Hunter, farmer, mother, protector, survivor. What a whirlwind the last couple of days have
been. The most intensely felt days in my
life. It all started with a week that
ended on such a bad note that I just could not imagine going back to work, so I
took 2 days off which was probably not the best idea ever but I needed the gap. I had an eventful weekend, spent it with my
new “old” friends and loved confusing the hell out of some people when they
just can’t wrap their head around the fact that I am absolutely in awe of my
ex-husbands fiancé. So to get back to
the story, the depressed feelings set in on Sunday during the church service,
the realization of many things dawned on me. My CC (church crush) has disappeared, maybe a
good thing as the distraction could not be so great at the moment, my job has
become this evil draining bottomless pit of destruction and then I had a
paternity test hanging over my head, yes its exactly what you read, paternity
test to determine what we all know but what this individual doesn’t want to
accept. The mere thought of 1mililiter
of blood being drawn out of a little
baby’s vein (whichever vein they can find) killed me inside. I felt like I was living in a nightmare but
that too was only the beginning.
I have started over twice in a space of not even a
year. Once again I am on the same path,
looking to people to help me again. I
have come to the realization that maybe I am supposed to lose everything and
completely hit rock bottom in order to grow again.
Monday came and went as quickly as you could even say Monday,
thought I’d sleep the day away but alas that was not the case. As the evening approached I became more and
more aware of what the next day was holding in store for me, for my child. The morning of 12 April 2016 started as any
other morning yet this day was going to be a hard day, physically and
emotionally. We made our way to the hospital, filled in the necessary forms and
waited for the individual to show up. My
child was in such a good mood, so happy, smiling and talking to everyone who
looked or smiled at her. They called us
in, “its time” I tried to keep myself from crying. They took our blood and now it was my baby’s
turn, I gave her over and walked out of the room. I stood against the wall and pushed my
fingers into my ears not to hear her cry but I was crying. The scream penetrated my skull like a hammer
hitting a nail into a wall, it wasn’t crying, it was screaming, a scream no
mother should listen to, they were hurting my child and I couldn’t do
anything. I cried hysterically, a lab
assistant took me into a room and my legs gave in, I felt numb, nothing. It was finally over, I walked in and took my
baby, held her and told her that I will never let her be hurt again or go
through what she went through now for another individual. I cradled her in my arms and walked out of
the room, mascara streaks down my face, pram in my one hand and baby in the
other, crying and I didn’t care who looked at me.
I reached the point of hurt, I don’t think, well I know I
cannot feel anything worse than what I felt.
I pray for some sort of miracle and keep hoping that something will
change, some sort of goodness will come from this.
So I hold my head high, I accept my faults and again I have
to find something new, a new beginning.
Am I a hunter, am I a farmer, yes I am a mother and so far I have
survived. What is in store for me next? They say its always darkest before the
dawn. May my dawn come with a new
adventure, a new blessing and a new day…
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