Renew yourself - Today is a new day

I wanted to write about yesterday but then I realized or I had more of a brain fart from about 4 months ago.  I believed I was a non-influential christian, I thought I had it covered, I believed that I have been living a clean and pure life just because of the promises I made to the Lord............... And theeeeeeen it hit me, like an unexpected fart in a hallway.  Not only have I turned my back on the Lord, I have actually been a very very very bad and unchristian like christian.  How did it happen?  I will tell you exactly how it happened, I will list them all:

I let people influence me

I wanted to fit in with the crowd

I thought it would only be a one time thing

In order to be part of a conversation I had to start swearing like a sailor again

I did stuff even when my gut told me not too

I hurt and neglected my friends at church 

And lastly

I stopped going to church all together

This morning I decided to read an online article about faith.  You see yesterday was terrible.  My focus should have been on how to ultimately end this month off on a high like I had last month and as much as I am holding thumbs for a miracle today, I know my focus was elsewhere.  There is this thing called "life" that happened, it happened in a variety of ways and I let myself be influence.   Where my focus was supposed to be on how to live a Godly life, I was focused on what people were doing, what people were saying, what I was missing out on and mostly questioning my worth when I should've been focusing on God.

The biggest hypocrites make the most noise.  I have been one.  Just because I became one doesnt mean I have to stay there, NO and I decided that today my success depends on God and myself.  In order to want the love and happiness paired with success and financial freedom, I need to turn my focus and first seek God above all else and then move towards becoming a better me.

Today is a new day, I took some inserts from an article as I feel almost like I've been spoken to by him through his word:

"If we’re going to live in love, we have to learn to forgive one another. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, but instead, forgive. And above all things, put on love.”1 That means: Above having your own way, above your own agenda, choose to put on love."

"The apostle Paul prayed in Ephesians 3:17 that we would be “rooted and established in love so that we would have power together with all the saints.” When we choose to walk in love, we have the power of God in our lives, as well as healthier relationships."

A divided house will always fall.  Just because I dont like how people act should it frustrate me or influence how I feel,  I should rather focus my energy on me and choose not to see what others are doing.  Yesterday a doctor told me that if I dont like something in others people, its normally because it is something in me that I also struggle to accept.

I am so infatuated with others and what they are doing wrong that I completely missed the point, I need to fix my broken parts, accept myself, find my worth through God and above all else, lead by example.

He knows my hearts desires, he has taken me out of a very dark place and made me clean and new, now I need to go and clean up where the dirt has settled and start hanging out the clean laundry.

If you are reading this and I have hurt you in any way, I ask your forgiveness and promise to work on being a better friend, family member and christian regardless.

xoxo

Value adds

Yesterday was heavy on my heart, things didn’t go as I planned, it wasn’t working in my favor.  I feel like the black sheep of the family.  In the last 10 days I have experienced quite a fair amount of different emotions.  These emotions have contributed towards growth, understanding and above all else to trust your gut and be humble.

For the first time in my life I experienced what it felt like to lose something I put my blood,sweat and at the end my tears in when it came to my professional life,  it was an unpleasant and very hard pill to swallow but nonetheless, the lesson was learned and I gained knowledge from it.  I also opened myself up to a possible personal experience, one that was my first in a year and felt heart first into the situation when I should have been a bit more cautious.  I put my chips on the table and believed (stupidly) that it was right, even to go as far as to say “meant to be”.  So fast forward to today and I am back at square one, semi or partially hurt heart but wiser mindset.

I am however left in awe of a feeling I can’t quite place yet.  A friend suggested a person and did the initial ground work, which was in her defense rather sweet,  though the situation has left me contemplating the male species and if nature plays more of a part in this process of finding a mate.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the response – “ he is not interested in a woman with kids and that has been married before, sorry friend”.   Wow, that’s all my mind could process.  I left it and for some reason its been weighing on my mind.  I am by no means questioning my worth but I am going to put this out there, its debatable but its how I feel:

When I got married the first time (I say it like that because there will be a second time which I trust in God will be my last) to my ex-husband, it felt right, it may have been more of a Mr. Right now for that specific stage in my life but I believed that.  I have had the privilege to create human life, carry another beating heart and a little soul in my body, protected and nurtured inside my womb and successfully gave birth to three precious little girls.  I praise God everyday for them and that he did not let me suffer a loss in a way that a lot of other women are challenged with.  I feel that God healed and glued my broken pieces together the day I became a mother and I will always be grateful for that.  In the end and I say end because we separated and divorced, my Mr. Right was there for that time in my life.  The fortunate and most blessed part of it all is the fact that we are one big blended family now, we were mature enough to realise we are raising the future and to know that in the end the little people matter and should be allowed to enjoy their childhood and not recover from it.

So in saying all of the above I guess there are two ways of looking at it, I can either judge the poor bloke for making his decision based on the information he has about me and respect (which I am doing) his point of view or I can look at as choice of understanding, I have been through life, and I am realistic about my expectation, I know what I want and what I wont settle for.  I am a strong, unbreakable woman of substance, I earn my own income and sustain myself (sometimes by means of family) and am happy.  I do not require to be “saved” or feel someone needs to “complete” me, so it would have to take a very strong individual to accept but mostly appreciate what I have accomplished and been through.

Coming back to the nature part, the female species (in the animal kingdom as well as the human) are more inclined to accept offspring that they did not physically gave birth to and I always believe in these two statements:

“Mothers are born either by nature or nurture and not defined by the way a child entered the world”

“A mothers heart is like a taxi, there is always room for one more”

Male species on the other hand are wired completely different, it’s a catch 22 situation, some fathers are born the day their children are born and some are raised by the best of the best fathers and accept others offspring as their own.  In the end its about the value they bring to that child’s life or they see the need to step up to the plate where the other male counterpart neglected his duties as a father.

My ex-husband has the most amazing fiancé who not only accepted his situation but become a second mother to my children, not step no, other mother.  She became a mother by nurture.  My non-biological dad loved my mother so much he did what no sane man would ever do, accepted her 16 year old (hormonal | going through puberty | destructive and rebellious) daughter and has been there for me the last 14 years of my life.  He has no biological children of his own yet he refers to me as his child and absolutely adores my children and they are besotted with their Oupa.

Ok so there, got it off my chest.  I believe I am one hell of a catch for the right man and I don’t have baggage, I have value adds :-)

xoxo

Run away with me...

I am crazy, mental some days, out of my mind but that’s me, I have come to accept myself as I am, craziness and all.  I do however make mistakes, some I cannot take back and some I am happy I made for the life lesson I learned from it.

The difficult thing about me is that I life with my heart on my sleeve, I am either all in or nothing at all.  There are no grey areas in my life.  Its been that way with everything I have ever taken on.  If I think of how I do business then I kind of realise how I would be in my personal life too.  When I want something I go all out to get it, I don’t always care of what is in my way or how it impacts others, I have a goal in mind and need to achieve the impossible.

Recently there have been a lot of successful love stories posted on social media and me being a complete romantic, I always read it and wish I could be in their shoes.  I am fully aware of the fact that only “fools rush in” BUT and yes it’s a very big BBBBBBUUUUUUTTTTT why not?  Who made the rules? Think about it, in life we do things based on how others tell us to do things and yet when I decided to go against what was deemed “normal” and become friends with my ex-husband and his future wife, it turned out to be a success.  There are no manuals, no written rules, just what we guard ourselves against and what we hide from. 

A dear friend of mine recently got married at the spur of the moment, they met 6 months ago in a foreign country, fell in love, waited for marriage before they were intimate and wanted to so badly live happily ever after that they ran off to City Hall in New York and just did what they wanted to do.  I almost feel like I sometimes live in the wrong era, I should’ve lived in the 60’s or something.

One thing that I can be sure of is that I will not stop praying and believing that God has someone special in mind for me, someone who will accept me for all my craziness and just want to have me around forever.

Fairytales happen everyday, they are there not just for little girls but for woman who still hold the dream in their hearts that Prince Charming is on his way, he may not have a white horse or stay in a castle, gosh he doesn’t even have to be a prince, he just needs to fight the dragon and win the heart of the princess.

One day we will run off and live happily ever after....

In or out of my Shell

By no means do I ever claim to be better than others, I have in fact noticed that I have taken a rather different path than what I planned on in the beginning.  I've been and probably am still making a lot of mistakes that I should probably not be making. And then again tomorrow rears it head and you realize that it's a brand new day to start fresh.... Again.

I have been wanting to loose 5kg which turned into 7kgs due to just overindulging, I've wanted to become more active,stop swearing so much, stick to my plans and just become successful, the only thing standing in my way is me.  A friend of mine said that once you announce something bad about yourself you cast that doubt over your life.  There are aspects where I feel like I have changed and it's been for the better now I need to finish the tasks I have set out for myself.

I truly believe that we sometimes need to go back to our inner roots to establish where we need to move forward from.  I need to start doing a daily planner to structure my life, it's as simple as that.  Then you have your personality, this is formed in your pre-teens, pre-messed up and really neither here nor there 20somethimg years.  Just because you have done a major life change by moving out, getting married, having kids or whatever doesn't mean you have to lose you.

I will probably always have the little bad girl inside me, not the type that gets you in trouble but the type of girl that loves tattoos, gothic clothes, prefers not to wear bright clothes, loves rock and punk music, wears her heart on her sleeve, can go a week wearing black without someone having to die, rock out with music vibrating from my car on my way to work and singing my heart out.  The fact is we have to have balance and make a choice of character.  For instance, at work I prefer looking professional and classy, as soon as I get home I am in my pj's and can stay that way the whole weekend. During the weekends and off days I could probably make more of an effort but why should I? I'm comfortable and look homeless most day but I'm happy.

So I know I've been going on about wanting to meet someone and moving forward in my life but geez Louise, it's hard.  Firstly, I don't know where they hide half of the potentials, I'm NOT going to start hanging out at my local pub (probably wouldn't even know where it is either) and then you have to start the whole process of getting to know someone, try fit the into your life, make room for them and then you suddenly realize maybe it's all too much too soon.  I'm not unhappy being single, not for one moment, I'm not lonely, my children, family and friends make up for that and then it's work functions and and and..... Also I am not a serial dater or like to speak to 10 guys at the same time, I firmly believe in doing to others what you want done to yourself.

All in all its been a process, one of chance, back to the original plan from a few months ago, start living the life I put down on my vision board and start somewhere, focus and become the person I dream to be and hopefully meet the person I'm dreaming of too.

So it's a question of being in my shell or actually moving out and becoming uncomfortable, taking that step and growing a pair and meet people anywhere anything, talking, networking, focusing and becoming the best version of myself....

Xoxo