Dear Father God
It's me, again, we talk almost all day everyday and yet I feel I'm doing most of the talking and you the listening but there is not anything really "happening". The conversations between us have mostly been one sided, I would say "not that I mind" but to be brutally honest I do mind, actually I mind a lot.
Yes I've not been the ideal daughter, granddaughter, mother, wife, ex-wife or girlfriend, I undoubtedly can say that a lot of people can tell you that. Although I know you have forgiven me and you have forgotten about it all of it, I don't quite understand why this path you have put me on is still so hard to walk on. Just when it started looking as if there was a light at the end of the tunnel I didn't realize it was another oncoming train.
Why must my day consist of only 3-4 hours of happiness? Why must I go day in and day out with being hurt, isolated, blamed, targeted and ridiculed? My poor heart can't handle the weight of my emotions anymore. I can't even stop the tears from flowing anymore, they are just there everyday. Father God you know my heart, you know me, you know how desperately I am looking for new opportunities in all avenues in my life, to be closer to my girls, to be able to give my baby a decent home and provide her carer with better income as well. Everything has a knock on effect.
I've asked people for forgiveness, I've started living a clear and translate life. I've thrown the bad stuff away, I've cleared the hate and negativity. I do good things for others, I help where I can. Yes I've noticed that I'm not 100% the best mother for my children but you have provided them with a wonderful new stepparent who fills in the gaps, I saw a flaw in my actions the other night and immediately pulled away from it. I always told myself I will not be like that and it takes recognition of bad actions and acceptance to move from that state of mind. So yes I've made mistakes, I've said bad things and probably done some bad things too. But why do I feel as if I am constantly being punished? How can you not help me get through one day without making mistakes or without anyone making me feel like I'm worthless.
I know there are people out there who suffer for years, it becomes a part of them, of who they are and I don't want that for me, I want to believe you have a whole new life planned for me, it's so new it has the plastic on it still.
Father God why do I feel that everyone around me is living their happily ever after lives and here I am, I have so much to give, so much to offer, so much of myself I've worked on and improved yet you keep everyone away from me. Yes, ok, I haven't made the best choices and I haven't lived a pure life but I am much better than how I used to be.
Please my Father God, you know my hearts desires and the top one is to know you and have you in my life and trust that you only want the best for me but I feel so far away from you. It feels as if I'm just talking, begging, pleading, groveling for you to just let one miracle miraculously happen.
You know what I have had to do to just get some money to make it through the week, what medicine I take to keep me stable enough throughout the day and the countless dashes to the bathroom to fall to my knees and pray my sorry heart out to you.
When will you see me Father God, what else must I do for you to take notice, how must I still change to have your favor spoken out on my life. I am no saint, more sinner, I make empty promises because I have no self control, I have no drive, I have no will, that had left me long ago. You send many on my path but yet I feel completely alone, forsaken, damned.
I am writing this open letter to you God, I don't know how else to go about trying to get your attention, Father God, you have the almighty power to change circumstances, please please please Father God I need you to intervene and make some major changes in my life. I can't keep on keeping on, it's killing me.
Please Father God I am begging you.
Your daughter
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