makes me feel clean and holy.

You see when you think of colour in a different context, it starts making life a little bit more interesting. One must also lead by example.  I was not raised to accept a different person and yet if we close our eyes, listen to our hearts, they all beat the same.  My children are raised to love another person regardless of their background, social standing or living standards, a friend is a friend. I love my friends, I share meals with my friends, I love their cultures and learning more about it.  And at the end of the day, my friends are there for me when I need them.

Your sexual orientation should also not be factor, I accept people regardless of what and who and how they choose to be in this life. To fight day in and day out for acceptance is not a way to live a life and most of these couples are happier than most straight couples. I genuinely enjoy the era of diversity that I am growing up in, yes still growing and still learning but enjoying and embracing.  My heart loves you with a blind eyed love, if you have a pure heart and you make the most of your time on earth worth living and not hating, you are one hell of a person and just fine by me.

I enjoy seeing my children interact with all their rainbow friends and learning from them and embracing the need for human contact and acceptance.  We can all learn from our children, they indeed will be the voices of our future. Make sure you raise them to be worth listening to.

Your heart determines your character not your colour or sexual orientation.

Love thy neighbour as you love yourself.

Because I'm HAPPY

I am happy, yes, Little Miss Sunshine!!! How else to explain what awesome few days I’ve had. First I experienced God’s presence, received more messages that ever during the week with the scripture that was pointed out to me.  Secondly, I started de-cluttering my life, getting rid of all the negativity and bad things I have hoarded over the years, such as astrology books, fictional novels, CD’s from specific artists and paraphernalia which I no longer need.  I wanted to sell all this stuff but then I was told to instead throw it away because if I sell these things I only give those influential things to someone else.  I cannot explain the relief from getting rid of those things, it was as if a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I no longer feel the need to hold onto these negative things. And third and final, the message at church yesterday “Negative thoughts are not from God, they are meant to harm and break you down”.  Now that moves the goal post. 

Saturday I met up with an extraordinary lady who was more than open and willing to share her struggle and how she built herself up again.  She was such a motivation to me.  She also had 3 small children, went through the same experiences as I am going through, hers only a very long time ago and yet there she sat in front of me a warrior – this woman overcame the odds, she took a stand and made the changes that are needed to begin healing and focus on how to live a selfless life.  She is my inspiration, she is my motivation.  So many people told me “you have 3 children, who is going to want a woman with 3 children and that’s in your situation” – well someone loves her with her 3 children and she is not only a mother to 3 but to 2 extra blessed souls, she found love against all odd.  How did she do that?  She changed her focus and now she is helping people like me to overcome my obstacles in life.  She may not have known it at the time but she became her own success story and today she is helping me, so her struggle was definitely not in vain.  While talking to her I received so many messages, this is my time, now I need to make the changes, now I need to change my focus or I will make the same mistakes over and over again, mistakes I cant afford to make a second or even a third time again.

What I realized is the hold the devil has on a person, for every moment of good I experienced last week he threw 3 more bad on my path, bad that completely took my focus off of the good that was happening around me and yet I just decided, no more, I will not let the bad affect me.  I will not let peoples actions affect me, their actions might have nothing to do with me, I will not let people break b=me down, no their words are for their own gain, not mine and I will work/play/experience and spend every day as my last.  I cant afford to carry more negativity.  So today I noticed things that could make me upset and I chose to let them just be that, things I noticed, I did not internalize it or worried about it. I decided to be happy, just happy.  I fasted endlessly for things that I wanted but did not realise that I needed to fast for my relationship with God, begin with him first and then from there what will be his will, will be.

So no more hunting for a husband, going down the rabbits hole or breaking myself down for what I lack, I don’t lack anything.  I have successfully survived for 30 years, I have pushed past any suicidal thoughts, I did not give in to peoples expectations, I rebelliously followed my own path and stupidly learned my lessons from it.  And today, 29 years and 7 months young I am learning my biggest lesson, this is your one and only life, choose wisely.  If you want to be Hindu, Atheist, Muslin, Catholic, Jewish or Christian – make sure you do it out of the right choices, don’t conform to what you think you understand or to what you were subjected too, hell I was asked to leave a church, did that change my thoughts on my religion, no it didn’t, in fact it made me crave the truth even more.  Do it out of what is right, not what fits into a box and don’t discriminate against another’s choice, you don’t understand their journey, the Lord is my Sheppard,  he will come look for you, you can hide behind any religion but he will find you in that turning point in your life and you will be found and be herded back to your flock.

Don’t let a situation, feeling, though, circumstance determine your outlook, let is teach you.  Feel the feeling and grow from it, don’t go from it.  Begin to find the positive in everything you do.  Yes the darkness is appealing and it comes with a bed of roses but it will leave you just as quickly as it walked into your life, the light attracts more, shows you more and makes you bury the past and life for another day.  So go ahead, be happy, focus on the good and do good.  Be the change the world needs.

“The good Lord gave you a body that can stand almost anything.  It’s your mind you have to convince.”  Vince Lombardi 

Sensitive me, sensitive you...

I am very sensitive, I have a very big heart and its carried on my sleeve.  You look at me funny and I want to die a silent death.  I tend to make it all about myself, I internalize it and carry all the added baggage with me when frankly it shouldn’t be that way.  It not all about me all the time.  But why do I make it about me??

I think we all have our insecurities, we have all been exposed to some kind of bullying, gossiping or verbal abuse in our lives that when we get a little prick on that nerve it erupts on a whole other level.  For me it’s about the why’s, the how’s, the what if’s.  I don’t always understand a situation and why it is sprung on me unexpectedly.  I know I was in a similar situation before and I somehow managed to run away from it, now 3 years later I’m in the same situation and I decided to go through it, deal with it and heal from it.  Feel all the emotions, experience the fact that people can let you down and that the saying of “a leopard might change its spots but not its colours” is very true.  I always believe people to be better than they really are and somehow I am always let down.  Maybe I do that to others too, maybe I am held up in high esteem and somehow break someone’s confidence of me. 

There is a learning curve from all of this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  We are seldom very open to all the negativity in life and we invite it in and play house with it, it drains out all the positive and at the end of it all we sit and wonder why we are so stressed and so unhappy.  There needs to be a healthy balance of, yes I notice the negative, yes I see whats going on and yet I choose not to have it affect me.  I will allow it 5 minutes of my time and then I will carry on being the happy person I was before.  The people or situations that we are sometimes thrown into, we don’t choose them, hell if we had a choice we’d avoid them completely but we cant, they will keep coming back until we deal with it, until we grow stronger from it.  Also on another note, one must always remember that the people and situation can be controlled, they want you to feel crappy, they want you to suffer and feel upset but you can control how you feel and react to it, if you show others that it does not hurt or affect you, you are taking away their power.  Above all else, guard your heart.  Protect that big heart, pumping not only blood but love all around.  Its your heart and at the end of it all, you feel the most of what you are feeling, no one else.  Keep on keeping on, just walk past the leopard and smile your biggest most gorgeous smile, just don’t allow yourself to feel.

We all have a purpose on this earth at the end of the day, if you can make someone’s life a little bit better by maybe including them in something, giving them a lift or helping in a way they would never ask you before then you are already being the better person.  I decide every day to be better than I was the day before and try my best to make people feel good about themselves and their situation, other people don’t see it that way, they would rather hurt and not consider others.  God wants us to be loving and treat others as equals.  He will never ostracize someone, or make them feel alienated or thrown away.  We must try and live the same way, do what is best and work towards bettering ourselves in order to grow as individuals and spiritually too.

So no I wont let them get me down, I wont let them hurt me, break my heart and alienate me.  Its not about me, its about them and their unresolved issues with life.  I am going to pull up my big girl panties, learn to grow a thick skin and life a positive happy life while trying to figure all the life lessons out along the way.

Ps. You, the person who just finished reading this, you are awesome, don’t ever forget that. 

Functioning on autopilot

If I close my eyes for longer than 2 minutes I will fall asleep at my desk.  I am having this tug of war raging inside me to keep my eyes open, I think I want to go look for 2 match sticks and place them on my eyelids.  I am so exhausted.  I think I’m coming down with the flu, just normal flu nothing like the type the guys get and with it comes a sore body, you’d think that 10 super ninja’s kicked the living daylights out of me last night while sleeping.  The one thing I forgot to mention yesterday was that I accidentally swallowed 2 painkillers together and they logged vertically in my throat, panicked and freaked out, I could breathe but I could not get them to go down.  So there I go racing to the doctors, keeping in mind that I do not have a medical aid at the moment and don’t even know where to go if you not covered, I took a chance and went to private doctors.  I was helped immediately and the two tablets eventually went down.

From the traumatic turn of events in swallowing the tablets, my throat has been so sore and with the post nasal drip and sore body you can just imagine I am a ball of fun today.  My little person also decided that she’s going to keep her mommy up and ask for boob every 2 hours and chill after that which has me feeling like a zombie today.  This adult business needs to be discussed with us beforehand, before conception.  The good Lord’s angels need to sit us down and explain to us exactly what we are walking into, how hard its going to be and just how much drama you’ll have to face when you start becoming a functional adult.  To tell you the truth, if that was the case then there wouldn’t be any people on earth probably.  I suck at being an adult.  I make constant bad decisions, say inappropriate things and am sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I have had both sides of the spectrum when it comes to raising these little terrorists.  I still think being human is one of the funniest things and to throw being in love in there makes for it to be on a whole other level.  Here are two people who love each other so much that they think the next best thing is to create life, yes that will complete us, throw a little human into the mix.  After having my first child I became very upset with my mother, why did she never prepare me for this, you think its like it is on the tv, they sleep, you sleep, they are little angels that grow up to become functional adults but no, that is as far from the true as anything else.  I have never had such little sleep in my life, if you’d say that I slept for 8 hours (which I try get in every night, I’m strict like that and don’t mess with my 8 hours) every night from the age of 20 until I had my first child at 24, it would work out to a higher total number yet is you calculate the amount of sleep from 24 up until now (almost 30) it would probably be half.  Look don’t get me wrong, I love my children, once you sacrifice your sanity, sleep and dignity to have then no love will ever come close to it.  Yet these little terrors can drive you insane. 

You quickly learn to become skilled at negotiating, hiding your chocolate and finally giving up having any privacy to yourself.  I don’t think I’ve gone a day without some audience in the bathroom, worst of all is that everything gets announced as soon as it happens and mostly when there is dead silence with other people in the bathroom.  Not only that, you have to teach your children not to say someone is fat in front of them or point because we need to teach our children to know better but yet that does not happen until the day it gets pointed out by your toddler in the shop and you don’t know whether to act as if you didn’t hear it or reprimand you very informative child in front of this individual.  They also have a knack at telling you the most hurtful things when they don’t get their way, “I don’t like you anymore mommy” “I hate you” “I want to go back to daddy’s house”, all of those are cleverly thought of ploys of manipulation and what these little girls don’t understand is that their mother is a master manipulator so its really like water off of a ducks back because now now they will run outside and stub their toe and all will be forgiven and they’ll want their mommy again.

Even while sitting here and I look at the mountain of work I need to get through, the soreness of my body, the lack of sleep and the fact that I am a functioning autopilot, I too will get home tonight and when I walk through that door I will get the biggest smile and “where have you been” look on my little persons face and all will be forgiven.

And the process starts again…. J

My world downside up

When things happen in my life, they tend to go overboard and beyond.  I have properly gone from one extreme on the emotional radar to the other.  Feelings of total elation and complete despair. The last 24 hours have been rather interesting and yet I would never want it back again. Except for one part and one part only but let me relive my 24 hours quickly….

The to be continued part on taking a chance bombed out, completely exploded in my face.  Sometimes we expect other people to feel the same as we feel and yet when they don’t it comes as a complete shock to our system however if you you think about this logically…

1.      This guy did not know I felt this way.

2.      He will probably do the guy code thing about bro’s before proper decent ladies not ho’s, I aint that.

3.      He is also still healing from his heartache.

I am very good at giving advice but not taking my own.  I literally went from asking advice from friends to wanting to take matters into my own hands and become a serious psycho, thank goodness I didn’t because I would have seriously regretted it.  To close this chapter would probably be my best bet at the moment.  I am honestly desperate for love and attention but not from someone who does not see my worth at the end of the day.

Fast forward to church last night, I took my little person with me.  She is starting to get used to being taking everywhere with her mommy and it was literally pass the parcel with her last night.  I have one amazing group of friends at Alpha and they have been so welcoming and accepting towards me and my colorful past with little madam in tow.  To get to my point, while sitting and listening to the seminar I was called aside due to Hollee being a bit of a madam, so off I go and fetch her, latch her onto the boob and walked outside to watch the rest of the seminar on the screens so not to disrupt anyone else.  While I was rocking her highness and listening to Amy Orr-Ewing talking about how to read the Bible something happened that has never happened before, I experienced the presents of God and the Holy Spirit.   For the last year and a half I have been asking him why he has forsaken me, why has be thrown me away and last night I got my answer, not the one I wanted for why the crap is happening in my life but the answer to why me and he simply came to me through Romans 8 verse 1 through to 38, he loves me and no matter what my past looks like its forgotten and forgiven.  To explain the physical side of it, my hearing became zoned in on what Aimee was saying, I felt this presence around me and a warmth filled me and I felt so happy (promise it wasn’t a hot flush) and content.  It was truly the best feeling before giving birth to my 3 girls in my whole life. 

And yet the devil is such a party pooper, I can never have a good day without him waiting to spoil my fun.  Lets just set the record straight before carrying on, I wanted my divorce so everything after that should not affect me but the unprepared for emotional onslaught of seeing others living their happily ever after while you struggling to make it through kind of sets you back to reset.  Just when you’ve reached 90% of healing and happiness the carpet gets ripped from underneath you, all your hard work and progress starts again, from scratch, again!! The only time I am genuinely happy is when I get home to my little person who welcomes me with the biggest of smiles and when I am at church.  I have to constantly fend off soul sucking vampires during the day and seeing pinky and the brain happily ever after.

So to say that I went from total elation to total dumbstruck rock bottom is well and in fact an understatement.  Yet I realize now that my focus should be on what I wanted, to hear from God and be happy that he is all I need in times life these.  Life has just been a little downside up for me…

This chapter will not be “to be continued” (holding my four leave clover, rabbits foot and wishing on a star)

Just go for it

Just go for it......

...................................Just got for it!! It’s my thoughts to most things in life. When I think too much about it I start doubting everything so what do I do, I convince myself “you only live once Chantelle”.  I have had a crush, a silly little crush on someone for a long time but never did anything about it…. Until this morning, yes this morning, at 3:24am I couldn’t shut my mind off to just get some sleep in and gathered all my courage, which I must admit at that time of the morning its kind of a do or die situation, and I messaged him.  I told him straight up and fell asleep again.

So naturally once you take a leap of faith like that you become obsessive compulsive and check your phone like an idiot every 15mins, “has he read it”, “Oh gosh he probably thinks I’m psycho” “please respond, please respond”.  Then you get on with your morning because you know, life, it carries on.  All my troops in the car and off we go to do the second morning of school run and its not a great morning, I have a whining 5 year old, complaining about everything under the sun and so she starts irritating her sister, who was in a much better mood.  Half way to school and all 3 of us are in a bad mood plus I have my 3 year old shouting like a backseat driver at me “go mommy” in stand still traffic.  Finally we get to school and as I run out of the grounds towards my car, I hop in with the speed of light and off we go to  the last stop and there he is, the guy, walking across the road.  I look away “don’t see me don’t see me”  I say in my head and he is busy talking on his phone, rushing just as I was rushing, he doesn’t notice me. 

I get down the road and he replies with a very courteous response, I’m confused.  Surely if I told you how I felt and fancied you I can get a bit more of a reply, so I tell him I saw him, he responds with a short message and that’s it.  Its been “it” for the last 8 hours.  I can face-palm myself the rest of the day.  I can also message him and look like a complete idiot or I can see it for what it is, I went for it, put it out there in the universe and leave it.  If he pursues it, great even fantastic, if he doesn’t then its not a loss completely.  Nothing venture nothing gained, I ventured, put myself out there and I gained strength from saying how I felt to someone.  I have not been rejected completely nor have I been told anything to believe he’s not interested.  So I tell myself, if its God’s will it will happen, if its not then it wont and I’ll carry this little crush with me for the fun of it.

I think I’m learning to have more guts than I used to have, I am enjoying being at the edge of my seat and every so often I need to do something to spice up my rather mundane, normalish, parental life.

So this is a chapter that may just be “to be continued”….