the art of appreciation

Sit and focus, look at the people around you, your animals, your family, your children or just you surrounded by you.  Look at them, don't just see them. Now open you heart and feel the emotion that plays in conjunction with looking at them. The deeply warm and satisfyingly feeling of joy, love, heartache, pleasure, pride and most of all being content. Family, friends, children, lovers, partners, all bring us some kind of sense of "belonging".

Today I read some sad news, I have been following this family who has a son with congenital heart disease, he is only a few months old and has spent about half his life in the NNICU where his mom and dad kept staying positive and kept on praying.  Today the parents posted that he is not a suitor for heart surgery and have decided to start getting off his meds slowly and take him home on Monday so that he may spend his last hours at home with his family.

"WarriorsforWalt"

Once again after reading that my whole perspective of life fell back into place again.  We live such hectic lives to please other people and yet we do not spend time with the small people, the people that count.  I gave my babies the biggest hugs I could and loved and kissed them just that little extra because we are all on borrowed time.

What this has also done for me is made me even more determined to keep believing that I will find love again with someone who will see the value of these little souls and how they keep me grounded and happy.  I am nothing without my children and they will not be a sacrifice.

So admire the people around you, tell them you love them, hug them out of the blue because where that mother is preparing to let go of her angel back to heave, we can still throw our arms around the little people we have around us.

May God bless Liz and her husband through this difficult path they are walking on together, little Walt will be with his Holy Father where he won't have to suffer any longer.

Please pray for this family on Monday when they say goodbye

Know your Plan

Putting yourself out there.  It’s hard, you will be judged, you will fail and you will more often than not end up right at the beginning again.  Before you can take that step forward, you have to reevaluate the situation.  Are you ready for what you will find and will you be strong enough to deal with being let down.

People are mean, they don’t like seeing people do better than them, they don’t like competition and they don’t want to be sidelined.  In all kinds of relationships you will find those people, it’s a matter of knowing the quality rather than having the quantity.  If you think of any new venture you pursue, there is always that part of “getting to know an individual”.  Its fun, exciting and then you find the roadblocks, they either make you stumble and fall or you simply turn around and walk away.

In today’s society it is rather hard to find quality.  There are so many lonely souls who want to find love but we keep looking in the wrong places and yet all the wrong places are where we are at too.  Take for instance, dating sites, I’ve tried a very popular one – it should rather be called “onenighter” because that is all you are going to get, I think I’ve only heard of one successful relationship come from there.  There are so many and yet the quality is limited to handicapped or disabled, dropped dead gorgeously gay or just plain nasty.  Now I am vein, yes I wont hide that fact but there needs to be substance, I almost feel the pretty boy are the worst picks, I have never met a quality pretty boy.  That aside, you then have the likes of social media and networking, to a degree that could work or you could just look like a stalker.  Bars and Night Clubs have never really produced anything to write home.

So you are basically left with the likes of your friends and family who does not always understand when you say there is a specific profile you are looking for and they just hand out the single guys like lucky packets, we all do, we all have that one friend we so badly just want to have a good girl snag him up and he just doesn’t get the girl.  It is a sad reality but it’s a reality. 

Morals and values are non-existent, we all want the model on the front page and cry our hearts out when they drop us like a hot potato the moment they are done with you.  You almost feel like asking yourself, where have all the good men gone.   While driving home I was listening to a song which is rather controversial but in a way rings true – Garbage – Crush, the sound track for Romeo and Juliet, the words are as follows:

“I will pray for you, I will pray for you, I will sell my soul for something pure and true, someone like you”

When last did you actually sit down and put what you want into the universe?  When last did you ask for something rather than just taking what you can get?  Is asking for someone to be good looking, well educated, has substance, well established, looks after themselves, accepts a person’s reality, well mannered, big hearted, respects morals and values too much to ask?  No and that’s why it is good to be picky and set in your ways of what you want, we all deserve our happily ever after…. How we get it is the mission, the crutch, the “do not pass go”. 

It would help if there was a manual to this whole life thing but in a way it is nice and exciting to wake up every day not really knowing what awaits and just accepting the unknown, being grateful for life’s mysteries.  It’s a joy ride, keep enjoying it to the fullest…. 

Unnoticed Miracles

As I sit here in my bed, feeling very sorry for myself and wishing this flu would just pass by already, I never really stopped to think about how things have turned out for me over the last couple of months.  Before going into that, I just finished watching "Miracles from Heaven".  I highly recommend this movie to anyone and everyone, I cried my eyes out and now my nose is even more blocked than before.  

This is my blog, some things I have written on here which I am not completely fond of or particularly feel proud about it but nevertheless I left it on here, the purpose for it all is to one day read it all from the beginning and see how I crew from a caterpillar to a butterfly.  It all takes baby steps in the beginning, what I failed to write about was all the blessings.  I am a christian, probably not the best christian or the most obedient one at times but I believe in my heart that God loves me.  

I can tell you about all the instances that he was there and I just took it for granted but there are times now that are more relevant than the times before this blog transpired.  The thing is, I know a lot of people aren't where I am spiritually and everyone has their own views on what they think / feel and want to believe in, I share this for those who are looking for more, who want to notice that miracle and is not ashamed that their "beliefs" cramp their style.  

I am not here to convert anyone, I am basically just telling my story...

From losing everything, to slowly regaining everything.  A job opportunity presented itself when I was desperately looking, I had to take a leap of faith and it worked in my favor.  I finally moved into a bigger home, one where we werent all sharing a bed in my small one bedroom apartment but I thank God for those moments, they shaped me and made me more humble.  I regained friendships lost and made new ones along the way.  There were days I worried about not having enough food, days I worried that I might not make it through the month and every time that happened, a little miracle showed up.

I have been blessed with a car that can drive me to work and back, family that is there for me til the bitter end, a very satisfying job, a church I love, children that fill my heart with joy, food in my cupboards, blankets on my bed, warm water to bath in and most of all a God that keeps supplying even when I dont have the guts to ask.

When you looking for a miracle, just stop and think about what you needed most over the last couple of days and how you have somehow managed to get it, that is the biggest part of it all, noticing the unnoticed miracles around you.

I was asked today if I was happy and my answer to that was one that will keep me smiling to myself, "as long as other people are happy, then I am happy".  I would rather see you smile then hurt, my boat will come one day but for now I am content.

Peace. Love and Happiness

xoxoxox

The truth will set you free

The biggest thing for me at the moment is honesty, be honest, tell the truth and stop playing the victim.  You choose your happiness, you decided your fate, you govern your luck and either gravitate towards something or away.

I would like to straighten the curve that has been placed on a story which was alterd to make me seem like a horrible person.  I have never nor will I keep a child away for their biological parent,  I was subjected to that when I was in my teens and it was horrible to go through that experience.  I am glad I learned by going through that, that one should not do that.  I have however sought other avenues to ensure my safety and that of my child and therefore I am being seen in a bad light but once again it goes back to the fact that you cannot take risks with your life and that of a child.  So the "battle" that was fought was actually brought on by badly made choices and I was not playing the bad cop.

I have been raising a little angel for the last 11 months and 15 days on my own, diaper duty, breast feeding, no evenings out, no going out on weekends, crying, fighting nights away with troublesome teeth, all on my ace.  I take full credit for all her milestones, all her happy moments and all her little achievements because I was the one who helped her reach it.  One day I want to her to read my blog, hen she is old enough to understand and make her own logical decisions as to what will be best for her.  I want her to know the truth and what was going on and how I overcame my obstacles with her in my life.  It is because of her that I am still fighting, that I go through endless nights of no sleep because I worry that I will not be able to provide yet every month and by the grace of God, I am able to survive.  When she wakes up in the morning and she looks into my eyes with the biggest smile on her face, my heart melts.  When I get home and she throws her hands in the air, pulling her funny face at me and I grab her little body and squish her tight, I feel my spirit awaken with feelings like butterflies exploding into air through my veins. 

If any of the people have read from the beginning and actually follow my journey, you will know my heart, you will know me.  I am not a cruel vindictive person and I will give the shirt off my back to someone else, I trust without thinking twice and I always give someone the benefit of the doubt BUT dont EVER paint me as the bad guy when I am doing my damn best at raising my child.  Do not play the victim because you are not the victim here, you chose all of this.

I made peace with my decisions, I made peace with my bad choices, I made peace with my past but I am growing beyond what was expected and said of me.  I have risen again and I will keep fighting until the day that I blow out my last breath and with God by my side the truth will be exposed, slowly but surely things will come to light.

But I do not wish anything harmful on anyone, who am I to judge, I just ask that God's will be done, let he decide your fate and what your life should be like.  I have forgiven you, I wish you no harm.  All I hope is that one day you will see the truth for what it is and realise that you cannot live a life of lies and doubt, people are getting hurt and life is difficult for all of us.

I only wish peace and love over your life, and mine of course haha.

xoxoxo

A REAL Man

There is this gentleman at my church.  At first glance he does not seem very open to converse with but I have gathered that that's just the outer facade of him.  Once he knows who you are and what you are about, then he opens up a bit more.  He is a youth pastor and a youth leader, he gets involved and he helps where he can.  He is also married to a stunning young doctor and she is absolutely an all in one package.

So to actually get to the story of my post title, this gentleman is actually a REAL man, a Godly man, the type you read about who fights for justice and beat the odds.  He is definitely not the type of "guys" guy that is currently flooding the market, hence why I decided to write about him.

He is very much younger than me, he is a 90's baby (it still feels wrong working with people born in the 90's - I'm just saying) 26 years old to be exact.  He is married, that I mentioned but what I didn't tell you is that he married the love of his life who adopted 2 little orphaned babies before she ever met him.  She stepped up to the plate when these 2 babies had no hope of a future and became their mother.  She made a decision to live a life of a single parent because she wanted to give meaning to life for two little souls.  What she did not expect was to be the object of total mezmerization from this man. 

He fell in love the moment he met her and started pursuing her, she on the other hand did not want anything to do with him because of her responsibilities.  Countless times he tried and every time he was met with resistance.  Why would someone so young want to date a person who has not only 2 children that is in fact not even her biological children and she had no time for a relationship. 

Did this stop him??? Clearly not. He saw what many guys today fail to see, he saw past the     the added extras of live she carried with her and saw her, he saw a person and not her circumstances and he wanted to be a part of that.  He didn't think twice about becoming an instant father to two orphans who were not biologically his or hers, he wanted to be with her and no matter what it took, he was all in.  

I see them every Sunday at work and when I look at how great he is to his children and most importantly to his wife, it gives me hope.  It makes me excited, gives me something to look forward too and that one day when the time is right God will send a REAL man that will step up to the plate and put his big boy panties on and fall in love with me, regardless of what state my life is in or what I can and cannot give him.

At the end of the day there are copious quantities of guys out there but only a select few quality guys....

Wait for yours, give it to the dude upstairs, believe and trust.  Your other half is out there...

I like Jam on my toast

I’ve been meaning to write for over a week now but I am just not getting to it.  Yes I know the excuse we all use “I was so busy, I don’t have time”, well I didn’t.  I spent my time with my girls.  I had them for 2 solid weeks………….. by myself…………………..for two weeks……………. Do you know how long two weeks can be with a 6 year old, 4 year old and 10 month old……………………… LONG!!! But I enjoyed it and got to bond with my eldest, which was so super amazing.  She is like a little version of me, Chan 2.0, just way more maintenance, my mother’s wishes came true.  The many years I hear “one day you will have a daughter that is 10 times worse than you” and yup, not only did I get one, oh no, you must remember God has a sense of humor, buy two and get one free……….  Lucky me!!! I love my girls, little mini-me’s all around.  I can sometimes just sit and watch them, to think I was part of creating those little energy syphoning terrorists and yet they each have a piece of my heart with them at all times, nothing beat being a mom, whether it’s a biological mom, step mom, foster mom, adopted mom, granny, ouma, whatever, its special…..

Any case, I can carry on the whole night.  So after this weekend I came to the realization that I am actually quite awesome, a rare kind of catch, uniquely different, an acquired taste, a hint of sweet with the bitter taste, a smell of some memory one forgotten but twice found, a melody that rekindles a distant feeling locked away.  I am frankly a Bold statement of fabulous.

Believe me, the above took me 30 years to find.  I finally found myself, within myself.  I don’t have a big ego, far from it, I just realized who I finally am and what is awesome about me and the BEST part of it all???  I didn’t need someone else to feel complete, no validation needed, no permission asked, no compromise made, nothing.  It as in a brief moment of dancing and skipping around towards nowhere in the middle of the ballroom while my dress twirled in the air and I felt like a princess, in that moment I felt complete. 

I had the time of my life; I was dancing, mingling, chatting, twirling, skipping, grunge jumping, singing and finally passed out due to sheer exhaustion.  I haven’t felt that elated in years, not since before my children were born, not actually in forever.  The night was magical and it was magical while spending it mingling but not depending on anyone but myself.

At almost 30, I have accomplished quite a bit,  I was engaged 3 time, married once, divorced, homeless, broke, alone, have 3 children, regained myself, lost my best friend – my sister, became an only child, made peace with my enemies, embraced a blended family and learned to survive… And after all of that I still gave my heart to the Lord and kept my two promises – to stay single for a year ( 3 months to go) and to stay celibate until I get married.  Maybe the 2 biggest and most difficult promises to make but I am so proud of myself for keeping them.

So in saying all of the above, going off topic and then back again, I know the following:

You are out there,  I am patiently waiting for you to find me.  I am a survivor and a warrior.  I have been pushed down, stripped of my dignity and have become humble and grateful.  I am fun, smart, witty, be one of the boy but I can also clean up nicely.  I have 3 beautiful daughters, a blended family bigger than most families.  My children are loved and cared for.  I am happy and complete.  So one day when you do walk into my life unexpectedly, just keep in mind that my uniquely awesome life is one of a kind.

xoxo

Recheck yourself!!!

You know when you looking for signs and you just don't seem to find it, you make a mental note and you kind of carry on, then one day out of the blue BAM!!! It hits you square in the face.  The last couple of weeks I felt a bit distant from myself, felt like I was retreating back into a dark space, so today I wanted to have a movie day with the girls. We rented 2 kiddies movies and I picked "Mockingjay Part 2" and "How to be single".  Well did yesterday and today turn out with different endings for me.  

After watching miss Everdeen on her many trails to finally find the peace and revenge she wanted, she instead found love and peace.  What motivated me from the ending of that movies was how she kept on fighting, she never gave up because people were counting on her.  In the second movie I realized that although I have set my time limit on being single, I haven't quite stopped looking, I haven't taken the time to be me, find me, become me and enjoy me.  

So in all the greater scheme of things, I have decided and concluded that in order for me to move forward and find happiness,  I need to accomplish my goals I set out for myself. Rightfully said, today will be the day I sit down and focus on my goals, decide what I want and how I am going to get there.

And it was actually the first night in months that I actually finished watching MY movies and it's 01:23am and I feel great!!

May today be the start for many more things to come!!!

Love life, you only have one shot at it 

Xxx