A Temporary Hiatus

I haven’t written on my blog for a while.  It has been by choice.  I have had a lot of changes that manifested in my life which I wanted to give the time to settle in properly.

I have started a new job, one that I prayed for for quite some time and the one that presented itself to me was far from what I thought it would be, it has taken me out of my comfort zone and yet its has acted as a platform on which I am growing as an individual, my self-confidence has reached a new level and I am able to build relationships where I never thought possible.  The other aspect of it all is that I have a new Family, my work family.  We each have a link in some or other way to one another and the best part of it all, we all have small children so its easier for us to relate to each other.  The environment is a stable and welcoming one, the people (most of them) are friendly and helpful.  To say I am happy is an understatement.  God provided this opportunity for me, now I need to make the best of it.

My personal life has been somewhat of a different challenge.  There have been days where I have felt insatiable happiness and other days where I wished my life could just be normal, go home, go to work, go home, you know the normal routine. I must admit that I do enjoy every so often receiving feedback from total strangers and friend on how my blog has helped them overcome an obstacle in their lives and how they were able to see a situation in a different light.  The part that I do not enjoy and I also cannot really complain about this because I chose to leave the door open, is the fact that people are keeping tabs, taking my words out of context and using it as a tool to harm and hurt other individuals.  It is rather sad that we have such horrible, vindictive, sly and just plain disgusting human beings out there.  In saying all of that, I choose not to let them get me down, all I can do is pray for them and hope that one day they might find inner happiness with themselves and their lives.

The last few weeks I have also made some decisions, ones that are not only for my own sanity but probably because you can only do so much.  I, as mentioned above, can only pray for the situation to change as I do not have the capacity or capability to do it or carry it on my shoulders anymore.  I have decided to step away from a situation, distance myself for the betterment of the other people involved, I have embraced the fact that I am happy for my children to call my ex-husbands future wife “mommy – mama – mom” whatever they decide, I told them I’m cool with it.  I wrote a letter and spoke from the heart to my father and can only hope that one day things will be able to resolve itself until then I can just pray.  The burden of keeping everyone happy and to be careful not to step on any toes has completely been thrown out the door with the trash, it not been an easy decision and far from a selfish one, its just a matter of not wanting to be in the middle anymore.

Financially I am still trying to figure out how to sustain myself and how to best go about making the most of my income and utilizing it in a way that I don’t burn myself.  The emotional roller-coaster has taken me on an insightful trip, I am dealing with CCMA case (my first and frankly I am pooping my pants with this one) where I literally feel I am being discriminated against but I cannot really have any expectation here, people are going to do things for the betterment of themselves and not take into consideration that at the end of the road they are doing more harm than good.  I’ve had an ongoing sga with my last born and trying my best to make the right decisions so that she may one day not have to “recover” from her childhood due to being exposed to the wills of others.  Its been hard, its been draining and its been a massive distraction from my work.  I made over and above my target last month and yet this month I have not had any clients trading.  I know my focus has been elsewhere and every day I walk in and say today I will make a difference and before my sentence is completed, I am hit by a curve-ball.

So in rambling on about the above, I have decided to change a few things, starting with:

1.       Nightly Bible study (mornings are way too hectic for me)

2.       Create a vision board and work towards it

3.       Start everyday new

4.       Focus on work and have an hour a day for personal stuff and then leave the rest

5.       Make time for everything

6.       Pay off my small debts owing to people

7.       Stop being lazy

8.       Stop finding and excuse

9.       Start believing that God gave you this opportunity, he will provide

10.   Start keeping in touch with family and friends on a regular basis

Oh and before I forget, this is a BIGGY!!!

I am finally content, I have lost the desire to have someone in my life, I am completely happy being single.  There has never been a time in my life that I can honestly say that I have been happy to be single.  Those were lies and I should have been punished for even saying or believing that.  Sitting on my cough with my very affectionate kitten, sore throat, feeling a little bit sorry for myself, watching my baby over the monitor while she sleeps and thinking of all the work I need to do before I go to bed…. I can confirm that there has not been a day in 4 years that I have been this content.  Regardless of how this month will turn out, the good news I will receive and the learning experiences that will be thrown on my path, I can safely say, Bring it on!!!

Just like the songs “Because I’m happy”

xxxx