When things happen in my life,
they tend to go overboard and beyond. I
have properly gone from one extreme on the emotional radar to the other. Feelings of total elation and complete despair.
The last 24 hours have been rather interesting and yet I would never want it
back again. Except for one part and one part only but let me relive my 24 hours
quickly….
The to be continued part on
taking a chance bombed out, completely exploded in my face. Sometimes we expect other people to feel the
same as we feel and yet when they don’t it comes as a complete shock to our
system however if you you think about this logically…
1. This guy did not know I
felt this way.
2. He will probably do the
guy code thing about bro’s before proper decent ladies not ho’s, I aint that.
3. He is also still healing
from his heartache.
I am very good at giving advice
but not taking my own. I literally went
from asking advice from friends to wanting to take matters into my own hands
and become a serious psycho, thank goodness I didn’t because I would have
seriously regretted it. To close this
chapter would probably be my best bet at the moment. I am honestly desperate for love and
attention but not from someone who does not see my worth at the end of the day.
Fast forward to church last night,
I took my little person with me. She is
starting to get used to being taking everywhere with her mommy and it was
literally pass the parcel with her last night.
I have one amazing group of friends at Alpha and they have been so
welcoming and accepting towards me and my colorful past with little madam in
tow. To get to my point, while sitting
and listening to the seminar I was called aside due to Hollee being a bit of a
madam, so off I go and fetch her, latch her onto the boob and walked outside to
watch the rest of the seminar on the screens so not to disrupt anyone
else. While I was rocking her highness
and listening to Amy Orr-Ewing talking about how to read the Bible something
happened that has never happened before, I experienced the presents of God and
the Holy Spirit. For the last year and
a half I have been asking him why he has forsaken me, why has be thrown me away
and last night I got my answer, not the one I wanted for why the crap is
happening in my life but the answer to why me and he simply came to me through
Romans 8 verse 1 through to 38, he loves me and no matter what my past looks
like its forgotten and forgiven. To
explain the physical side of it, my hearing became zoned in on what Aimee was
saying, I felt this presence around me and a warmth filled me and I felt so
happy (promise it wasn’t a hot flush) and content. It was truly the best feeling before giving
birth to my 3 girls in my whole life.
And yet the devil is such a party
pooper, I can never have a good day without him waiting to spoil my fun. Lets just set the record straight before
carrying on, I wanted my divorce so everything after that should not affect me
but the unprepared for emotional onslaught of seeing others living their
happily ever after while you struggling to make it through kind of sets you
back to reset. Just when you’ve reached
90% of healing and happiness the carpet gets ripped from underneath you, all
your hard work and progress starts again, from scratch, again!! The only time I
am genuinely happy is when I get home to my little person who welcomes me with
the biggest of smiles and when I am at church.
I have to constantly fend off soul sucking vampires during the day and seeing
pinky and the brain happily ever after.
So to say that I went from total
elation to total dumbstruck rock bottom is well and in fact an
understatement. Yet I realize now that
my focus should be on what I wanted, to hear from God and be happy that he is
all I need in times life these. Life has
just been a little downside up for me…
This chapter will not be “to be
continued” (holding my four leave clover, rabbits foot and wishing on a star)
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