God's funny sense of Humor

Sometimes my short temper can get the better of me, its almost as short as the week old hair on my legs I haven’t needed to shave for anyone!! Think I’m becoming a feminist, might just burn my bra while I am at it but then again these suckers need some support after providing nourishment to 3 very happy little girls.  Anyways, my daughter has been diagnosed, by me, with JLHM disorder. Let me break it down for you “Just like her mother” disorder.  It is all slowly starting to make sense now.  Her and I have somewhat of a weird relationship, we never really bonded, I think I may have suffered with Postnatal Depression and in turn couldn’t form that bond with her but luckily she was able to form that bod with her father who is her Hero.  I may not like my ex-husband very much and it very regularly the scale tips between the two extremes but he is a phenomenal dad, the best dad I could have asked for, he is just amazing and that’s where that stays with me, he is a good dad better than most.

So now I have to find a way to better my relationship with my eldest daughter who has a similar personality to her mother.  In times like these I always feel God has a really funny sense of humor.  He made me, I am THEE most difficult person I know, I am 30 and still learning about myself, now there is this half sized mini me walking around who sometimes has the same horrible attitude I used to have and wants everything her way.  Great, just great, thank you for the my dear Heavenly father and just for the record I am saying it with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.   There is this little girl that will slowly start opening avenues for both of us to discover about ourselves, I have the opportunity to heal my past hurts from my parents’ divorce by giving her the right tools to deal with her parents divorce and working as a team with her father and his fiancé, we can build a strong little person who can take on life no matter what obstacles lie ahead of her.  She is my blessing in more ways than I ever thought.  Then there is the resemblance to my sister, forever in heaven but we have our earthly reminder with us.  Her blonde hair, her blue eyes, her laugh, she make everything feel better.

There will come that time when I will share the truth of the decision I made to separate and then finally divorce her father, for having an affair (even though it was when I was separated already from her father) and falling pregnant out of wedlock with my youngest to someone I didn’t know much about.  With all my bad decisions I can sit her down one day and tell her the truth, explain how my decisions hurt more people than I ever thought possible and how from my bad decisions she can make the right ones.  I never wanted to tell people the truth about my life or even tell my children but I think sometimes the truth not only sets us free but when we let others know it makes people come out from their hiding places and they themselves can deal with whatever they have gone through.

I believe in using our past mishaps and wrong decisions not only as guidance on making the right decision but also as a reminder not to go down the same path again and to know when to see the red flags.  I must admit I was so ashamed to admit what wrongs I have committed but I realized that only the Lord can judge us and now with Easter approaching I once again am reminded that Christ Jesus died for our sins, he sacrificed everything for me to be free from the sin that holds me down so why must I worry about it any further if he has forgiven me.  I have asked all and sundry for forgiveness, some have forgiven me other have chosen to ignore me and carry on with their live, its each to their own.

So in closing with my rant for today, be who you are, embrace what you did wrong, help you children where you can and be a freaken good adult  while you are trying to figure out this adult life of ours.