Life has really been a little
house of horrors for me, I have meant to be all coming up sunshine and roses
yet I cannot physically get myself to write anything positive at the
moment. I think I am allowed a bad day /
week/ month / year or forever now and then.
The bad news hit me from all
sides yesterday, some of it started over the weekend. I don’t blame anyone for anything that
happened but myself, its as if I have to accept the inevitable truth. The wors that keep resounding in my head “your
will, your way, your mercy God”. A
friend of mine sent me an email yesterday and in it read “God gives his
strongest soldiers his hardest battles”, well let me tell you this soldier is
waving the white flag. I am getting up
and walking towards the gun to put my flower in the barrel loaded and aimed at
me. I am stripping off the bulletproof
vest, placing my ammo on the floor and surrendering. I cant do it anymore, I am
done fighting, done trying to make my own decisions and done trying to keep up
with others.
Walking into the bathroom falling
to my knees, vulnerable and scared, I poured all my hurt and pain into my
prayer and all I could muster up was “please God, please help me”. The tears didn’t seem to have an end, my
heart didn’t seem to feel like it will be able to put the pieces together again
and the second panic attack set in for the day.
I needed to get rid of these feelings, this soul clenching hurt, I felt
as if I was being choked. I had no
choice but to agree, to give in and to let go.
Maybe every inch of my being has to be broken to a million little pieces
and lay scattered on the floor in front of me so I can sit down, pick up the
glue and slowly start building again.
Today I looked like I either had
a helluva bender last night or a massive allergic reaction, the tears still
moments away from filling my eyes and I keep swallowing back the chocked
feeling in my throat. My eldest daughter
has a wonderful way of reminding me she doesn’t like me very much, I think she
tells me she hates me more than she loves me and yet I still try and tell her
as much as I can that I love her, the
middle child never wants me to go anywhere, she is my shadow and the baby is
just a happy go lucky little person. Its
been a rather trying time and feel like such a failure as a mother. My award will probably sent in the mail. All I want is for them to see I am trying,
trying to give them what I can, trying to understand their emotional outbursts,
their needs and wants and most importantly I am trying to be the mom I always
promised I will be only on a part time basis now. Yes the other reality, the more people tell
me “you will always be their mother, they know that, they love you” the more I
want to take those individual and put them in my situation for a day, just feel
and understand, its hard.
Probably not the best post or the
most motivating, I just have too much sadness inside me at the moment. I am mourning.
No comments:
Post a Comment