Knowing your way

Direction, the mere thought of it makes me hyperventilate and get sweaty palms.  My sense of direction sucks and if I get put on the spot I forget my left and my right. Its rather amusing and terrifying at the same time. Lately I have had a lot of first world problems, data finished, airtime ran out, internet connection has been capped at work, the joys!! So my posts are few and far between now but hey I managed to find a gap to write something at least.  I have been rather hectic, my life has just been a series of fortunate events.  I had all my girls with me this weekend and they have a way of syphoning the last bit of life out of you, not in a bad way but geez they keep me on my toes.  I went to go sit down with the youngest while feeding her and closed my eyes for 5 minutes, well an hour later my mom managed to sneak in and take a photo and make sure we were still alive.  And to be brutally honest, I wouldn’t want it any other way, they keep me young.  The most fun is chasing after them when they want you to catch them, their laughter is addictive, it’s the best for a lonely heart.

I think all of us plan our paths ahead of life and then God throws a curve ball into the mix and you kind of have to go through that detour and finally end up where you are supposed to be, well that is exactly what happened to me.  I thought I knew my way, the “knowing your way” type of gal, did I get a surprise.  I realized that there are more things that need to be sorted out in my life than just the minimal effort I have put in.  I understand now why I have gone through the things I have gone in my life.  My marriage was an unhealthy relationship formed on codependency for my own insecurities, I have a lot of insecurities I need to work through on my detached relationship with my father and also I need to focus on my coping styles.  I somehow do not see my bad behavior as doing something wrong, I always try and validate them but to be honest, I need to put an end to my social smoking, social drinking, overeating food fetish and sort out my headaches.  Yes I have nerve damage from my bout of meningitis that had me in hospital for a month but I can rise above that.  All of this made me realise that a sick person cannot have a healthy relationship, that is a recipe for disaster because the sickness will eventually consume the other persons health.  So now more than ever I admitted to myself that I have to stay sober and by sober I mean “single” and I have been sober for 7 months now, 7 months after a 8 year relationship/marriage and a short lived 7 month relationship.  I really don’t think being single is the worst thing in the whole world, being lonely is but that’s a choice you make.  You either surround yourself with the people you love and want to spend time with or you become a recluse and live a lonely life which to me is rather depressing.  I suffer from depression so imagine having to sit by myself as a recluse.  That would be a really interesting party.

My time will come, I will eventually find my happiness but in the meantime I am using all my extra time to my advantage.  I am building an amazing relationship with my aunt and uncles, I have the most awesome relationship with my gran even through she is 44 years older than me, we just click on such an amazing level.  I have established and placed a stronger foundation for a relationship with my mother and my stepdad (once again confirming that genetics have nothing to do with unconditional love) and forming stronger more stable bonds with the right people to work on lasting friendships.  I also am realizing when to be sensitive and when I a must just take things for face value.  So the way I am going might not have been the way I have planned on going but its getting me where I need to be, a better me.

Chantelle 2.0 in the making!!