Being a single mom is hard, there are no “time-outs”, there
are no “hold the baby while I quickly disappear for 5 minutes”, there is no
extra pair of hands. It’s hard, no sugar
coating it, it’s the hardest job I have ever had to do in my whole life. I would rather go to work every day of the
week and do cold calling until I am blue in my face because I am not built for
being a full time mom. I commend the
full time moms, you have the patience of a saint.
I had a mommy meltdown, yes I sad on the floor and just
cried, I cried for accepting that I did this to myself, I chose this life, I
chose to do it alone. I have a baby fast
asleep in bed, my eldest as good as gold and my middle child literally turning
into a little devil. So many nights I
sit and fantasize about how it would actually feel to just have day for me, a
day where I wake up on my own time, chill in bed, maybe read a book or two and
just simply be, but alas that will never happen. “Why?” you ask, its simple, its not JUST
about me anymore, during that day of luxury I will keep on worrying about my
children in the back of my mind, feel guilty for spending the day by myself and
not with them and question myself 10 times over whether I am doing the right
thing for myself or not.
I am sitting in bed typing away while I listen to my middle
child wailing away for goodness knows what, my eldest trying to sleep and I am
doing my best to ignore her. I sometimes
don’t understand why we do this to ourselves, like who’s clever idea was it to
love someone so much that you want to create another life together?? There
should be a warning manual given out before marriage and a 5 day crash course
where they play barney all day on tv and a cd of a crying child on repeat, you
know, to ease you into it. I really feel
like such a bad mother most days, I carry on walking when one is wailing at my
feet for something and I give people the “what are you looking at stare” and
some days I walk out of a shop after announcing that I am leaving, whether they
follow or not and most times they come screaming after me because I “forgot”
about them. Yeah right, like I would
intentionally choose to forget you.
There were days that I worried that I’d turn out like my
parents, not that they did a bad job, hey I am unique and it took a damn tough
person to raise me. Kudos to my mom and
my ever patient other dad for sticking it out with me. The thing is, I am not my parents, our
circumstances are way different then what I am in now and one thing I never for
one moment doubted was that they loved me.
I mean, take today. I have been a
very self-centered, selfish, undoubtedly miserable, stubborn and hardheaded
child you could possibly find on the face of the earth and yet today my mom and
dad stop at my new home and drop off a brand spanking new fridge for me. Not once did I ask for it, I don’t even think
I deserve it to be honest but one things I will never ever question, is their
love for me. I took me by complete
surprise and I have never been so grateful to receive a proper working fridge
in my life.
Its not always about the big things, its about my eldest
child coming to sit in my lap and pat me on the back while I cry because my
middle child hit me in the face and it was actually really sore, its about
kissing the monster good night and hugging her while she tells me “sorry mommy
for hitting you in the face with my angry bird”, its about finally climbing
into bed and having a little 10 month old wiggling herself closer to me just to
make our co-sleeping that more worth it.
At the end of the day, they are what makes you, you and the
love for them will last a lifetime.
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