You are not better than me

Fairly recently I have hit a curve in the road, yet I don’t quite know if it’s due to my own doing or if it is the pressure from individuals to purposely seek and find my errors, almost as if a missile has zoned in on me and its chasing me down with no desire to stop.

If you are reading this and you are one of the people I am going to describe, please stop your horrible behavior, it really a pain in the back side and what do you possibly get out of making others’ lives miserable?  Really you suck and its sucky to make others hate going about their daily lives, trying to hold a job, provide for a family and still enjoy what time they have to spend with you and others during the day.

I am not and I will say it in capital letters NOT this kind of person, it is beyond my capability of pure understanding why people choose to react and treat others this way, you are not Holler than thou, your farts don’t smell like roses and please the sun does not shine when you walk around and sets when you sit down, no, you are like me, a human being and you are making others unhappy.  You are a grown up bully!! When you purposely go out of your way to discuss a person, whether it is their dress sense, their car they drive, the area they live in or the way they look, then you are a mean person who needs to take a step back and think just what you are saying about that person.  Look at them and figure out for yourself, God gave you a brain, that person is struggling to keep head above water but plants that smile on their faces to make you believe all is ok, that person eats bread day in and day out but carries on like they have a 5 star dinner like you every night, that person sits their evening through consoling a baby/child who is sick or in pain and functions on minimal sleep, so excuse me if these people aren’t up to your standards, we are simply trying NOT to fail at life.  Some of us did not have the privilege to study straight after school and could finish our studies while we were single and carefree, no, we have to do it with our husband helping keep small children entertainer and have us not feel like we are missing out on some of the best years of our children’s lives to provide for them.  Or even not have our children live with us because the quality of life is better with their other aren’t and we trying to fight a battle to be able to be in a position to provide that one day.

So when you make a colleagues life at work hell, when you gossip because her hair has not been colored in forever and she looks horrible, when his car doesn’t start in the parking lot because he cant afford a battery at the moment and needs to be push started or when the person cant join in your weekly lunch because they would rather use the excuse of being busy then to tell you they have R50 left until pay day, maybe then sit back or take a step back and re-evalutate your situation and shut your big mouth before making someone else feel worse than they already feel.

My advice is to rather empower, inspire, help, motivate and understand that we all have our problem but please don’t contribute to them.  Make someone’s day rather than break them.

Peace and love people, peace and love

Trust - Hope - Love - Appreciate

Yesterday I woke up feeling tired, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Today I decided that I’ve had enough.  Yes it enough now, I totally give it up.  Mountain on my shoulders have been placed firmly on the floor, I am over it.  The more I read, the more I am receiving messages of “the closer you are to your breakthrough, the harder the enemy fights to keep you down”.  Well I am done bending over of the enemy to push me further to the ground, now the only time I will be down on the ground is on my knees to pray.

My helper told me what her pastor had to tell me, wake up at 4am every morning for 7 days and pray, read any piece in the Bible that you are given at the time and pray, pray, pray and go back to bed.  I have never done that before and at the moment it’s going to be hard because I have an 8 month old who is currently teething and is keeping me up more than I like, I feel like a mombie (mom zombie) but when I think of how much God and Jesus scarified for me, I kind of feel embarrassed that I can’t simply commit myself to that, so starting tomorrow morning, its praying like my life depends on it.

I want happiness, I want to be able to move closer to my children, I want to be happy in my job and one day when the time is right, I want to find love.  My goal list is not big, it’s simple but it’s pretty darn difficult to achieve because so many things interlink with one another but I have hope, hope is when all your other options have run out and you can only but trust in God and his abilities which to me seems pretty endless.  Sometimes we have to believe that the extraordinary is possible.  Miracles happen and they are only one full heartedly truly believing moment out there. 

I submit my life, my hope, my dreams to God.  I am going to thank him for all my blessings in my life, practice gratitude every day and know that God has a bigger plan which he is preparing me for and as hard and difficult things might seem at the moment, I just need to keep in mind that I need to grow from all of this and become stronger than I think I can even comprehend.

This life has not turned out how I imagined it to be but the man upstairs gave me his version of what I asked for, I wanted to have a big family, so he gave me 3 precious little girls, a wonderful ex-husband who treats my girls with like princesses, an amazing other mom to be who fills my gaps and picks up the burdens that I can’t carry, 4 sets of grandparents who love and spoil our girls and endless aunties and uncles not to forget the great-grandparents and loads of friends who we are blessed to have in our lives.

So I give up all expectations that I hold of this live and what is meant for me and I will trust my wingman and we will wing it together.

Here’s to looking forward to my breakthrough!!

Darkest before the dawn

Hunter, farmer, mother, protector, survivor.  What a whirlwind the last couple of days have been.  The most intensely felt days in my life.  It all started with a week that ended on such a bad note that I just could not imagine going back to work, so I took 2 days off which was probably not the best idea ever but I needed the gap.  I had an eventful weekend, spent it with my new “old” friends and loved confusing the hell out of some people when they just can’t wrap their head around the fact that I am absolutely in awe of my ex-husbands fiancé.  So to get back to the story, the depressed feelings set in on Sunday during the church service, the realization of many things dawned on me.  My CC (church crush) has disappeared, maybe a good thing as the distraction could not be so great at the moment, my job has become this evil draining bottomless pit of destruction and then I had a paternity test hanging over my head, yes its exactly what you read, paternity test to determine what we all know but what this individual doesn’t want to accept.   The mere thought of 1mililiter of blood being  drawn out of a little baby’s vein (whichever vein they can find) killed me inside.  I felt like I was living in a nightmare but that too was only the beginning.

I have started over twice in a space of not even a year.   Once again I am on the same path, looking to people to help me again.  I have come to the realization that maybe I am supposed to lose everything and completely hit rock bottom in order to grow again. 

Monday came and went as quickly as you could even say Monday, thought I’d sleep the day away but alas that was not the case.  As the evening approached I became more and more aware of what the next day was holding in store for me, for my child.  The morning of 12 April 2016 started as any other morning yet this day was going to be a hard day, physically and emotionally. We made our way to the hospital, filled in the necessary forms and waited for the individual to show up.  My child was in such a good mood, so happy, smiling and talking to everyone who looked or smiled at her.  They called us in, “its time” I tried to keep myself from crying.  They took our blood and now it was my baby’s turn, I gave her over and walked out of the room.  I stood against the wall and pushed my fingers into my ears not to hear her cry but I was crying.  The scream penetrated my skull like a hammer hitting a nail into a wall, it wasn’t crying, it was screaming, a scream no mother should listen to, they were hurting my child and I couldn’t do anything.  I cried hysterically, a lab assistant took me into a room and my legs gave in, I felt numb, nothing.  It was finally over, I walked in and took my baby, held her and told her that I will never let her be hurt again or go through what she went through now for another individual.  I cradled her in my arms and walked out of the room, mascara streaks down my face, pram in my one hand and baby in the other, crying and I didn’t care who looked at me.

I reached the point of hurt, I don’t think, well I know I cannot feel anything worse than what I felt.  I pray for some sort of miracle and keep hoping that something will change, some sort of goodness will come from this.

So I hold my head high, I accept my faults and again I have to find something new, a new beginning.  Am I a hunter, am I a farmer, yes I am a mother and so far I have survived.  What is in store for me next?  They say its always darkest before the dawn.  May my dawn come with a new adventure, a new blessing and a new day…

Stronger

I've been backed up into a corner, I feel surrounded by hungry wild dogs lusting after a taste of my defeat.  What I struggle with the most at this point in the whole story is that how can people possibly be this cruel to fellow human being?  Do I simply expect too much from individuals, do I hold expectations of other too high for them to reach? 

If you know me then you'll know that if I love you a lot, I can't really lie to you.  Ask my parents and family, if I had to choose between lying and simply avoiding the truth, I'd take the latter option. This trait I  have come to realize many do not have, it's easier to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission.  My other and probably most proudest characteristic is the plain fact that if and when you confide in me, I carry your secret with me to the grave.  Even when you hurt, back stab or take me for granted I will not divulge the information you shared with me.  I will also give my last possession away to help others and create happiness, much to my mothers dismay, I would rather help others and go without rather than to help myself and see others struggle.

With regards to mentioning all the above I have yet to understand why people hurt others, why do you kick a dog when it's down.  I have simply had to come to terms with the eye opening fact that humans, no matter what faith, religion, cultural standing, race or sexual orientation, are hardwired to destroy.  They have this unnerving bad quality to undermine, push over and attack others when they simply do not fit into their mound.  The worst is if you witness the bad being done to someone else and to be so naive to think it will not happens to you too because you are different, unfortunately it seldomly does.  People are the rule and hardly ever the exception. 

What I need to accept is that power and self righteousness and a faithlessness in any higher believe will simply mean that you will suffer the consequences of others addictiveness to power and control. 

Always remember what Suzy says about Sally says more about Suzy then Sally.  If they can gossip about others freely then count yourself lucky enough to be the topic of discussion one day.

From all of this I can honestly say to you that the secrets are save with me, it's ok to make my life a living hell day in and day out, it's just fine to ridicule me publicly on an electronic platform, I will allow your comments and criticism, hell you can even call me stupid to my face but what you will not do is stop me from forgiving you everyday for the hurt you cause me, for the will of God on my life and to treat you as I would any other normal person on any given day.

I am a survivor, I have fought my demons, the devil walks with me sometimes more than I'd like and he gets the better of me most days but I have a vision, a plan to succeed and make the best of my circumstances and I have accept the hand that was dealt to me. Should I stand to lose more than I've lost then I humbly accept because earthly things can be replaced but my love and the love for me from my children, family and friends are everlasting and unconditional.  The terms and conditions are that I just stay the awesome person that I am.

Faith only needs to be as small as a mustard seed for change to take place, for God to take the steering wheel and drive that mustang like Sally would.  So I'm letting go, I'll go get that mustard seed and carry it with me all the time in remembering that I don't have to figure it all out by myself but that I just need to trust and have faith.

Conquering this will be my victory.    

I NEARLY died

I’ve really almost died 3 times in my life, yes the magical sequence of 3.  Hopefully its strike 3 and you are not out, so far so good.  I always say I don’t really get sick but when I do, I go to hospital and this year I am being a rebel, I have no medical aid!! Yes, when the going gets tough, you have to cancel the medical aid.  Should I get very sick, I see it as my time to move on into my angelic life due to the fact that I will have to go to a government hospital and somehow people rarely walk out of there alive.

On April 6^th, 2008, I was involved in a car accident, exactly one year after my sisters accident.  You can imagine my parents weren’t thrilled when they received the news, I was half dead and had my mother lecturing my on the other side of the phone, gotta love moms!! Long story short, a gentleman fell asleep around a bend on the highway and crashed into the section in the fast line, the barrier separating the two highways.  Then next a Chinese lady rammed into the before mentioned gentleman’s car and they all got out and left their vehicles with no hazard lights on.  It was about 2am in the morning and I came driving 120 which is the speed limit and slammed into the two cars.  Needles to say, I didn’t feel the impact, all I can remember was the paramedic at my window shouting “I think she’s dead”.  I quickly sat up and remember the blood streaming out of my nose, it felt like arm water was running down my face.  Trying to get his attention I shout “I am alive”.  They cut me out with the jaws of live and I was taken to Sunninghill Hospital.  I miraculously did not break a single bone in my body, I had my safety belt imprinted on my body with the bruises and thank goodness I wore a safety belt or I would have been dead.  I tore the ligaments or whatever you call it in my neck and a piece of glass cut through my upper left arm but I survived on painkillers and soldiered on.

January 29^th, 2013, I started developing a bad headache at work and though it was just a migraine. I arrived home and felt like I fell off my chair and cracked my skull but alas that was not the case.  I scooped up my 5 month old baby and placed her on the floor with me and had the 2 year old runup and down to keep us entertained and minimize any additional activities from my side.  The next morning I could literally hear the birds chirping outside and my hearing felt like I developed supersonic hearing overnight, it was definitely not from  turning into a Supermom superhero, that would have been fun.  Rush to hospital by a family member, I was admitted for DEPRESSION!!! Really, they thought I overdosed or something.  Very annoyed and in pain they wheeled me into a ward with chatty Cathy and her sidekick, then and there I requested to be moved.  Finally a different doctor came to see me, he looked at me and immediately said it wasn’t depression – NO WAYS – I could’ve self-diagnosed there.  Off I went for CT scans and MRI scans, I started vomiting mid MRI scan, used the hospital dustbin, not my greatest moment.  They wheeled me back and gave me pain meds, now we wait.  I was trying to sleep and suddenly the doctor comes waltzing in with all his nurses, there is a tray with needles, “doctor its 12 o’clock in the morning” I said to him, “yes I know but its bothering me and I think you are very sick” he tells me.  A lumber puncture he said, it will be painful he said, I didn’t feel a thing.  An hour later and masked me arrived at my bed taking me to isolation, I had Severe Viral Meningitis.  They pushed me into my private room, doped me up on meds and left.  I cant remember the 2 weeks that followed, I was kept under sedation and remember one time eating with my plate next to my face because I couldn’t lift my head.  I managed to recover after being in the hospital for a month and having lost 25% hearing in my right ear and 1 di-optical of sight in both eyes from the damage done by the virus. 

I think it was January 11^th, 2014, I casually strolled into a very upmarket grocer and bought an organic ruby grape juice.  I was dieting and felt like that was the best choice for the moment.  What I didn’t realise is that I have never eaten or drank for that matter any sort of RUBY grapefruit in my life.  As I walked back from the shop I started becoming itchy all over, first just slightly and then it started to really itch, I was scratching so bad the blood marks were on my body, then my tongue started tingling and at about that time I decided to make my way to the hospital.  As I arrived at the robots about 1km from the hospital, my airway closed – great – I raced to the entrance of the hospital, took my baby out the car and ran to emergency.  I handed my child over to the first available nurse and collapsed. When I came to I was surrounded by about 10 personnel and a doctor telling me ever so panicky “you are not going to die today”.  “Yeah right buddy, I am going to die today” I thought to myself.  I think I received 2 adrenaline shots and some other stuff, oxygen and and and.  They managed to save me, wheeled me off to the ward and kept me for observation.  I have a severe allergic reaction – anaphylactic shock – I will also now never be able to donate blood again due to the antibodies being in my blood.  It could kill someone.  To cut a long story short, after a weeks stay, swelling up like a balloon due to being allergic to cortisone as well, a scope up both top and bottom orifices, they sent me home with a clean bill of health.

So with all “said” I should have probably died on all accounts but somehow I am still here, the purpose of my being here, still unknown.  Yet I still suffer through everyday life and don’t have it easy by any means, I still carry on. I keep hoping for a silver lining, a light at the end of the tunnel, my breakthrough moment.

I keep on keeping on. 

Living on faith

Living on a prayer, yup that's what Bon Jovi used to sing back in the day. But I'm more of an "Always" kind of girl. The song was just my ultimate love song.... Going off topic here.  I have decided that I'm going to live off faith, yup I am taking that gigantically scary step in the direction of faith and believing in what will happen will happen. 

I've put it out there, I'm perfectly happy with living on my faith, so far I have not gone without one month, yes I had to drastically reduce my "acceptable/luxurious" way of living and really can get by under R100 a week with some change to spare.  My appreciation for the small things have exceeded my expectations and I no longer want the live I used to have.  Downscaling was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.  I used to be so ashamed and then I realized that after downscaling, I still had more than others. 

Yes, I had to swallow a humble pill by accepting groceries from individuals at work, family and the church but my biggest pill was when I accepted the help from my children's future other mother (stepmom sounds so wrong) - help sometimes comes from the most unexpected places. Then there has been the endless help with petrol / data and clothing. Just when I thought I was all alone, God opened up his doors of humbleness and gave me more than I deserved. 

In the days that followed, I have:

1. Lost a friend 
2. Gained a family at my church
3. Helped an individual find God
4. Built a relationship on a solid foundation with the fiancé
5. Cut all blood ties with people from my past
6. Helped make 3 little girls happier than most children 
7. And developed a small crush 

See how I sneaked that last point in there BUT, big big BUT - I will harmlessly just spectate from a distance. Too much on my plate at the moment.  Sometimes we win some but also sometimes we lose more, it's ok though because what God takes out of your life, he replaces with more. 

My girls will live the remainder of the time with their father and other future mother, I on the other hand will continue to grow as a person, give my baby girl the undivided attention she deserves from her mommy and building a solid foundation for my girls to one day be able to visit me more often and also have their own rooms.

So yes, I took a leap of faith and I believe with my whole heart and soul that my dream will be around the corner shortly, my breakthrough is coming, this hell is temporary and I am a fighter, a warrior, a mom and a strong as I'll ever be now!! 

My Open Letter to God

Dear Father God

It's me, again, we talk almost all day everyday and yet I feel I'm doing most of the talking and you the listening but there is not anything really "happening".   The conversations between us have mostly been one sided, I would say "not that I mind" but to be brutally honest I do mind, actually I mind a lot.

Yes I've not been the ideal daughter, granddaughter, mother, wife, ex-wife or girlfriend, I undoubtedly can say that a lot of people can tell you that.  Although I know you have forgiven me and you have forgotten about it all of it, I don't quite understand why this path you have put me on is still so hard to walk on.  Just when it started looking as if there was a light at the end of the tunnel I didn't realize it was another oncoming train.

Why must my day consist of only 3-4 hours of happiness? Why must I go day in and day out with being hurt, isolated, blamed, targeted and ridiculed?  My poor heart can't handle the weight of my emotions anymore. I can't even stop the tears from flowing anymore, they are just there everyday.  Father God you know my heart, you know me, you know how desperately I am looking for new opportunities in all avenues in my life, to be closer to my girls, to be able to give my baby a decent home and provide her carer with better income as well. Everything has a knock on effect.

I've asked people for forgiveness, I've started living a clear and translate life. I've thrown the bad stuff away, I've cleared the hate and negativity. I do good things for others, I help where I can.  Yes I've noticed that I'm not 100% the best mother for my children but you have provided them with a wonderful new stepparent who fills in the gaps, I saw a flaw in my actions the other night and immediately pulled away from it. I always told myself I will not be like that and it takes recognition of bad actions and acceptance to move from that state of mind. So yes I've made mistakes, I've said bad things and probably done some bad things too. But why do I feel as if I am constantly being punished? How can you not help me get through one day without making mistakes or without anyone making me feel like I'm worthless.

I know there are people out there who suffer for years, it becomes a part of them, of who they are and I don't want that for me, I want to believe you have a whole new life planned for me, it's so new it has the plastic on it still.

Father God why do I feel that everyone around me is living their happily ever after lives and here I am, I have so much to give, so much to offer, so much of myself I've worked on and improved yet you keep everyone away from me.  Yes, ok, I haven't made the best choices and I haven't lived a pure life but I am much better than how I used to be.

Please my Father God, you know my hearts desires and the top one is to know you and have you in my life and trust that you only want the best for me but I feel so far away from you.  It feels as if I'm just talking, begging, pleading, groveling for you to just let one miracle miraculously happen.

You know what I have had to do to just get some money to make it through the week, what medicine I take to keep me stable enough throughout the day and the countless dashes to the bathroom to fall to my knees and pray my sorry heart out to you.

When will you see me Father God, what else must I do for you to take notice, how must I still change to have your favor spoken out on my life.  I am no saint, more sinner, I make empty promises because I have no self control, I have no drive, I have no will, that had left me long ago.  You send many on my path but yet I feel completely alone, forsaken, damned.

I am writing this open letter to you God, I don't know how else to go about trying to get your attention, Father God, you have the almighty power to change circumstances, please please please Father God I need you to intervene and make some major changes in my life. I can't keep on keeping on, it's killing me.

Please Father God I am begging you.

Your daughter