Winter has ended

241 days of Autumn, 192 days of Winter and 22 days of Spring….

Autumn, a season of leaves changing from green to cooper, it’s as if a breath of slow death was blown over the once alive and green lawns and trees.  The season my life was in, life was slowly hanging on by its last treads.  Nothing made sense, hurt was the feeling I was walking around with and here I had to put my pride in my pocket, walk to work on many occasions and also ask for a food parcel from church. 

There was a moment where autumn felt a little bit more familiar, like home and I opened my mind up to new possibilities, I took on a new work position, I moved into a bigger place and I felt a little bit better.  From the all the new beginnings, things started looking up however one always need to remember that after autumn comes winter.

Like a thief in the night, all life, even that of which was still hanging on for dear life was killed.  Everything once copper or brown, now the darkest of black.  Winter settled in and with it came the likes of being split up from what we were used to,  that oh so familiar feeling in my back came back like a sharp reminder of thing gone before and me not learning my lesson, fighting for the little ray of light keeping my two feet firmly placed on the ground, the fact that this season did not hold any truth for love on the horizon and with Winter, we had to say goodbye.  Goodbye to two very important individuals we never for one moment thought of losing so soon.  We had our lives shorten just a little when one of our children went to hospital, while dreading the immune virus that spread in her little body. 

The moment of the winter coming to an end was when a new friendship turned to dust sooner than it was formed, when reality set in and for the first time it really made sense to me that you are the only one that looks out for you and even after that, my body decided it had enough, I myself was forced to rest with a kidney virus, one I didn’t even know I had. 

Spring, from tomorrow it will be Spring, I have decided.  I will look for all the new blossoms of life opening up and giving God my hand I held to myself for a few weeks and I am just going to walk with him again, as I should have from the beginning.  The next 22 days of Spring will hold something of a new beginning, one I will look for or work for ever day until its Summer. 

365 Days of Summer for 2017

My goal for Summer will be to dedicate my time to getting to know God, the only man that should be of importance in my life, with that also to finally set out to reduce, overcome and finalize my debt.  I will dedicate my time to get to know my children individually, focus on that undivided attention.  I will not stand or let anyone stand in my way to my goal of becoming one of the most successful BDM’s in my company.  I will teach myself self-discipline, read at least 10 new books and focus on becoming the best person I can be, saying yes more and never to let a lie flow over my lips again regardless of the outcome.

I hope my journey has helped some of you, may it also show you that you can make it through anything and always to trust your gut.

One year of dedication to my unapologetically me, to my 365 days o Summer….

….. to be continued 

Is it really DRAMA

How much can a person possibly handle in their lives.  I have heard everything from "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" to "God only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers" or my best "Tomorrow is another day", well you know what - I have probably done it all, seen it all and been there got the t-shirt and returned it.  Live is hard, people should stop sugar coating it.  I have had one of the most difficult years of mu life, I have had 2 loved ones die in a space of not even two months and you know whats the worst, people are not supportive or even give a damn, for them its easy to say "Sorry Chan - oh by the way can you do this or that".  What has life come to?  Are we programmed to be these compassionate-less robots.

I am not coping, I am struggling in all areas of my life and you know what, its damn hard and difficult.  So when you have a bad day, come talk to me, your life will just seem that much better in the end.  

Here's to praying for a light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully its not an oncoming train.

xoxoxo

Take my word for it

Expectation is the root of all evil - William Shakespeare.  I don't think he would've said it unless he experienced it.  In some form or another we are let down by someone at least once a day, never do we plan for it to happen, yet it happens.  I once forgave a person very close to me without having any expectations because I knew he wouldn't be what I expected of him, I made my peace.

What irritates me is the fact that we set ourselves up for failure most of the time.  For this to make sense I need you to forget about the law of attraction or what will be will be and just hear me out.  More often than not we are presented with the true, it's there staring at you, if it was a snake it would actually bite you, problem is we let it bite us and pretend that the venom doesn't eat away all the good and turn what was once all together into rotten nothingness.

When a person says to you they might come across as something but rest assured they definitely not like that, 99 times out of a 100, they are exactly that.  So if you ever hear - I'm not a prick, or shallow, or violent (yeah run when you hear that one), or a ladies man, or (my best so far) I don't just message random people on Facebook messenger (how stupid can a person be, it's shows when last you were active dumbass), the list goes on and on.  The cherry normally on the cake is the fact that these individuals feel "entitled" because they have people feeding their egos or need a rebound from a previous relationship.

So many of us have actually been in this position, we overlook all the clues and then sit for weeks picking up our broken pieces and start sticking them together.  I don't know why it's so hard to be honest, I know who I am and I will never intentionally treat someone badly because it always comes back to me, although most of these people get away with murder.

My best guy friend is the most sincere person I know, he is upfront and won't create any expectations for anyone to get hurt because it's a simple fact, he knows what he wants.  Well you know what, I'm done, it's not the end of the line it's the beginning of a new chapter.

I am not going to ever settle for anything less than the best.  When I give my valuable time up that I could have spent with my child, it better be worth it.  I am worth the chase and you know what, I don't deserve anything less.  So just to make you aware, if a guy tells you he is "not" a prick, 100% guaranteed, he is the biggest self absorbed, chauvinistic, self entitled man you will meet, and if he says he's not, make sure he can prove it.

Thanks for this lesson once again, just goes to show that one must always trust your gut feeling.

XOXO

When you find me

It's a low whistle, for some it's a murmur, others feel it in the deep density of their bones.  Where it comes from will always remain a mystery. You use it as you would use your hand to pick up a pen, never doubting it, you follow what it tells you.

It's intriguing, this wild free spirited being. The scars from wounds once unbearable, all healed to a perfect mark of a warrior. Eyes that are blessed by the color of Mother Earth, they see the life in things long forgotten and enables the need to be reborn.  The touch of skin engulfs the surrounding mystery of unknown waters lying dormant as the dead sea.  Fire flows deep in a beating heart, struck to life by the hands of God, woven into a being by the spirit itself.

The sheer gravitational pull of inviting lips as scarlet as the blood that flows through these veins, trapped in a moment of sweet surrender leaving only the heat of molten lava to pass over your weary skin, attracted to the raw primal senses awakening deep within, this unfamiliar feeling becomes an obsession.

Resistance gives you control for a moment but the heart of a stallion beats beneath a rib cage to keep it from running wild.  To have yet never to hold, the heart wants what it wants...

Always to be seen yet fighting for a love that promises forever.  Wanting to be needed but always avoiding to be wanted. Standing still just as a statue that was planted, waiting for the day to break free from the grips of reality.

Oh to be lost in oneself only to found in  the truest most beautiful moment when a soul makes you whole.

Will today be the day or am I up against the odds again

“One sheep, two sheep, did I put the stove off, when last did I check if the door was locked, tomorrow I am not consuming sugar or wheat or diary……. Uhm….. one sheep, two sheep, I need sleeping tablets” , that’s basically trying to whooosaaa and fall asleep and if you look at my Facebook and Instagram activity during 12am and 2am, you’ll see I am either sharing stuff or working.

They say that 3am is for the thinkers, the poets, the dreamers and the writers, guess my body or mind kind of missed that memo.  And trust me, I do not for one second feel tired during the day.  I think I can safely classify myself as a functional insomniac.  Maybe I think too much; I do its definitely not a “maybe”.  Most thoughts at night are about what I would like to achieve the next day, how not to bloody well procrastinate and wake up hoping to the day that will finally be “the day”.

All of us are dreamers, I put my dreams into prayers to God, some Meditate and some believe in a higher power.  Some say they are goals and Einstein informed our generation that we must not tie a goal to a person or an object, rather place your goal on a dream or achievement you want to reach however every night I go to bed and pray the same old prayer in hopes that the next day would be a different day.  Don’t get me wrong, I make sure I write down what I am grateful for every day, at least 3 things and I am blessed with a lot that God has placed in my life.  Once a very rich, old, unhappy and miserable man or should I say icon said, “While being interviewed many years ago, J. Paul Getty was asked, how much money do you want? Getty replied, "just a little bit more".   

We get what we want in the season we are supposed to have it but we always want just a little bit more. 

I am really happy where my life is heading,  I took on a challenge I thought I’d never get through.  If we spoke a year ago you would never believe I am the person I am today, I lost everything and felt the loneliest I ever felt, yet I focused on what I needed to do to prove to myself that I can be a nice person.  The only thing I just cant wrap my head around is the fact that I have been asking, praying for love – my happily ever after since I can remember and yet it feels like the biggest challenge in my life.

And then again I listen to other couples and their issues while eating my cornflakes for dinner, because you know, I can do what I want, watch what I want and wear what I want.  That to me is the only part of being single that is so appealing.  I can decide on the spur of the moment to do something different, go out (if my babysitter is available) (don’t judge) (you are judging, stop it!!) when I want and don’t have to do anything to please anyone else. 

Yes I know, you guys will be going blue in the face soon, I know the right man will eventually come into my life by mean of me stalking him or randomly selecting him off of social media (joking!!!).  I will probably bump his car accidentally or flip him the bird in traffic or something totally random, yet and if I may, please God, Jesus, Holy Spirit (not being facetious now), Budha, mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa’s spirit, The Lion King, someone with power please make this happen soonish, at the right time yet kind of a little bit before its supposed to be due.

Believe me at this point I am living each and every day like my last haha.

Like I always say “may the odds ever be in MY favor”

Renew yourself - Today is a new day

I wanted to write about yesterday but then I realized or I had more of a brain fart from about 4 months ago.  I believed I was a non-influential christian, I thought I had it covered, I believed that I have been living a clean and pure life just because of the promises I made to the Lord............... And theeeeeeen it hit me, like an unexpected fart in a hallway.  Not only have I turned my back on the Lord, I have actually been a very very very bad and unchristian like christian.  How did it happen?  I will tell you exactly how it happened, I will list them all:

I let people influence me

I wanted to fit in with the crowd

I thought it would only be a one time thing

In order to be part of a conversation I had to start swearing like a sailor again

I did stuff even when my gut told me not too

I hurt and neglected my friends at church 

And lastly

I stopped going to church all together

This morning I decided to read an online article about faith.  You see yesterday was terrible.  My focus should have been on how to ultimately end this month off on a high like I had last month and as much as I am holding thumbs for a miracle today, I know my focus was elsewhere.  There is this thing called "life" that happened, it happened in a variety of ways and I let myself be influence.   Where my focus was supposed to be on how to live a Godly life, I was focused on what people were doing, what people were saying, what I was missing out on and mostly questioning my worth when I should've been focusing on God.

The biggest hypocrites make the most noise.  I have been one.  Just because I became one doesnt mean I have to stay there, NO and I decided that today my success depends on God and myself.  In order to want the love and happiness paired with success and financial freedom, I need to turn my focus and first seek God above all else and then move towards becoming a better me.

Today is a new day, I took some inserts from an article as I feel almost like I've been spoken to by him through his word:

"If we’re going to live in love, we have to learn to forgive one another. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, but instead, forgive. And above all things, put on love.”1 That means: Above having your own way, above your own agenda, choose to put on love."

"The apostle Paul prayed in Ephesians 3:17 that we would be “rooted and established in love so that we would have power together with all the saints.” When we choose to walk in love, we have the power of God in our lives, as well as healthier relationships."

A divided house will always fall.  Just because I dont like how people act should it frustrate me or influence how I feel,  I should rather focus my energy on me and choose not to see what others are doing.  Yesterday a doctor told me that if I dont like something in others people, its normally because it is something in me that I also struggle to accept.

I am so infatuated with others and what they are doing wrong that I completely missed the point, I need to fix my broken parts, accept myself, find my worth through God and above all else, lead by example.

He knows my hearts desires, he has taken me out of a very dark place and made me clean and new, now I need to go and clean up where the dirt has settled and start hanging out the clean laundry.

If you are reading this and I have hurt you in any way, I ask your forgiveness and promise to work on being a better friend, family member and christian regardless.

xoxo

Value adds

Yesterday was heavy on my heart, things didn’t go as I planned, it wasn’t working in my favor.  I feel like the black sheep of the family.  In the last 10 days I have experienced quite a fair amount of different emotions.  These emotions have contributed towards growth, understanding and above all else to trust your gut and be humble.

For the first time in my life I experienced what it felt like to lose something I put my blood,sweat and at the end my tears in when it came to my professional life,  it was an unpleasant and very hard pill to swallow but nonetheless, the lesson was learned and I gained knowledge from it.  I also opened myself up to a possible personal experience, one that was my first in a year and felt heart first into the situation when I should have been a bit more cautious.  I put my chips on the table and believed (stupidly) that it was right, even to go as far as to say “meant to be”.  So fast forward to today and I am back at square one, semi or partially hurt heart but wiser mindset.

I am however left in awe of a feeling I can’t quite place yet.  A friend suggested a person and did the initial ground work, which was in her defense rather sweet,  though the situation has left me contemplating the male species and if nature plays more of a part in this process of finding a mate.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the response – “ he is not interested in a woman with kids and that has been married before, sorry friend”.   Wow, that’s all my mind could process.  I left it and for some reason its been weighing on my mind.  I am by no means questioning my worth but I am going to put this out there, its debatable but its how I feel:

When I got married the first time (I say it like that because there will be a second time which I trust in God will be my last) to my ex-husband, it felt right, it may have been more of a Mr. Right now for that specific stage in my life but I believed that.  I have had the privilege to create human life, carry another beating heart and a little soul in my body, protected and nurtured inside my womb and successfully gave birth to three precious little girls.  I praise God everyday for them and that he did not let me suffer a loss in a way that a lot of other women are challenged with.  I feel that God healed and glued my broken pieces together the day I became a mother and I will always be grateful for that.  In the end and I say end because we separated and divorced, my Mr. Right was there for that time in my life.  The fortunate and most blessed part of it all is the fact that we are one big blended family now, we were mature enough to realise we are raising the future and to know that in the end the little people matter and should be allowed to enjoy their childhood and not recover from it.

So in saying all of the above I guess there are two ways of looking at it, I can either judge the poor bloke for making his decision based on the information he has about me and respect (which I am doing) his point of view or I can look at as choice of understanding, I have been through life, and I am realistic about my expectation, I know what I want and what I wont settle for.  I am a strong, unbreakable woman of substance, I earn my own income and sustain myself (sometimes by means of family) and am happy.  I do not require to be “saved” or feel someone needs to “complete” me, so it would have to take a very strong individual to accept but mostly appreciate what I have accomplished and been through.

Coming back to the nature part, the female species (in the animal kingdom as well as the human) are more inclined to accept offspring that they did not physically gave birth to and I always believe in these two statements:

“Mothers are born either by nature or nurture and not defined by the way a child entered the world”

“A mothers heart is like a taxi, there is always room for one more”

Male species on the other hand are wired completely different, it’s a catch 22 situation, some fathers are born the day their children are born and some are raised by the best of the best fathers and accept others offspring as their own.  In the end its about the value they bring to that child’s life or they see the need to step up to the plate where the other male counterpart neglected his duties as a father.

My ex-husband has the most amazing fiancé who not only accepted his situation but become a second mother to my children, not step no, other mother.  She became a mother by nurture.  My non-biological dad loved my mother so much he did what no sane man would ever do, accepted her 16 year old (hormonal | going through puberty | destructive and rebellious) daughter and has been there for me the last 14 years of my life.  He has no biological children of his own yet he refers to me as his child and absolutely adores my children and they are besotted with their Oupa.

Ok so there, got it off my chest.  I believe I am one hell of a catch for the right man and I don’t have baggage, I have value adds :-)

xoxo