Surviving your own Brood

Being a single mom is hard, there are no “time-outs”, there are no “hold the baby while I quickly disappear for 5 minutes”, there is no extra pair of hands.  It’s hard, no sugar coating it, it’s the hardest job I have ever had to do in my whole life.  I would rather go to work every day of the week and do cold calling until I am blue in my face because I am not built for being a full time mom.  I commend the full time moms, you have the patience of a saint.

I had a mommy meltdown, yes I sad on the floor and just cried, I cried for accepting that I did this to myself, I chose this life, I chose to do it alone.  I have a baby fast asleep in bed, my eldest as good as gold and my middle child literally turning into a little devil.  So many nights I sit and fantasize about how it would actually feel to just have day for me, a day where I wake up on my own time, chill in bed, maybe read a book or two and just simply be, but alas that will never happen.  “Why?” you ask, its simple, its not JUST about me anymore, during that day of luxury I will keep on worrying about my children in the back of my mind, feel guilty for spending the day by myself and not with them and question myself 10 times over whether I am doing the right thing for myself or not. 

I am sitting in bed typing away while I listen to my middle child wailing away for goodness knows what, my eldest trying to sleep and I am doing my best to ignore her.  I sometimes don’t understand why we do this to ourselves, like who’s clever idea was it to love someone so much that you want to create another life together?? There should be a warning manual given out before marriage and a 5 day crash course where they play barney all day on tv and a cd of a crying child on repeat, you know, to ease you into it.  I really feel like such a bad mother most days, I carry on walking when one is wailing at my feet for something and I give people the “what are you looking at stare” and some days I walk out of a shop after announcing that I am leaving, whether they follow or not and most times they come screaming after me because I “forgot” about them.  Yeah right, like I would intentionally choose to forget you.

There were days that I worried that I’d turn out like my parents, not that they did a bad job, hey I am unique and it took a damn tough person to raise me.  Kudos to my mom and my ever patient other dad for sticking it out with me.  The thing is, I am not my parents, our circumstances are way different then what I am in now and one thing I never for one moment doubted was that they loved me.  I mean, take today.  I have been a very self-centered, selfish, undoubtedly miserable, stubborn and hardheaded child you could possibly find on the face of the earth and yet today my mom and dad stop at my new home and drop off a brand spanking new fridge for me.  Not once did I ask for it, I don’t even think I deserve it to be honest but one things I will never ever question, is their love for me.  I took me by complete surprise and I have never been so grateful to receive a proper working fridge in my life.

Its not always about the big things, its about my eldest child coming to sit in my lap and pat me on the back while I cry because my middle child hit me in the face and it was actually really sore, its about kissing the monster good night and hugging her while she tells me “sorry mommy for hitting you in the face with my angry bird”, its about finally climbing into bed and having a little 10 month old wiggling herself closer to me just to make our co-sleeping that more worth it.

At the end of the day, they are what makes you, you and the love for them will last a lifetime.

Do not Disturb

​One of the most mindbogglingly things for me to date and actually has been on my mind since, like, forever, will be the confidence a man walks around with, especially those who you would never ​even look at twice.  We've all had the "Oom" on the beach with the beer belly check us out and actually walked up to some of you and started a conversation, never-mind the beach, at a restaurant, bar or randomly at shopping centres.

Is it maybe because females have a lack of testosterone or what??  Why on earth would we not have that "confidence" gene?  And my ultimate hate is when you are single, this also goes for me too, you get stalker, talked too or added randomly on social media by the creepiest bunch of guys out there.  I mean seriously?? I am not desperate and I have my list of requirements, it almost makes you wonder what category of "looks" or "attractiveness" you fall under,  That to me is just unacceptable.

I have had 3 instances so far, the first was when I quickly had to send out an email to a client, I stopped off at the nearest place and hurried into a little space and started working.  It was close to home time so I ordered myself a glass of wine and started cracking on my email, not 5 minutes into my work, there he was.  I could smell home before I even saw him, body odor mixed with the smell of cigarette smoke lingering.  He casually walks up and asks me of he could buy me a drink, I politely refuse and then he proceeds with "you look busy, may I join you while you work" - um NO! was my response and he kind of backed away slowly but kept on starring at me from a distance. Like you got to be joking!!

The second instance was on a work social media platform, the guy adds me and I send him a WORK mail about my business and our offerings.  Not a second later he says cool, we can set up a meeting at my offices.  Ok so from the get go of the reply I kind of had a weird feeling about it, so I ask a male colleague to sit in the meeting with me.  He rocks up at our office, start talking and the whole meeting is about himself, almost like a speed dating session that took forever to finish, while I kept on trying to cut the meeting short and my male colleague also tried, he just carried on.  Finally he gets up and leaves, I almost cling to my male colleague as to not have to walk out with this guy.  Not even an hour later this dude starts adding me on all social platforms and starts stalking me.  Like SERIOUSLY??? So I block him everywhere and left it at that.

The third was one of those, you add people because they invite you on social media because you share a connection or you attend the same church or whatever the case.  So I innocently accept the friend request.  Soon after my photos from a few months back start popping up as "liked" on my notifications, then I start getting inbox messages on messenger.... I ignore the guy, sometimes being polite gets your burnt just as bad as actually trying to tell them to leave you alone.

So in saying the above, I am not vain or horrible, God created us all with certain likes and dislikes, stuff that appeals to us that dont to others.  I just have a certain preference and I am not going to just jump at any opportunity that presents itself.  I have come to the conclusion that I cannot marry for money as I seriously need a connection with the other person.  I know within the first few minutes of meeting someone, whether or not there would be potentially something or not.  But in saying all of the above, I have actually had a lot of time to think while driving to and from work lately.  I dont have the time, capacity, will or need for someone right now.  Yes I will always make the odd joke about "oh and if you know of a rich single guy, send him my way".  That is just plain playful banter, the same as if anyone new is employed or somebody talks about their single friends, the question always pops up about whether they are hot or not, its just a silly conversation making statement.

So all in all, there is unfortunately no space in my life for anyone unless you are super duper extra-ordinary but that doesnt really happen and I have yet to be proven wrong.  I share my bed with a little warm body every night, my weekend are filled with quality time with my offspring, my evenings I work and look for business to make sure I have enough income to look after myself and frankly, I am content.  I am my own boss, I do what I want, talk to whomever I want, wear what I want, change my mind 10 times without having to consult anyone and actually would like to start socializing and start serving at church more often.

So there you go, in a nutshell - I have standards - I dont like creepy dudes and not in the market AT ALL until further notice.

So as those door hangers say " DO NOT DISTURB " 

A Temporary Hiatus

I haven’t written on my blog for a while.  It has been by choice.  I have had a lot of changes that manifested in my life which I wanted to give the time to settle in properly.

I have started a new job, one that I prayed for for quite some time and the one that presented itself to me was far from what I thought it would be, it has taken me out of my comfort zone and yet its has acted as a platform on which I am growing as an individual, my self-confidence has reached a new level and I am able to build relationships where I never thought possible.  The other aspect of it all is that I have a new Family, my work family.  We each have a link in some or other way to one another and the best part of it all, we all have small children so its easier for us to relate to each other.  The environment is a stable and welcoming one, the people (most of them) are friendly and helpful.  To say I am happy is an understatement.  God provided this opportunity for me, now I need to make the best of it.

My personal life has been somewhat of a different challenge.  There have been days where I have felt insatiable happiness and other days where I wished my life could just be normal, go home, go to work, go home, you know the normal routine. I must admit that I do enjoy every so often receiving feedback from total strangers and friend on how my blog has helped them overcome an obstacle in their lives and how they were able to see a situation in a different light.  The part that I do not enjoy and I also cannot really complain about this because I chose to leave the door open, is the fact that people are keeping tabs, taking my words out of context and using it as a tool to harm and hurt other individuals.  It is rather sad that we have such horrible, vindictive, sly and just plain disgusting human beings out there.  In saying all of that, I choose not to let them get me down, all I can do is pray for them and hope that one day they might find inner happiness with themselves and their lives.

The last few weeks I have also made some decisions, ones that are not only for my own sanity but probably because you can only do so much.  I, as mentioned above, can only pray for the situation to change as I do not have the capacity or capability to do it or carry it on my shoulders anymore.  I have decided to step away from a situation, distance myself for the betterment of the other people involved, I have embraced the fact that I am happy for my children to call my ex-husbands future wife “mommy – mama – mom” whatever they decide, I told them I’m cool with it.  I wrote a letter and spoke from the heart to my father and can only hope that one day things will be able to resolve itself until then I can just pray.  The burden of keeping everyone happy and to be careful not to step on any toes has completely been thrown out the door with the trash, it not been an easy decision and far from a selfish one, its just a matter of not wanting to be in the middle anymore.

Financially I am still trying to figure out how to sustain myself and how to best go about making the most of my income and utilizing it in a way that I don’t burn myself.  The emotional roller-coaster has taken me on an insightful trip, I am dealing with CCMA case (my first and frankly I am pooping my pants with this one) where I literally feel I am being discriminated against but I cannot really have any expectation here, people are going to do things for the betterment of themselves and not take into consideration that at the end of the road they are doing more harm than good.  I’ve had an ongoing sga with my last born and trying my best to make the right decisions so that she may one day not have to “recover” from her childhood due to being exposed to the wills of others.  Its been hard, its been draining and its been a massive distraction from my work.  I made over and above my target last month and yet this month I have not had any clients trading.  I know my focus has been elsewhere and every day I walk in and say today I will make a difference and before my sentence is completed, I am hit by a curve-ball.

So in rambling on about the above, I have decided to change a few things, starting with:

1.       Nightly Bible study (mornings are way too hectic for me)

2.       Create a vision board and work towards it

3.       Start everyday new

4.       Focus on work and have an hour a day for personal stuff and then leave the rest

5.       Make time for everything

6.       Pay off my small debts owing to people

7.       Stop being lazy

8.       Stop finding and excuse

9.       Start believing that God gave you this opportunity, he will provide

10.   Start keeping in touch with family and friends on a regular basis

Oh and before I forget, this is a BIGGY!!!

I am finally content, I have lost the desire to have someone in my life, I am completely happy being single.  There has never been a time in my life that I can honestly say that I have been happy to be single.  Those were lies and I should have been punished for even saying or believing that.  Sitting on my cough with my very affectionate kitten, sore throat, feeling a little bit sorry for myself, watching my baby over the monitor while she sleeps and thinking of all the work I need to do before I go to bed…. I can confirm that there has not been a day in 4 years that I have been this content.  Regardless of how this month will turn out, the good news I will receive and the learning experiences that will be thrown on my path, I can safely say, Bring it on!!!

Just like the songs “Because I’m happy”

xxxx

Help Moses

Good evening

Firstly I am apologising for sending this email, number one, its late and number two, I don't know you and you don't know me but I have a request.

I believe we meet people for different reasons and today a gentleman helped me with a box of matches because I didnt have any change on me and I wasnt going to swipe my card on the machine as I didnt want to buy any more stuff from the garage.

I asked for a match, he said he'd buy for me.  I had nothing to give him but my business card and I wrote on the back "Thank you".  I also said to him that he must call me if he needs help....... And he did.  He sent me an sms. 

This is what he sent me:

Thanx for responding, I currently dont have a drivers license, I only have matric subjects certificate, (UV) utility vehicle certificate from Murray & Roberts Company, and sevral program certificates including HIV/AIDS peer educators certificate, I am very skillful and able to learn quick. I am currently stuck with a financial problem, I study risk management course with IQ Academy.  All I need right now is better work opportunity to upgrade my life.  I got no parents,and working for transport and food now. My dream is to see myself success one day. I also have a great gardening designing skill, even runned a Hope Support Group Organization before as a chair person. I was taken in by a white guy who kind of adopted me but cannot afford to look after me anymore.  I work at the garage for between 12 to 14 hours without lunch and one day off per week,  I dont drink or smoke.

Moses Phefo

Something I dont always share with people due to their own judgments, I am a reborn christian, I lost everything I owned 10 months ago, I walked to work and had to take hand outs for food as I couldnt afford food for myself, as a single mother you put your child first.  Since joining FCBT my life has improved and I am happier than I have ever been.  I learned to be grateful and humble, appreciate the smaller things in life.  I always wondered what my purpose in life was and I kind of think its to help others.

I am not asking for you to help if you do not feel it necessary but all I ask is if you could maybe pass on this gentleman's details so we might find someone who can help him.

I only wish you the best evening.

The Wonders of my God

There are all types of people who follow all sorts of religions, beliefs and so on.  My blog is my personal space where I write about the wonders that have happened in my life and regardless if you are an atheist or just a spiritual person but to me God is my everything.

The wonders of my God - Jesus Christ - The Holy Spirit

11 months ago my life fell apart.  The sadness I felt I could never imagine a person could feel.
3 weeks after my baby was born I was homeless, staying in between home with my mother and grandmother. 
3 months I was allowed to temporarily stay with my dad. 
December 2015 I moved into my "halfway" home and done as much as I could to survive.
I accepted groceries in January 2016 from staff members and the church, I walked to work because I didn't have a car and I reached the lowest point in my life. 

I LOST EVERYTHING

So I changed my mindset, started following my religion, worked at what I wanted and set up a 6 month goal list with 5 goals.

1. Find an new job
2. Find my feet financially
3. Find a new home 
4. Be closer to my children
5. Hope Mr. Right finds me (hasn't happened and frankly not interested)

All of the first 4 became a reality.  As I sit here I realised that I am blessed.

The 6 month in 2016 my 4 major goals became a reality and I owe it all to GOD!!!

Romans 8 - My very first moment with God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. 

I owe everything to him who has given me new life, I new meaning to being a good person, a new meaning for wanting to do what is right and for just being grateful for everyday that is a blessing.

There are things, custody battles for my baby, unforeseen circumstances with all sorts of thing that presents itself daily but it is truly how you look at it and at the moment I choose to walk with a smile on my face, head held high and to be happy.

I OWE EVERYTHING TO GOD

Your dreams are never to small, dont ever underestimate the power of your God.

Always have a grateful heart.