I am sad

Life has really been a little house of horrors for me, I have meant to be all coming up sunshine and roses yet I cannot physically get myself to write anything positive at the moment.  I think I am allowed a bad day / week/ month / year or forever now and then.

The bad news hit me from all sides yesterday, some of it started over the weekend.  I don’t blame anyone for anything that happened but myself, its as if I have to accept the inevitable truth.  The wors that keep resounding in my head “your will, your way, your mercy God”.  A friend of mine sent me an email yesterday and in it read “God gives his strongest soldiers his hardest battles”, well let me tell you this soldier is waving the white flag.  I am getting up and walking towards the gun to put my flower in the barrel loaded and aimed at me.  I am stripping off the bulletproof vest, placing my ammo on the floor and surrendering. I cant do it anymore, I am done fighting, done trying to make my own decisions and done trying to keep up with others.

Walking into the bathroom falling to my knees, vulnerable and scared, I poured all my hurt and pain into my prayer and all I could muster up was “please God, please help me”.  The tears didn’t seem to have an end, my heart didn’t seem to feel like it will be able to put the pieces together again and the second panic attack set in for the day.  I needed to get rid of these feelings, this soul clenching hurt, I felt as if I was being choked.  I had no choice but to agree, to give in and to let go.  Maybe every inch of my being has to be broken to a million little pieces and lay scattered on the floor in front of me so I can sit down, pick up the glue and slowly start building again.

Today I looked like I either had a helluva bender last night or a massive allergic reaction, the tears still moments away from filling my eyes and I keep swallowing back the chocked feeling in my throat.  My eldest daughter has a wonderful way of reminding me she doesn’t like me very much, I think she tells me she hates me more than she loves me and yet I still try and tell her as much as I can that I love her,  the middle child never wants me to go anywhere, she is my shadow and the baby is just a happy go lucky little person.  Its been a rather trying time and feel like such a failure as a mother.  My award will probably sent in the mail.  All I want is for them to see I am trying, trying to give them what I can, trying to understand their emotional outbursts, their needs and wants and most importantly I am trying to be the mom I always promised I will be only on a part time basis now.  Yes the other reality, the more people tell me “you will always be their mother, they know that, they love you” the more I want to take those individual and put them in my situation for a day, just feel and understand, its hard.

Probably not the best post or the most motivating, I just have too much sadness inside me at the moment.  I am mourning.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts for human beings to comprehend.  We always say “I will forgive but I will never forget” and yet the main reason someone asks for forgiveness is for that person to forget the hurt, the pain, the hate, the disappointment. 

I asked for forgiveness from my ex-husbands Fiancé and it was one of the most liberating moments in my life.  The mountain of hate and guilt I carried on my shoulders vanished, the feeling of complete release was magical.  The eye-opening fact was that as I asked her to forgive me, I felt her hurt and pain she has been carrying with her.  For the first time in my life I felt as if I was standing in her shoes and it sucked, she was genuinely hurt by my words and actions.

The relationship between myself and the fiancé has always been a love/hate situation.  Some days I love to hate her, hate to love her, love to love her and hate to hate her.  What I failed to acknowledge is that she didn’t ask to meet a man who had a life before she stepped into the picture, who had an ex-wife and two gorgeous little girls.  She probably viewed her future in a much more different light to the reality she received, nonetheless she accepted it and took it in her stride.  I for one am very grateful to have a stable, loving and caring stepmom in my girls lives.  She cares for them as if they were her own, she never complains or keeps track of what she does for them.

She was a threat to me, here this woman is trying to replace me, take my rightful place in my children’s lives but never once did I stop and think “maybe its not such a bad thing to have another person love my children as much as I love them”.  She can be my safety net, she catches the pieces when they fall, she is my backup when I cant make it, she’s the caregiver when I am not there when they are sick.  I would rather have her in our lives and my girls never feel neglected or alone.

I look at the whole situation in the following light; there are these 3 little girls, they have 8 sets of grandparents, they have numerous cousins, aunts and uncles, who wouldn’t want that much love for their children.  Each and everyone absolutely adores them and loves spending time with them, we have our own village that looks after these little girls and one day her little one will join the whole brood as well.  We are one of the most unconventional families and yet it works.  I am not going to listen to people telling me that its unhealthy to have a relationship with my ex-husband and his fiancé, no, there is really nothing wrong with that, its better to raise happy and content little people who will look up to the love they received and not the lack their of one day.

The feeling was overwhelming to ask her forgiveness and thankfully she was home alone that morning, as she opened the door and turned towards me, I walked in and gave her a hug and apologised profusely with the most sincerest heart.  She held me so tight and I her, I wanted to pull away and she was still holding on and when I looked at her I saw the tears in her eyes and I felt her heartache, I was gutted, she doesn’t deserve to feel like that and here I was walking around being a proud Christian and yet making her feel awful.  She forgave me, it was as if the darkness in my heart vanished.  The one day a step-parent feels completely unappreciated is on mothers day and fathers day, I wanted to change that and I did, I asked her to join me on mothers day to celebrate not only myself for giving birth to my girls but to her accepting them as her own.

Life is way too short to go through it making the same mistakes over and over again and listening to disgruntled divorced individuals, there is really nothing wrong with wanting to have an amicable and awesomely good relationship with your ex and his new future wife.  This is my “New Normal” and frankly speaking, I am very happy with my decision.

My person

Born into a very Afrikaans family, somewhere in the middle but not really, the glue that has keeps the family together.  Timeless and elegant, she makes you feel comfortable in any setting and leaves you wanting to get to know her more.  Her youth forever captured in her mature exterior, never one for it to let it get the better of her.  She is witty, funny and always sees the best in everyone but don’t get on her bad side, she will make you regret ever crossing her. 

I honestly believe that God blessed her more than she can actually comprehend.  True love walked into her life at the tender age of 18, love at first sign.  For me to hear about other people’s chance meetings and how they fell in love is the best stories to listen to. She used to be a window dresser, she was beyond beautiful.  Snow white beautiful, that’s the only way I can explain it, hair as black as coal, lips the colour of a pink rose kissed by the sun and beautiful soul enchanting eyes.  He was from a very upper class English van der Merwe family studying to become an engineer, finished his schooling at Grey College in Bloemfontein, a very shy and introverted individual.

As fate would have it on that special day, many, many moons ago, she was asked to work at the till and he needed to make a purchase (fortunately for him).  The instant sparked that formed when they looked at one another still resounds in her mind every time the memory is recalled and her eyes sparkle from the memory. He was blown away, he experienced a feeling he never thought a man could feel, it made him vulnerable and unsure but the rush was unlike anything he ever had.  The days that followed he would drive past the shop she worked at, almost hiding behind the door panel to just catch a glimpse of her dressing a mannequin, blushing every time she may or may not have noticed him.

Her world was stopped in its tracks, he was so different to her, she was from a big family, they all shared, they were a unit, they lived for each other (they still do).  Love was plenty, if you measured their wealth by the love they had for one another, they would be the richest family in the world, money was of no object and yet they were perfectly content.  She lived for the thrills, she wanted to experience life for what was forbidden and in a moment of meeting this straight laced stranger she was captivated, she was draw to his pure soul and his gentle-manliness.

They married soon after and had 4 gorgeous children, 3 boys and 1 girl.  The years were hard but they stuck together, always seeing the good in one another and setting an example of love and commitment for their children and grandchildren.  I remember to this day the love they had and oh the fights, they used to have the most comical fights, you would laugh the afternoon away at them.   To this day she still thinks of him and has never moved on or wanted to for that matter, I guess when you find a love like that, it really is once in a lifetime.

When a man worships the mother of his children and thanks her for the life she provided for his family (after God obviously), it is more than evident on what is left behind long after he is gone.  She has been forever blessed with 11 grandchildren (sadly my sister passed away but she is still counted) and 4 greatgrandchildren, she is provided for and never had to work a day in her life, even now.  He still provides for her after he joined the angels in heaven.

So you see the point to all of this is that I want to one day experience life to the fullest like she has.  I sit in awe some days as her little squad can almost break down the house and yet she will tell you in no uncertain terms “Leave them they are playing”.  All the little ones are automatically drawn to her, I don’t know how they are but they just are, its almost as if they know she is our special person.  She is my home, she is not just my ouma, she is one of my best friends.  The stories I tell her, the levels of shock factor that comes with it and still she loves me, accepts me and is always there for me. 

My life is complete with her in it, she is my happy place, she loves me with the good and the bad.  I will forever thank the good Lord for giving her to us.

Love you to the moon and back. 

Introducing the change and embracing it

Changing your name.  Does it carry any significance, no.  Does is make you happy, no.  Does the sound of it being called remind you of your adolescence……. Unfortunately YES!!!  So then why keep it? Everyone I’ve ever known had a shortened version or a nickname, for me that was never really a reality, I’ve always just been Chantelle.  To me “Chantelle” reminds me of an unstable, insecure, narcissistic person.  I am not her anymore, I am free, I have changed, I have a new life.  With all of that new, I feel I need a new name, same same but different.  My mother never really chose my name nor does it belong to any older relative I am supposed to be honoring by keeping the tag.  So its time for a total transformation and on a Tuesday, now how’s that for wanting more confirmation that its to be done??

I have played around with a few ideas and I have decided to drop some letters and simply be referred to as “Chan”, not “Chants” simply just “Chan”.  I am also not going to carry my maiden name ever again as that plays to the same reason being called on my full name.  I know it’s a bit drastic but I need that proper change in order to feel complete. I don’t want reminders from my past, I want to be happy with my present me, the me who is on this amazing journey of self-discovery and change.  Unfortunately Facebook doesn’t support my instant gratification of change and will only allow me to embrace my new identity in 60 days’ time, lame Facebook, very lame. Though there is no stopping me from actively taking part in my new “name”, it’s all shiny and new, you can smell the new “name” smell.

For me lately, the most deliberating thing has been the inspiration I have given others to change, not just change for the better but to follow God as well.  I have had days when I re-read my blog and thought to myself that I shouldn’t have shared so much of myself but then again I have days where people actually said that sharing my biggest embarrassments have given them the motivation to change and work on their lives.  I still to this day struggle to accept a compliment and don’t really know what to say however my mother always told me to thank the person who is complementing you and take a few seconds for it to sink in as that is exactly how the individual is feeling in that moment.  Still its hard.  There are instances when I wish more people would read my blog, I pour so much of myself into it and always hope people will realise they have influence when they share it and someone out there may benefit and then again I always open myself up to criticism. For example when you look at the abuse some celebrities are throw with from complete strangers, it makes you want to just not be on social media.  How can you tell someone to go and kill themselves, really, there are special people out there.

On a positive note I have been looking at things more from an outsiders perspective and appreciate the people around me more than I used too.  To become less egotistical, one must really die to oneself and literally let go of what was comfortable and familiar.  To me not hearing my full name will feel uncomfortable and awkward but to know the reason behind the shortened version and how hard I’ve worked to be this different person makes it worth it.  I have worked harder, dedicated more, sacrificed and grown more in the last 7 months of my life than I have ever imagined to do.  You are never too old for change or too young to learn.  Yes I started my blog with a bang and committed myself to writing about something every day  and yet the more work I put in, the more I have to minimize my time online and be more present in the now.  I have gone a total of 8 days without any connection to my mobile, nothing, it was either completely drained of battery life or I couldn’t remember where I put it.  The experience was amazing, I didn’t disconnect from a conversation, I didn’t browse social media and I was able to give undivided attention to the people who mattered around me.  We miss out on so much of life because we constantly want to feel content with the validation from other that what we are doing is right or socially acceptable yet those people are not there when you need to make major life decisions.  I was also able to notice a situation that was somewhat out of my control yet I had the ability to stop it before it caused more damage than it could have, I trusted my gut feeling and acted immediately.  Reliving the scenario is not great but knowing that God made me more aware and for me to put my one unhealthy addiction (my cellphone) down actually made me super proud of myself.

So here’s to my new journey as just Chan Thrupp, completely ordinary to some but extremely extraordinary to others!!

Patience is not my virtue

I've never really been big on patience, in fact I hate it.  If I am made aware of something then I want to know now, like honestly NOW!!!! Instant gratification, the bane of my existence. Cant we just go back to waiting for a smoke signal in the distance and just be happy with that, somehow I just realized that that could be a problem as well because I might just start seeing imaginary things.  I want to be able to wait and not rush into things, I want to be content with just enough info.  The elders say that once you have children then you will learn patience, children teach you patience.  Yes agreed, when you have to eventually after begging a toddler to get dress and asked if you could help and you get a stern “I do it myself mommy” then you calmly count to a 100 and sit down and wait, you have now been told by the highest of authorities because goodness forbid you helped that little terrorist and all hell breaks loose.

So yes and no, children teach you how to have patience (just enough not to go crazy) with them but life still say NO, I don’t have patience with life.  Maybe it’s a control thing, I want to have too much control.  People always complain about my driving but once I am in others cars (especially with my mom) I want to soil my shorts, I can’t believe I drover with her when I was younger and survived!! I love you mom J.  Anyways she is a good driver, maybe I am just overreacting due to not having the brake pedals on my side of the car…… Love you still mommy….  Ok before I get disowned, I have thought of ways to maybe let it go.

You see, there is a saying, Let go and let God.  Whatever is meant to happen will happen, your path has been pre-planned and your destiny is set so no use in rushing something.  Be positive and believe in your heart that what you are meant to receive, you will receive.  Life has a way of getting you excited for nothing sometimes but isn’t it sometimes the thrill we live for, that one moment gives us a glimmer of hope where there once were nothing.  It’s the small things.  To be brutally honest my life has been turned 180 degree in the right direction since giving my life over to God yet the other 180 degrees of change that need to happen is by putting my complete faith in him and trusting that behind the scenes he is doing his work and putting things together for me that will benefit my life as he sees it fit.

As we approach the Easter weekend and reflecting on what was sacrificed for us in order to be forgiven, I think its just fitting to trust and believe that he will sort out whats next, he has put the desires in my heart, he has put me in a situation which I never really even imagined I’d be in or want to be in at the moment but I am embracing it and I am learning the value of it.  I have gone from having everything, reflecting sometimes on how much I used to spend and how much extra money I always had and how I took all of that for granted to loosing almost everything I have ever held dear to me, trying to free wheel down the highway to save my petrol.  But in all of this mess I have put myself in, I have found myself, slowly but surely rebuilding my character I lost over the years and becoming the strong person I am supposed to be.

Here’s to a wonderful long weekend *cheers* 

God's funny sense of Humor

Sometimes my short temper can get the better of me, its almost as short as the week old hair on my legs I haven’t needed to shave for anyone!! Think I’m becoming a feminist, might just burn my bra while I am at it but then again these suckers need some support after providing nourishment to 3 very happy little girls.  Anyways, my daughter has been diagnosed, by me, with JLHM disorder. Let me break it down for you “Just like her mother” disorder.  It is all slowly starting to make sense now.  Her and I have somewhat of a weird relationship, we never really bonded, I think I may have suffered with Postnatal Depression and in turn couldn’t form that bond with her but luckily she was able to form that bod with her father who is her Hero.  I may not like my ex-husband very much and it very regularly the scale tips between the two extremes but he is a phenomenal dad, the best dad I could have asked for, he is just amazing and that’s where that stays with me, he is a good dad better than most.

So now I have to find a way to better my relationship with my eldest daughter who has a similar personality to her mother.  In times like these I always feel God has a really funny sense of humor.  He made me, I am THEE most difficult person I know, I am 30 and still learning about myself, now there is this half sized mini me walking around who sometimes has the same horrible attitude I used to have and wants everything her way.  Great, just great, thank you for the my dear Heavenly father and just for the record I am saying it with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.   There is this little girl that will slowly start opening avenues for both of us to discover about ourselves, I have the opportunity to heal my past hurts from my parents’ divorce by giving her the right tools to deal with her parents divorce and working as a team with her father and his fiancé, we can build a strong little person who can take on life no matter what obstacles lie ahead of her.  She is my blessing in more ways than I ever thought.  Then there is the resemblance to my sister, forever in heaven but we have our earthly reminder with us.  Her blonde hair, her blue eyes, her laugh, she make everything feel better.

There will come that time when I will share the truth of the decision I made to separate and then finally divorce her father, for having an affair (even though it was when I was separated already from her father) and falling pregnant out of wedlock with my youngest to someone I didn’t know much about.  With all my bad decisions I can sit her down one day and tell her the truth, explain how my decisions hurt more people than I ever thought possible and how from my bad decisions she can make the right ones.  I never wanted to tell people the truth about my life or even tell my children but I think sometimes the truth not only sets us free but when we let others know it makes people come out from their hiding places and they themselves can deal with whatever they have gone through.

I believe in using our past mishaps and wrong decisions not only as guidance on making the right decision but also as a reminder not to go down the same path again and to know when to see the red flags.  I must admit I was so ashamed to admit what wrongs I have committed but I realized that only the Lord can judge us and now with Easter approaching I once again am reminded that Christ Jesus died for our sins, he sacrificed everything for me to be free from the sin that holds me down so why must I worry about it any further if he has forgiven me.  I have asked all and sundry for forgiveness, some have forgiven me other have chosen to ignore me and carry on with their live, its each to their own.

So in closing with my rant for today, be who you are, embrace what you did wrong, help you children where you can and be a freaken good adult  while you are trying to figure out this adult life of ours.

Knowing your way

Direction, the mere thought of it makes me hyperventilate and get sweaty palms.  My sense of direction sucks and if I get put on the spot I forget my left and my right. Its rather amusing and terrifying at the same time. Lately I have had a lot of first world problems, data finished, airtime ran out, internet connection has been capped at work, the joys!! So my posts are few and far between now but hey I managed to find a gap to write something at least.  I have been rather hectic, my life has just been a series of fortunate events.  I had all my girls with me this weekend and they have a way of syphoning the last bit of life out of you, not in a bad way but geez they keep me on my toes.  I went to go sit down with the youngest while feeding her and closed my eyes for 5 minutes, well an hour later my mom managed to sneak in and take a photo and make sure we were still alive.  And to be brutally honest, I wouldn’t want it any other way, they keep me young.  The most fun is chasing after them when they want you to catch them, their laughter is addictive, it’s the best for a lonely heart.

I think all of us plan our paths ahead of life and then God throws a curve ball into the mix and you kind of have to go through that detour and finally end up where you are supposed to be, well that is exactly what happened to me.  I thought I knew my way, the “knowing your way” type of gal, did I get a surprise.  I realized that there are more things that need to be sorted out in my life than just the minimal effort I have put in.  I understand now why I have gone through the things I have gone in my life.  My marriage was an unhealthy relationship formed on codependency for my own insecurities, I have a lot of insecurities I need to work through on my detached relationship with my father and also I need to focus on my coping styles.  I somehow do not see my bad behavior as doing something wrong, I always try and validate them but to be honest, I need to put an end to my social smoking, social drinking, overeating food fetish and sort out my headaches.  Yes I have nerve damage from my bout of meningitis that had me in hospital for a month but I can rise above that.  All of this made me realise that a sick person cannot have a healthy relationship, that is a recipe for disaster because the sickness will eventually consume the other persons health.  So now more than ever I admitted to myself that I have to stay sober and by sober I mean “single” and I have been sober for 7 months now, 7 months after a 8 year relationship/marriage and a short lived 7 month relationship.  I really don’t think being single is the worst thing in the whole world, being lonely is but that’s a choice you make.  You either surround yourself with the people you love and want to spend time with or you become a recluse and live a lonely life which to me is rather depressing.  I suffer from depression so imagine having to sit by myself as a recluse.  That would be a really interesting party.

My time will come, I will eventually find my happiness but in the meantime I am using all my extra time to my advantage.  I am building an amazing relationship with my aunt and uncles, I have the most awesome relationship with my gran even through she is 44 years older than me, we just click on such an amazing level.  I have established and placed a stronger foundation for a relationship with my mother and my stepdad (once again confirming that genetics have nothing to do with unconditional love) and forming stronger more stable bonds with the right people to work on lasting friendships.  I also am realizing when to be sensitive and when I a must just take things for face value.  So the way I am going might not have been the way I have planned on going but its getting me where I need to be, a better me.

Chantelle 2.0 in the making!!