A relationship addict to be
correct. I have a terrible way of being
a codependent person who is deeply unhealthy emotionally and somehow I look for
another tortured soul to attach myself to and somehow fix their problem and
mine at the same time. I also have a horrible
way of pointing out another persons’ faults to hide my own. Ain’t I just the nicest person you know
(insert sarcastic voice).
I always seem to spot the guy
that will be out of my league and I avoid him completely because he will be the
one to break my heart and use my vulnerability as a weakness. But apparently that is my unhealthy emotions
pointing out a healthy person who I will not be able to break and
manipulate. I also start every
relationship thinking “this will be the one” which is an addictive persons
personality. So where did I suddenly get
this brain fart? “When you love too much – Stephen Arterburn”. It is almost as if the whole book was written
with me in mind. Somehow this whole
situation I have been in for over 7 months makes a whole lot of sense. There were days I couldn’t even come to terms
with how bad my life has turned out and what a big mess I was sitting in and
just because my addition wasn’t alcohol or drug based, I didn’t see it as a
problem. Thank the Lord for opening my
eyes, guiding me to the right place and people in order to start my healing.
I made a promise to myself to
stay single for a year yet I have tried every opportunity to avoid just that
not realizing that I need to actually take this time and put my armour on, pick
up my sword and walk out to battle the demons that have clinged to me my whole
life. I have a lot of issues but my main
one, I think, stems from my severely fragile relationship with both my
parents. I don’t blame them for my
decisions I however blame myself for not sorting out my issues before taking on
a relationship. I keep dragging the old
things into new relationships and wonder why they go 50 shades of grey and
never work out. I had been warned on multiple
occasions by a lot of people to first try and sort things out before taking on
more and messing it up for myself and I think by now you can gather I surely
did not follow any of their advice.
At least it happened while I’m
still young (30 is still young) and I must admit that I’ve been having these
little episodes of hyperventilation every so often when I think of turning 30,
it almost feels like I am running out of time or something, almost as if my
life is not really going to be that long and now is my prime time to meet
someone yet I think that’s more a push from the wrong side of my brain that
does not want to let go of the old habits.
See its much harder to actually make an effort to change, its much more
convenient to stay stagnant where you are but making the same mistakes over and
over again really becomes tiresome.
All in his time, I can say with a sincere heart that where I
am is where I am supposed to be. Yes it
took a lot of guts and sometimes I just go with something because having to sit
and decide about going into a certain direction might just scare me out of it
completely so I just go with it. I also
felt an increasing need to give my life over to God, he takes the reigns and we
run as leader and learner rather than me as the master and he as my slave.
I always feel I’d rather add to
my personality than stay in the same stagnant place I’ve always been, also the
biggest step a person can take it to admit you have a problem. So here goes…
Hi, my name is Chantelle and I am
addicted to codependency in a relationship.
From here I can only become
healthy and by sharing this I might motivate another person to get themselves
healthy and happy too. All to live a
healthy life with fulfilling relationships with all the important people in our
lives.
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