Finding Beauty

Those are my big brown eyes,  yup I have freckles all across my nose, the nose - rather big with a slight bump on it, high cheekbones so round and red, sharp chin, moderately thin lips and the Cindy Crawford mole below my lips.  That about sums up my face, its the face I was born with and most probably am going to die with - aint no middle clash folk got money for cosmetic surgery - who am I kidding I probably fall more in the mid to low class but that's a story for another day. I have come to get used to this face, it is the face I have been looking at for more than 29 and a half years, its a face my children spot with excitement and a face my ex husband would probably never want to see again.  I have always wondered what I would do if I could afford plastic surgery, would I really want to alter my looks, well, after a lot of thinking, no, no I would not.

You see the thing is with altering your looks, if there is no real universally acceptable reason for it, then I don't suggest it.  Look I am not against others doing it and honey if it makes your boat float then push that damn boat down that river and watch it sail.  I have some wisdom or maybe mania, whichever way you'd like to look at it to share.  I have tried finding beauty in myself.  

I would love a pair of Angelina Jolie lips, I bet they would be so luscious to place a kiss upon. Those lips would not be my own you see, the person kissing them would not be kissing me.  I could go and get a gorgeously straight nose like Ashlee Simpson and it would be little and petite but that would not be my nose.  As with any other addiction, it starts with something we not happy with or a curiosity that eventually killed the cat or the person.  Would you really be happy getting the nose or lips or breasts you've always wanted?  Would replacing another insecurity really help get rid of another?

When it was my time to become a mother and I experienced all the changes your body goes through I somehow realised that maybe I dont want to have a bigger chest, they were rather uncomfortable.  I have gone 3 times in my life up in weight 22kgs plus and have felt what it felt like to be overweight and it was to me very uncomfortable. I have also been super skinny and that too was not the bees knees, when I reached my goal weight of 55kgs I remember standing looking down at the scale and saying to myself "is that it? I thought I'd be happier"but it wasnt what I  thought it would be.    

We also cant expect another human being to love up so much that we will start loving ourselves, its a recipe for disaster and one that will repeat its brutal cycle every time we go into a new relationship.  I never really loved myself until I thought what I always wanted would make me happy, in my marriage was the time I felt the loneliest in my life, there were days where I prayed for release, I prayed for comfort and I prayed for love, in those moments I learned to accept myself, to love myself because even having another was not filling the hole in my heart.  When my children came around, I experienced unconditional love for the first time, the moment they let out their first cry into this world, I loved them with a love that only a mother can explain.  It was the most fulfilling love, the purest of its kind and it was and is still the best love.  What my children taught me was that, no matter what I looked like, big or small, blonde or brunette, pregnant or not, they loved me, they loved me for the mother I promised them I'd be to them until the day I let out my last breath in this world. 

It may seem like I have all my ducks in a row and my head screwed on straight but I dont, actually far from it.  I have stretch marks I have come to love and accept, they are in fact my warrior stripes.  My pregnancy hormones left me with very bad hail damage on my legs and I am still to find the courage to go out in public bearing my pasty white cellulite ridden legs. Breastfeeding took its toll and all I can say is that I am glad that I gave 3 little fart faces enough nutrients to last them a lifetime.  I am not perfect, far from it, and to top it all off I'm crazy too.  I am like a lucky packet, you never know what you might get but one thing I can say with Finding my Beauty is that I am a damn good mother, a survivor, a warrior and one fine catch.  

PS.  I picked my own roses out of my garden today, didnt have to wait for mister right to give me a bunch :-)